To each his own blog.

the gift every man wants

2006-12-01T07:47:00.000-08:00

Consumer Reports names 10 Best and Worst vehicles for resale values

2006-12-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

Below are the 10 models that are rated best and worst by Consumer Reports in depreciation. They are calculated based on the difference between the MSRP of a 2004 model when new and its current retail value. The average depreciation for all models is about 45 percent over the first three years. All of the top 10, however, are much better than average, while all of the bottom 10 are much worse than average. Prices are Manufacturer Suggested Retail Prices, rounded to the nearest $500.

Top 10

1. Toyota Prius Ongoing demand for this thrifty gas/electric hybrid and excellent reliability give the Prius the best depreciation rating among all currently sold models. In addition, many owners are hanging onto them, so good luck trying to find a used Prius. $22,000.

2. Mini Cooper This trendy, fun-to-drive retro-hatch/convertible has generated a cult following reminiscent of Volkswagen's Beetle. While the reliability of early models was below average, it has improved to average in recent years, according to CR's Annual Car Reliability Survey. $17,500 to $25,500.

3. Scion xB This boxy wagon has love-it-or-hate-it styling, but it provides a spacious interior, stingy fuel consumption, good reliability, and a low price. Scion is Toyota's youth-oriented brand. $14,000 to $15,000.

4. BMW M3 The limited-edition, tuner-developed M3 is the perennially popular high-performance model in BMW's 3-Series line. A fanatical following and legendary performance mean that used M3s command premium prices. About $49,000 to $56,500.

5. Lexus RX Among the top SUVs in Consumer Reports Ratings, the RX is plush, quiet, and comfortable while providing better-than-average reliability and good crash-test results. The RX400h hybrid is among the most fuel-efficient SUVs we've tested. $36,000 to $46,000.

6. BMW 6-Series Available as a coupe or convertible, the 6-Series is based on the 5-Series platform. But its more limited production helps keep its resale value high. $72,000 to $79,000.

7. Lexus GX A different SUV from the Lexus RX, the GX is a traditional truck-based, off-road-ready vehicle. It has above-average reliability, a well-appointed interior, and good frontal offset crash-test results. But resale values might not continue to hold up as well for the GX as demand softens for body-on-frame, V8-powered SUVs. $46,500.

8. Acura TSX Providing a nice balance of sportiness and comfort, the well-rounded TSX provides above-average reliability, good crash-test results, and a long list of standard safety equipment. $28,000 to $30,000.

9. Scion xA The small xA hatchback looks much different from the larger xB but shares its low price, good reliability, and excellent 30-mpg fuel economy. $13,000 to $13,500.

10. Honda Civic & Civic Hybrid A longtime Consumer Reports recommended model, the Civic offers outstanding reliability, good fuel economy, and good crash-test results. While the Hybrid version returned an excellent 36 mpg overall in our tests, even regular Civics do well in our fuel-economy tests, with 29 mpg for the automatic. $14,500 to $24,500.

Hmm.. how many of those are American cars?

Bottom 10

1. Ford Freestar The unrefined Freestar is among the lowest rated minivans tested by Consumer Reports and has had below-average reliability of late. Resale values of the Freestar are likely to speed up their slide following Ford's recent announcement to discontinue production. $19,500 to $29,500.

2. Ford Crown Victoria This large sedan is an example of how fleet sales can lower resale values. As a perennial favorite of rental companies, police departments, and cabbies, the Crown Victoria can't hold its value in spite of good crash-test results and decent reliability. $24,500 to $27,500.

3. Buick Rainier With just 690 units sold in August '06 compared with 12,901 of its Chevrolet TrailBlazer sibling, the Rainier SUV gets the double whammy of costing more money and depreciating faster. $31,500 to $33,500.

4. Lincoln Town Car A recent Consumer Reports study found the venerable Town Car (last redesigned for 1998) to have the most generous incentives of any vehicle on the market. An old design with heavy discounts is not a good combination for resale. $42,000 to $50,500.

5. Dodge Caravan / Grand Caravan These minivans are rated midpack in Consumer Reports testing, below newer and better models. The heavily discounted, aging Caravan remains a strong seller in the category, probably contributing to an oversupply. $18,500 to $27,500.

6. Mercury Grand Marquis The Grand Marquis is a twin of the Ford Crown Victoria, sharing its dated, 20th-century design. Like the Ford, it has had average reliability and good crash-test results, but it's at the bottom of Consumer Reports' large-sedan test ratings. $25,000 to $29,500.

7. GMC Envoy Like the Buick Rainier, the Envoy is a twin of the Chevrolet TrailBlazer. Both the Envoy and TrailBlazer are among the lowest-performing midsized SUVs in Consumer Reports' test Ratings in addition to unimpressive crash test results and poor reliability. $26,500 to $37,000.

8. Ford Explorer The high-volume Ford Explorer has a history of poor depreciation that is expected to continue, despite a freshening for 2006. The midlife update did reduce noise levels from both powertrains, as well as improve interior fit and finish. $26,500-$36,000.

9. Buick Rendezvous Derived from GM's minivans, this SUV has had average reliability but mediocre performance in our tests. It will be discontinued by the end of 2006. $25,000 to $28,500.

10. Chrysler Town & Country This minivan is a twin of the Dodge Grand Caravan, and shares the Dodge's below-average reliability and midpack Ratings in Consumer Reports tests. $21,500 to $36,000.

Now, how many of those are foreign cars?

CHICAGO: Christmas is OK, but no religion!

2006-11-28T06:15:00.000-08:00

A public Christmas festival is no place for the Christmas story, the city says. Officials have asked organizers of a downtown Christmas festival, the German Christkindlmarket, to reconsider using a movie studio as a sponsor because it is worried ads for its film "The Nativity Story" might offend non-Christians.

Read the whole thing.

Doyle earns a D from the Cato Institute

2006-10-23T06:37:00.000-07:00

Cato Institute Releases Governors Report Card

Fiscal policy report card measures performance in cutting spending and taxes
Governor Bob Taft of Ohio receives a D on the Cato Institute's eighth biennial fiscal policy report card released today. He earns low marks for his final term for advancing one of the worst fiscal agendas of all the governors, including his supposed tax reform package, which would actually increase taxes by an estimated $2.3 billion. According to the study, Ohio taxpayers can rest easy knowing that Taft's governorship and the "fiscal damage" he's inflicted on them are coming to an end.

Republican Governor Matt Blunt of Missouri earns the grade of A, the highest score of the 46 governors reviewed, for cutting his state's budget and restraining Medicaid spending. The next two highest scoring governors are Republicans Rick Perry of Texas and Mark Sanford of South Carolina. Phil Bredesen of Tennessee and John Lynch of New Hampshire, both of whom received grades of B, are the highest scoring Democratic governors.

Nine governors, however, receive an F: Kathleen Blanco of Louisiana; Michael Easley of North Carolina; Christine Gregoire of Washington; Kenny Guinn of Nevada; Mike Huckabee of Arkansas; Ruth Ann Minner of Delaware; Janet Napolitano of Arizona; Bob Riley of Alabama; and Brian Schweitzer of Montana.

Of the 25 governors running for reelection this year, 12 earn a grade of D or lower: John Baldacci of Maine; Rod Blagojevich of Illinois; Jim Douglas of Vermont; Jim Doyle of Wisconsin; Robert Ehrlich of Maryland; Dave Freudenthal of Wyoming; Ted Kulongoski of Oregon; Linda Lingle of Hawaii; Janet Napolitano of Arizona; Bob Riley of Alabama; Arnold Schwarzenegger of California; and Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who topped the 2004 governors report card with an A, drops to a D this year due to an overall increase in his state's budget. Governors Jeb Bush of Florida, Bill Owens of Colorado, George Pataki of New York and Bill Richardson of New Mexico also earn lower grades despite receiving accolades in previous years.

The "Fiscal Policy Report Card on America's Governors: 2006," by Cato director of budget studies Stephen Slivinski, emphasizes the importance of tax cuts and provides evidence showing that "states that reduce taxes improve their prospects for economic growth."

The latest report card grades 46 governors on 23 objective measures, awarding the highest grades to those who have reined in spending and cut taxes. Governors from four states (Alaska, Idaho, New Jersey and Virginia) were excluded from the study either because they assumed office too recently or for technical reasons.

Other key findings of the report include:
Constitutional spending restraints and tax cuts are arguably the best solution for bloated budgets during boom years and for out-of-control deficits during lean years.

Flat taxes create fewer economic disincentive effects and make state revenue less volatile. Medicaid must be reformed to avoid rising healthcare costs from consuming state budgets.

"The lesson of the last 20 years is that governors can't tax and spend their way to prosperity; they should stop trying," writes Slivinski. The complete report contains detailed state-by-state data.

For the “Fiscal Policy Report Card on America’s Governors: 2006”

Click here to see the Cato scorecard.

Oh, and hasta la vista, Doyle!

Doyle earns a D from the Cato Institute

2006-10-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

that's crazy!

2006-10-04T14:43:00.000-07:00

A crazy mental health counselor in Tokyo broke the world's record for reciting PI to 100,000 decimal places. It took him 16 hours just to recite the digits. But imagine how much of his life has been wasted memorizing it!

But he can't remember whattheir faces looked like?

2006-10-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

A German plastic surgeon who was cheated out of payment by several women has given pictures of their enlarged breasts to police, in the hope the photos will help trace them.

"The women registered under fake names," Michael Koenig, a surgeon in Cologne, told Bild newspaper. "After the operations, which lasted about an hour, they just ran away."

"Tanja" went out for "fresh air" after 8,000-euro ($10,000) surgery to enlarge her breasts. "She never came back and never paid," Koenig said. He now plans to demand payment in advance.

Bild published a five-column picture of Tanja's naked breasts. "It's probably the most unusual wanted poster police ever had," the newspaper wrote.

bad joke du jour

2006-09-30T09:24:00.000-07:00

I was meeting a friend in a bar, and as I went in I noticed two pretty girls looking at me. "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

Donovan Riley - Future felon running for WI Senate

2006-08-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing Donovan Riley understands about politics, it's the importance of getting votes. He's currently facing incumbent Jeff Pale in Wisconsin's Democrat primary election for Wisconsin State Senator, and is hoping to shine up his record of public service.

Unfortunately, he might be facing a criminal record, instead. Records show that on November 7, 2000 he voted in the Presidential election in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, where his ex-wife had purchased a second home. He had registered to vote in Wisconsin the day before. He then drove back to Chicago and voted again.

His excuse is simple enough. "I made a mistake," Riley claims. Apparently he can't remember voting in one state, then driving 2 hours and voting again in another state. Or maybe his mistake was thinking that he wouldn't get caught so easily in a felony situation. Maybe he should switch his defense to "All the Democrats are doing it. What's the big deal?"

On this day in 1953

2006-08-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Soviets test "Layer-Cake" bomb

Less than one year after the United States tested its first hydrogen bomb, the Soviets detonate a 400-kiloton device in Kazakhstan. The explosive power was 30 times that of the U.S. atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima, and the mushroom cloud produced by it stretched five miles into the sky. Known as the "Layer Cake," the bomb was fueled by layers of uranium and lithium deuteride, a hydrogen isotope. The Soviet bomb was smaller and more portable than the American hydrogen bomb, so its development once again upped the ante in the dangerous nuclear arms race between the Cold War superpowers.

something you don't see every day

2006-07-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

Imagine a kite three times the size of your house. Imagine a kite that requires a 'string' with a breaking strength of 20 tons or a dump truck to serve as anchor.

The world's biggest kite!

bad joke du jour

2006-07-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.
They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females.

The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet.

One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.

He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself.

Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!

Fast For Peace

2006-07-17T07:40:00.000-07:00

The ever so poignant Michelle Malkin joins the Hollywood elite in the Cindy Sheehan 24 Hour Fast and gains a few pounds.

one red paperclip

2006-07-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

Kyle MacDonald traded one red paperclip for a house. Brilliant!

bad joke du jour

2006-07-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a major asshole to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

Kelley Blue Book ripoff

2006-07-06T09:43:00.000-07:00

Ever try to trade in a car to a dealer and find out that the value of your trade-in wasn't as high as you expected? Chances are, the dealer quoted a Kelley Blue Book number when he lowballed you.

I've suspected the KBB values were low for years now, and apparently so have others. If you'd like to see a true market value for your vehicle (and you'd be foolish not to know that before taking your car to a dealer), try looking up similar auctions on ebay, or check Edmunds pricing instead. And if a dealer shows you a Kelley Blue Book value when taking in your car, rest assured they think they're taking in a sucker.. hook, line and sinker.

Lucas With The Lid Off

2006-07-06T07:08:00.000-07:00

One of the most creative music videos I've ever seen.Lucas With The Lid Off. The reason it's so clever is that the whole video was shot in one location in one take (altho it took 17 attempts to get it right). Because the same people appear in different 'scenes', they had to run around the camera and position themselves within a few seconds. Even though it made Lucas into a one-hit wonder, it has had a cult following ever since its debut .

Peace Activist beats up musician

2006-07-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

IN a story reminiscent of Al Franken assaulting a protestor, a 'peace activist' doesn't get his way, and immediately resorts to violence. This time putting a 19 year old musician into a coma. As expected, the peace thug's parents rush to his side to support him, saying that the media isn't telling the whole story.

Personally, I don't think we need to know the 'whole story' when it involves some jerk cold-cocking another guy after the other guy tells him to leave his girlfriend alone. The fact that the guy is a 'peace activist' merely points out his hypocritical lifestyle.

bad joke du jour

2006-06-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.

He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."

they all look the same

2006-06-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

it turns out, all asians DO look the same to me. I scored 4 out of 18 on this quiz.

Ku Klux Klan member is honored in Senate

2006-06-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

Democrat Senator Robert Byrd is honored by the U.S. Senate for being the longest serving Senator in history. Something for the party of Chappaquiddick to be proud of, no doubt.

virgins? what virgins??

2006-06-12T06:39:00.000-07:00

Allah wishes to reward you for being a martyr for Islam. Here are your 72 grapes.

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2006-06-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

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on this day in 1980

2006-05-18T09:06:00.000-07:00

At 8:32 a.m. PDT, Mount St. Helens, a volcanic peak in southwestern Washington, suffers a massive eruption, killing 57 people and devastating some 210 square miles of wilderness.

Called Louwala-Clough, or "the Smoking Mountain," by Native Americans, Mount St. Helens is located in the Cascade Range and stood 9,680 feet before its eruption. The volcano has erupted periodically during the last 4,500 years, and the last active period was between 1831 and 1857. On March 20, 1980, noticeable volcanic activity began again with a series of earth tremors centered on the ground just beneath the north flank of the mountain. These earthquakes escalated, and on March 27 a minor eruption occurred, and Mount St. Helens began emitting steam and ash through its crater and vents.

Small eruptions continued daily, and in April people familiar with the mountain noticed changes to the structure of its north face. A scientific study confirmed that a bulge more than a mile in diameter was moving upward and outward over the high north slope by as much as six feet per day. The bulge was caused by an intrusion of magma below the surface, and authorities began evacuating hundreds of people from the sparsely settled area near the mountain. A few people refused to leave.

On the morning of May 18, Mount St. Helens was shaken by an earthquake of about 5.0 magnitude, and the entire north side of the summit began to slide down the mountain. The giant landslide of rock and ice, one of the largest recorded in history, was followed and overtaken by an enormous explosion of steam and volcanic gases, which surged northward along the ground at high speed. The lateral blast stripped trees from most hill slopes within six miles of the volcano and leveled nearly all vegetation for as far as 12 miles away. Approximately 10 million trees were felled by the blast.

The landslide debris, liquefied by the violent explosion, surged down the mountain at speeds in excess of 100 miles per hour. The avalanche flooded Spirit Lake and roared down the valley of the Toutle River for a distance of 13 miles, burying the river to an average depth of 150 feet. Mudflows, pyroclastic flows, and floods added to the destruction, destroying roads, bridges, parks, and thousands more acres of forest. Simultaneous with the avalanche, a vertical eruption of gas and ash formed a mushrooming column over the volcano more than 12 miles high. Ash from the eruption fell on Northwest cities and towns like snow and drifted around the globe within two weeks. Fifty-seven people, thousands of animals, and millions of fish were killed by the eruption of Mount St. Helens.

By late in the afternoon of May 18, the eruption subsided, and by early the next day it had essentially ceased. Mount St. Helens' volcanic cone was completely blasted away and replaced by a horseshoe-shaped crater--the mountain lost 1,700 feet from the eruption. The volcano produced five smaller explosive eruptions during the summer and fall of 1980 and remains active today. In 1982, Congress made Mount St. Helens a protected research area.

Mount St. Helens became active again in 2004. On March 8, 2005, a 36,000-foot plume of steam and ash was expelled from the mountain, accompanied by a minor earthquake. Though a new dome has been growing steadily near the top of the peak and small earthquakes are frequent, scientists do not expect a repeat of the 1980 catastrophe anytime soon.

Oddly enough, I have not read any reports of the Sierra Club attempting to sue Mother Nature for the resulting damages which vastly exceeded the impact which would result from drilling in ANWR, the Alaskan region officially set aside by the federal government for the sole purpose of oil exploration.

on this day in 1792

2006-05-17T06:22:00.000-07:00

Traders make deal under a buttonwood tree on Wall Street

The early 1790s were not a good time for New York's burgeoning class of speculative traders. Their collective reputation had been badly tarnished by the fall of William Duer, a powerful speculator who illegally parlayed privileged information into successful speculative trades. Along with an extended jail term, the maneuver left Duer broke, which all but destroyed the traders' nascent market. However, rather than give up on speculative trading, the dealers and auctioneers decided to clean up their operations. On this day in 1792, a group of twenty-four traders gathered under a buttonwood tree at 68 Wall Street in lower Manhattan to mete out the conditions and regulations of the speculative market. The result was the Buttonwood Agreement, a modest, two-sentence contract that gave birth to the New York Stock Exchange, which would become the world's largest forum for trading stocks and securities. Where speculators had previously conducted their auctions twice a day in various locations, including street corners and coffeehouses, the Buttonwood Agreement established stricter rules and parameters to more effectively govern trading.

Bad joke du jour

2006-05-12T06:12:00.000-07:00

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, " Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.

The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours.

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

It might be cheaper for you to drive to Venezuela to fill up your tank

2006-05-11T12:19:00.000-07:00

It's almost the start of the summer driving season in the United States. Most drivers are becoming increasingly alarmed at the cost of gas. In many parts of the country, a gallon of gas costs $3.12. Compare that to Venezuela where gas costs a bit less. Like, $3 a gallon less.

The current street price for a gallon of gas in Caracas is just 12 cents a gallon. You could fill up your whole tank for about $2.

Why is it so cheap? Because the Venezuelan government nationalized the oil industry there, and sets the price at whatever they want. Would I want to pay 12 cents a gallon for my gas? Sure! But not if that's what everyone is going to pay, too. I'm not trying to be greedy, but I know that if the government undercuts the price of any commodity or service, somebody is going to have to make up the difference. And in the United States, that somebody is Joe Taxpayer.

Venezuelans might be enjoying their cheap gas, but you can bet they're paying for it another way. Jose Luis Cordeiro, a petroleum engineer who writes about energy issues, estimates Venezuela would have taken in at least an additional $8 billion last year -- almost 8 percent of the nation's GDP -- if Venezuelans had paid market rates for fuel.

Like father, like son

2006-05-05T07:34:00.000-07:00

Police labor union officials asked acting Chief Christopher McGaffin this afternoon to allow a Capitol Police officer to complete his investigation into an early-morning car crash involving Rep. Patrick Kennedy (D-R.I.), son of Sen. Ted Kennedy.

ROLL CALL reports: According to a letter sent by Officer Greg Baird, acting chairman of the USCP FOP, the wreck took place at approximately 2:45 a.m. Thursday when Kennedy's car, operating with its running lights turned off, narrowly missed colliding with a Capitol Police cruiser and smashed into a security barricade at First and C streets Southeast.

“The driver exited the vehicle and he was observed to be staggering,” Baird’s letter states. Officers approached the driver, who “declared to them he was a Congressman and was late to a vote. The House had adjourned nearly three hours before this incident. It was Congressman Patrick J. Kennedy from Rhode Island.”

Baird wrote that Capitol Police Patrol Division units, who are trained in driving under the influence cases, were not allowed to perform basic field sobriety tests on the Congressman. Instead, two sergeants, who also responded to the accident, proceeded to confer with the Capitol Police watch commander on duty and then “ordered all of the Patrol Division Units to leave the scene and that they were taking over.”

"It was apparent that the driver was intoxicated (stumbling) and claimed he was in a hurry to make a vote. When it became apparent who it was, instead of processing a normal DWI, the watch commander had the Patrol units clear the scene. The commander allowed other building officials drive Kennedy home."

This morning's incident comes just over two weeks after Kennedy was involved in a car accident in Rhode Island.

"I was involved in a traffic accident last night at First and C Street SE near the U.S. Capitol," Kennedy said in a written statement released by his office. "I consumed no alcohol prior to the incident. I will fully cooperate with the Capitol Police in whatever investigation they choose to undertake."

Happy Birthday, Audrey

2006-05-04T07:00:00.000-07:00

Audrey Hepburn-Ruston is born on this day in 1929 near Brussels. She dropped the "Ruston" from her name when she started acting.

Hepburn's father, an English banker, left Hepburn and her mother, a Dutch baroness, when Hepburn was six. Hepburn attended school in England, but when World War II erupted, her mother brought her to Holland, thinking her daughter would be safer there. During the war, the Nazis occupied Holland. Delicate-looking Audrey continued to attend school and study ballet-while reportedly smuggling messages to the Resistance in her ballet shoes.

After the war, Hepburn studied ballet in Amsterdam and London, and went on to study acting. She played bit parts on stage and screen until 1951, when she met the French writer Colette. Colette insisted Hepburn be cast in the title role of the Broadway version of her novelGigi. Hepburn's Broadway debut in 1951 brought her enormous attention, and she was cast as the lead in Roman Holiday (1953), co-starring with Gregory Peck. She won the Academy Award for Best Actress for her performance. She continued to win lead roles in strong films, including Sabrina (1951), opposite Humphrey Bogart, Funny Face (1957), The Nun's Story (1959), Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961), and My Fair Lady (1964).

Hepburn married actor and director Mel Ferrer in 1954, and he produced her Oscar-nominated 1967 film, Wait Until Dark. The couple divorced in 1968, and she married an Italian psychiatrist in 1969. The couple moved to Europe, and Hepburn largely retired from Hollywood, devoting her time to charitable causes. She became a special ambassador for UNICEF in the 1970s.

In 1976, after a nine-year hiatus, Hepburn appeared as a middle-aged Maid Marian in Robin and Marian, opposite Sean Connery. She made a handful of film appearances in the 1970s and 1980s, including one as an angel in Always (1989), her final film appearance. Hepburn continued to work for charitable causes until her death in 1993.

Male vs. Female orgasms

2006-05-02T12:03:00.000-07:00

Here's a pretty accurate online simulator of male and female climaxes.

Before you get that DirectTV dish installed...

2006-05-02T08:58:00.000-07:00

You might want to be aware that DirectTV lies to their customers about the need for a phone line to be connected to their receivers. The simple answer is no, it's not at all necessary.

Democrats in Milwaukee can't buy judges

2006-04-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

Four of the 'Milwaukee 5' will be serving time.

Tossing aside a plea agreement that called for probation, Milwaukee Circuit Court Judge Michael Brennan sentenced four Democratic Party workers today to jail for slashing the tires of 25 vans rented by Republicans to take voters to polls for the 2004 presidential election.

Calling the vandalism more than harmless hijinks, Brennan admonished the four men, including the sons of two prominent Milwaukee politicians, for disenfranchising voters. The judge said he had received letters from Milwaukee County citizens upset over the crime.

"They see you tampering with something they consider sacred and that's the ballot box," Brennan said during a two-hour sentencing this morning.

Michael Pratt, 33, and Lewis Caldwell, 29, were each sentenced to six months in jail while Lavelle Mohammad, 36, got five months and Sowande Omokunde, 26, got four months. Each was also fined $1,000. They will be eligible for work release and were allowed to surrender to begin their sentences within two weeks.

Pratt is the son of former Acting Mayor Marvin Pratt and Omokunde is the son of U.S. Rep. Gwen Moore (D-Wis.)

Guys, beware of this scam!

2006-04-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

I think this is one of the most heartless scams tried. Please warn all your male friends about this. This new scam is being pulled mainly on men over 50...

What happens is that when the intended victim stops for a red light, a completely nude and good looking, nicely tanned, unbelievably well-enhanced woman comes up. With bosom bouncing, and body stretched to its full potential, she pretends to wash your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens the back door of your car, taking anything you have in the car.

They are very good at this. They got me two times Friday and five times Saturday. I couldn't find them on Sunday.

Ketchup on a hot dog??

2006-04-24T11:56:00.000-07:00

Cecil, over at The Straight Dope, gives the smackdown on people who think ketchup belongs on a hot dog (or, in his line of thinking, on food products of any sort). As he so eloquently puts it...

People get pretty emotional over the ketchup question. Mel Plotsky opened our discussion by describing the condiment as a "catchall of garbage." Over at crosstown rival Vienna Sausage, they refer to ketchup as the "K-word." If you go into an authentic hot dog joint and ask for ketchup on your hot dog, the counterman will pause and look you in the eye. He may or may not say, "Ketchup?" with a tone of disbelief. But you may be certain what he's thinking: "Behold this creature that walks like a man. It wants ketchup on its hot dog."

On this day in 1886

2006-04-22T09:50:00.000-07:00

Seduction is made illegal

Ohio passes a statute that makes seduction unlawful. Covering all men over the age of 21 who worked as teachers or instructors of women, this law even prohibited men from having consensual sex with women (of any age) whom they were instructing. The penalty for disobeying this law ranged from two to 10 years in prison.

Ohio's seduction law was not the first of its kind. An 1848 New York law made it illegal for a man to have an "illicit connexion (sic) with any unmarried female of previous chaste character" if the man did so by promising to marry the girl. Georgia's version of the seduction statute made it unlawful for men to "seduce a virtuous unmarried female and induce her to yield to his lustful embraces, and allow him to have carnal knowledge of her."

These laws were only sporadically enforced, but a few men were actually prosecuted and convicted. In Michigan, a man was convicted of three counts of seduction, but the appeals court did everything in its power to overturn the decision. It threw out two charges because the defense reasoned that the woman was no longer virtuous after the couple's first encounter. The other charge was overturned after the defense claimed that the woman's testimony-that they had had sex in a buggy-was medically impossible.

On many occasions, women used these laws in order to coerce men into marriage. A New York man in the middle of an 1867 trial that was headed toward conviction proposed to the alleged victim. The local minister was summoned, and the trial instantly became a marriage ceremony.

On this day in 753 BC

2006-04-21T06:55:00.000-07:00

Rome is Founded

According to tradition, on April 21, 753 B.C., Romulus and his twin brother, Remus, found Rome on the site where they were suckled by a she-wolf as orphaned infants. Actually, the Romulus and Remus myth originated sometime in the fourth century B.C., and the exact date of Rome's founding was set by the Roman scholar Marcus Terentius Varro in the first century B.C.

According to the legend, Romulus and Remus were the sons of Rhea Silvia, the daughter of King Numitor of Alba Longa. Alba Longa was a mythical city located in the Alban Hills southeast of what would become Rome. Before the birth of the twins, Numitor was deposed by his younger brother Amulius, who forced Rhea to become a vestal virgin so that she would not give birth to rival claimants to his title. However, Rhea was impregnated by the war god Mars and gave birth to Romulus and Remus. Amulius ordered the infants drowned in the Tiber, but they survived and washed ashore at the foot of the Palatine hill, where they were suckled by a she-wolf until they were found by the shepherd Faustulus.

Reared by Faustulus and his wife, the twins later became leaders of a band of young shepherd warriors. After learning their true identity, they attacked Alba Longa, killed the wicked Amulius, and restored their grandfather to the throne. The twins then decided to found a town on the site where they had been saved as infants. They soon became involved in a petty quarrel, however, and Remus was slain by his brother. Romulus then became ruler of the settlement, which was named "Rome" after him.

To populate his town, Romulus offered asylum to fugitives and exiles. Rome lacked women, however, so Romulus invited the neighboring Sabines to a festival and abducted their women. A war then ensued, but the Sabine women intervened to prevent the Sabine men from seizing Rome. A peace treaty was drawn up, and the communities merged under the joint rule of Romulus and the Sabine king, Titus Tatius. Tatius' early death, perhaps perpetrated by Romulus, left the Roman as the sole king again. After a long and successful rule, Romulus died under obscure circumstances. Many Romans believed he was changed into a god and worshipped him as the deity Quirinus. After Romulus, there were six more kings of Rome, the last three believed to be Etruscans. Around 509 B.C., the Roman republic was established.

Another Roman foundation legend, which has its origins in ancient Greece, tells of how the mythical Trojan Aeneas founded Lavinium and started a dynasty that would lead to the birth of Romulus and Remus several centuries later. In the Iliad, an epic Greek poem probably composed by Homer in the eighth century B.C., Aeneas was the only major Trojan hero to survive the Greek destruction of Troy. A passage told of how and he and his descendants would rule the Trojans, but since there was no record of any such dynasty in Troy, Greek scholars proposed that Aeneas and his followers relocated.

In the fifth century B.C., a few Greek historians speculated that Aeneas settled at Rome, which was then still a small city-state. In the fourth century B.C., Rome began to expand within the Italian peninsula, and Romans, coming into greater contact with the Greeks, embraced the suggestion that Aeneas had a role in the foundation of their great city. In the first century B.C., the Roman poet Virgil developed the Aeneas myth in his epic poem the Aeneid, which told of Aeneas' journey to Rome. Augustus, the first Roman emperor and emperor during Virgil's time, and Julius Caesar, his great-uncle and predecessor as Roman ruler, were said to be descended from Aeneas.

Actual Q&A's from the original Hollywood Squares

2006-04-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

Peter Marshall: Paul, can you get an elephant drunk?
Paul Lynde: Yes, but he still won't go up to your apartment.

Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Peter Marshall: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Peter Marshall: What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?
George Gobel: I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn't have it any other way.

Peter Marshall: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies...but I don't recommend the cookies!

Peter Marshall: If you find someone lying unconscious in the street, should you do anything?
George Goebel: I'd probably crawl around him, I guess.

Peter Marshall: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!

Peter Marshall: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.

Peter Marshall: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics. What is the other?
Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Peter Marshall: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Peter Marshall: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country?
Charley Weaver: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly.

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Peter Marshall: Can boys join the Camp Fire girls?
Marty Allen: Only after lights-out.

Peter Marshall: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will a goose do?
Paul Lynde: Make him bark.

Peter Marshall: True or false, George...experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

Peter Marshall: While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" What does that mean?
George Goebel: Cattle crossing.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected!

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charley Weaver: A divorcee.

Peter Marshall: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?
Paul Lynde: He's out of town.

Peter Marshall: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?
Charley Weaver: Dennis Weaver - that's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Peter Marshall: James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?
Marty Allen: Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
Charley Weaver: His feet.

Peter Marshall: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak?
Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.

Peter Marshall: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. How can you tell Cindy Sheehan is lying?

2006-04-18T15:04:00.000-07:00

A. Her lips are moving.

A Vacaville funeral home owner took exception to "Peace Mom" Cindy Sheehan's allegation that his mortuary did not fulfill its duties after her son Casey was killed in Iraq in 2004.

In her blog last week, Sheehan wrote that the mortuary had refused to pay the cemetery as it was supposed to. Steve Nadeau, the mortuary's owner, said Monday that not only did he properly pay the cemetery, but that he subsidized the process with his own money.

Nadeau read Sheehan's comments in The Reporter Sunday, in a story about Sheehan's defense of her decision not to put a headstone on Casey's grave. Sheehan had described her choice at length in the same blog entry that mentioned Nadeau's Funeral Home.

The Reporter called Nadeau Friday and left a message at his office seeking his comments.

Nadeau returned the call and left a message saying he would be unavailable until Monday.

In an e-mail sent to The Reporter Sunday, Nadeau expressed hurt and disbelief at Sheehan's comments. He said that the amount of money the military gave the mortuary for Casey's funeral service and cemetery arrangements didn't even come close to covering the costs.

"Several kind citizens made donations," said Nadeau. "I absorbed the rest."

This was not the only way in which he went above and beyond his responsibilities following Casey's death, said Nadeau. He also provided a stretch limousine and a driver at his expense, he said, and invited the family to go to the airport with him so that he could accompany them. None of this was required, said Nadeau.

"Having known the Sheehan family for many years through St. Mary's Catholic Church where Ms. Sheehan had previously been the youth director, it was my desire to provide care and dignity to Casey and the family. I did this in every respect."

Nadeau also refuted Sheehan's statement that the mortuary finally paid the cemetery only after the family threatened to bring the story to the media.

"This never happened," said Nadeau. "I would stop by the family home as I do most families' homes and check with them on necessary needs, etc."

Nadeau said the military provided his mortuary $5,736 in funding to pay for the funeral service and cemetery arrangements. The funding came in May 2004, said Nadeau, and he paid the cemetery as soon as the costs had been totaled and the donations received.

In a phone call Monday, Sheehan stood by her allegations. Sheehan also said that Casey's grave site was now being handled by her soon-to-be ex-husband Patrick.

Patrick Sheehan said Monday that the small plaque currently marking Casey's grave is something all graves receive before a headstone is constructed. Casey's headstone is in the works, he said, and is being built by a local monument company.

On this day in 1912

2006-04-14T07:01:00.000-07:00

Just before midnight in the North Atlantic, the RMS Titanic fails to divert its course from an iceberg, ruptures its hull, and begins to sink.

Four days earlier, the Titanic, one of the largest and most luxurious ocean liners ever built, departed Southampton, England, on its maiden voyage across the Atlantic Ocean. While leaving port, the massive ship came within a couple of feet of the steamer New York but passed safely by, causing a general sigh of relief from the passengers massed on the ship's decks.

The Titanic was designed by the Irish shipbuilder William Pirrie and spanned 883 feet from stern to bow. Its hull was divided into 16 compartments that were presumed to be watertight. Because four of these compartments could be flooded without causing a critical loss of buoyancy, the Titanic was considered unsinkable. On its first journey across the highly competitive Atlantic ferry route, the ship carried some 2,200 passengers and crew.

After stopping at Cherbourg, France, and Queenstown, Ireland, to pick up some final passengers, the massive vessel set out at full speed for New York City. However, just before midnight on April 14, the ship hit an iceberg, and five of the Titanic's compartments were ruptured along its starboard side. At about 2:20 a.m. on the morning of April 15, the massive vessel sank into the North Atlantic.

Because of a shortage of lifeboats and the lack of satisfactory emergency procedures, more than 1,500 people went down in the sinking ship or froze to death in the icy North Atlantic waters. Most of the approximately 700 survivors were women and children. A number of notable American and British citizens died in the tragedy, including the noted British journalist William Thomas Stead and heirs to the Straus, Astor, and Guggenheim fortunes. The announcement of details of the disaster led to outrage on both sides of the Atlantic. The sinking of the Titanic did have some positive effects, however, as more stringent safety regulations were adopted on public ships, and regular patrols were initiated to trace the locations of deadly Atlantic icebergs.

On this day in 1865

2006-04-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

President Lincoln is shot

At Ford's Theater in Washington, D.C., John Wilkes Booth, an actor and Confederate sympathizer, fatally wounds President Abraham Lincoln. The attack came only five days after Confederate General Robert E. Lee surrendered his massive army at Appomattox, effectively ending the American Civil War.
Booth, who remained in the North during the war despite his Confederate sympathies, initially plotted to capture President Lincoln and take him to Richmond, the Confederate capital. However, on March 20, 1865, the day of the planned kidnapping, the president failed to appear at the spot where Booth and his six fellow conspirators lay in wait. Two weeks later, Richmond fell to Union forces. In April, with Confederate armies near collapse across the South, Booth hatched a desperate plan to save the Confederacy.

Learning that Lincoln was to attend Laura Keene's acclaimed performance in Our American Cousin at Ford's Theater on April 14, Booth plotted the simultaneous assassination of Lincoln, Vice President Andrew Johnson, and Secretary of State William H. Seward. By murdering the president and two of his possible successors, Booth and his conspirators hoped to throw the U.S. government into a paralyzing disarray.

On the evening of April 14, conspirator Lewis T. Powell burst into Secretary of State Seward's home, seriously wounding him and three others, while George A. Atzerodt, assigned to Vice President Johnson, lost his nerve and fled. Meanwhile, just after 10 p.m., Booth entered Lincoln's private theater box unnoticed, and shot the president with a single bullet in the back of his head. Slashing an army officer who rushed at him, Booth jumped to the stage and shouted "Sic semper tyrannis! [Thus always to tyrants]--the South is avenged!" Although Booth had broken his left leg jumping from Lincoln's box, he succeeded in escaping Washington.

The president, mortally wounded, was carried to a cheap lodging house opposite Ford's Theater. About 7:22 a.m. the next morning, he died--the first U.S. president to be assassinated. Booth, pursued by the army and secret service forces, was finally cornered in a barn near Bowling Green, Virginia, and died from a possibly self-inflicted bullet wound as the barn was burned to the ground. Of the eight other persons eventually charged with the conspiracy, four were hanged and four were jailed.

Timewaster du jour

2006-04-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

I finally found an online game that's even sicker than Don't shoot the puppy.

Try your luck with the Kitty Cannon. My personal 'worst' is 851 feet.

Update: Make that, 1,545 feet. While a coworker claims he got the kitty over 200 feet up in the air.

How to have fun with the IRS (at their expense)

2006-04-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

1. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

2. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

3. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, use a two or three party check. On top of paying with a three party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a few nasty forms.

5. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

6. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a grocery bag.

7. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

8. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

9. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

10. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped.

On this day in 1861

2006-04-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

The Civil War begins

The bloodiest four years in American history begin when Confederate shore batteries under General P.G.T. Beauregard open fire on Union-held Fort Sumter in South Carolina's Charleston Bay. During the next 34 hours, 50 Confederate guns and mortars launched more than 4,000 rounds at the poorly supplied fort. On April 13, U.S. Major Robert Anderson surrendered the fort. Two days later, U.S. President Abraham Lincoln issued a proclamation calling for 75,000 volunteer soldiers to quell the Southern "insurrection."

As early as 1858, the ongoing conflict between North and South over the issue of slavery had led Southern leadership to discuss a unified separation from the United States. By 1860, the majority of the slave states were publicly threatening secession if the Republicans, the anti-slavery party, won the presidency. Following Republican Abraham Lincoln's victory over the divided Democratic Party in November 1860, South Carolina immediately initiated secession proceedings. On December 20, the South Carolina legislature passed the "Ordinance of Secession," which declared that "the Union now subsisting between South Carolina and other states, under the name of the United States of America, is hereby dissolved." After the declaration, South Carolina set about seizing forts, arsenals, and other strategic locations within the state. Within six weeks, five more Southern states--Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana--had followed South Carolina's lead.

In February 1861, delegates from those states convened to establish a unified government. Jefferson Davis of Mississippi was subsequently elected the first president of the Confederate States of America. When Abraham Lincoln was inaugurated on March 4, 1861, a total of seven states (Texas had joined the pack) had seceded from the Union, and federal troops held only Fort Sumter in South Carolina, Fort Pickens off the Florida coast, and a handful of minor outposts in the South. Four years after the Confederate attack on Fort Sumter, the Confederacy was defeated at the total cost of 620,000 Union and Confederate soldiers dead.

On this day in 1633

2006-04-12T07:26:00.000-07:00

Galileo is convicted of heresy

The inquisition of physicist and astronomer Galileo Galilei for holding the heretical belief that the Earth revolves around the Sun begins. The chief inquisitor was Father Vincenzo Maculano da Firenzuola, who was appointed by Pope Urban VIII. Galileo was forced to turn himself in to the Holy Office because standard practice demanded that the accused be imprisoned and secluded during the trial.

This was the second time that Galileo was in the hot seat for refusing to accept Church orthodoxy that the Earth was the immovable center of the universe: In 1616, he had been forbidden from holding or defending his beliefs. In the 1633 interrogation, Galileo denied that he "held" belief in the Copernican view but continued to write about the issue and evidence as a means of "discussion" rather than belief. The Church had decided the idea that the Sun moved around the Earth was an absolute fact of scripture that could not be disputed, despite the fact that scientists had known for centuries that the Earth was not the center of the universe.

This time, Galileo's technical argument didn't win the day. On June 22, 1633, the Church handed down the following order: "We say, pronounce, sentence, and declare, that thou, the said Galileo, by the things deduced during this trial, and by thee confessed as above, hast rendered thyself vehemently suspected of heresy by this Holy Office, that is, of having believed and held a doctrine which is false, and contrary to the Holy Scriptures, to wit: that the Sun is the centre of the universe, and that it does not move from east to west, and that the Earth moves and is not the centre of the universe."

Along with the order came the following penalty: "We order that by a public edict the book of Dialogues of Galileo Galilei be prohibited, and We condemn thee to the prison of this Holy Office during Our will and pleasure; and as a salutary penance We enjoin on thee that for the space of three years thou shalt recite once a week the Seven Penitential Psalms."

Galileo agreed not to teach the heresy anymore and spent the rest of his life under house arrest. It took more than 300 years for the Church to admit that Galileo was right and to clear his name of heresy.

Bad joke du jour

2006-04-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

Two IT guys were talking in a bar after work. "Guess what," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde in a bar."
"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Seriously? You got a new laptop?"

Jimmy Carter versus reality

2006-04-07T06:55:00.000-07:00

Neal Boortz explains the difference between Jimmy Carter and rational human beings...

Yesterday James Taranto's Wall Street Journal Online column carried an item about an article that appeared in Atlanta's Creative Loafing tabloid newspaper. The article detailed an interview with former (thank God) president Jimmy Carter. Read for yourself --- and stand back in amazement at the absurdity of this man who has never seen a dictator he didn't like; a man who once occupied our The Oval Office; a man whom the voters overwhelmingly rejected after just four years --- Jimmy Carter, our biggest national mistake:

"I was teaching a Sunday school class two weeks ago," he recalls. "A girl, she was about 16 years old from Panama City [Fla.], asked me about the differences between Democrats and Republicans.

"I asked her, 'Are you for peace, or do you want more war?' Then I asked her, 'Do you favor government helping the rich, or should it seek to help the poorest members of society? Do you want to preserve the environment, or do you want to destroy it? Do you believe this nation should engage in torture, or should we condemn it? Do you think each child today should start life responsible for $28,000 in [federal government] debt, or do you think we should be fiscally responsible?'

"I told her that if she answered all of those questions, that she believed in peace, aiding the poor and weak, saving the environment, opposing torture ... then I told her, 'You should be a Democrat.' "

Now come on, folks. Does this sound like the type of reasoning you would expect out of someone who was once the President of the United States? These are the ravings of a person incapable of rational thought. Actually, this little story about Carter talking to a 16-year-old makes us shudder at the thought of how much more damage this man could have done while he was in the White House. Now he seems to be quite blissful just spending his time running around the world looking for despots and dictators, like Hugo Chaves, to stroke. Oh how we long for the Carter era of malaise and 21% interest rates, right?

Ok .. now let's turn Neal Boortz into a Sunday school teacher.

A young lady, she was about 16, approaches me in Sunday School and asks me about the difference between a Democrat and a Republican. I asked her how much time she had. "Not much." she said. "Keep it simple."

I asked her if she believed in the concept of individualism, and the right of an individual to live with personal and economic freedom. Then I asked her if she would fight to defend those freedoms, or if she thought it would be better to live as a slave rather than fight. I told her that if she would fight for her freedom and the freedom of her family, then she should be a Republican. If she would rather live as a slave, then she should be a Democrat.

I asked her if she believed that government should treat all citizens alike, or if she believed that government should take take stuff away from those who prosper because they work hard and make good decisions, and give that stuff to people who aren't willing to work hard and who put no thought into the consequences of the decisions they make. I told her that if she believes in punishing behavior that improves our society and our economy, then she should be a Democrat. But if she believes in rewarding the behavior that builds our economy and enhances freedom and economic liberty, then she should be a Republican. In fact, she should be a Libertarian.

Then I asked her if she believed that saving a life by force-feeding a person who is trying to kill themselves with a hunger strike is torture, then she ought to be a Democrat. If she believes that keeping that person alive is the right thing to do, even if it means making them eat, she ought to be a Republican.

I asked her if she believes that when the sun gets hotter the earth's atmosphere will get hotter also. If so, she ought to be a Republican. If she believes that the sun getting hotter can't possibly be responsible for the temperature of the earth rising a degree or two, then she ought to be a Democrat. If she believes that humans should be wiped off the face of the earth in order to save it, she ought to be a Democrat. If she believes that mankind has a place on this earth she ought to laugh at Democrats.

Then I asked her if she thought that her child should start life owing about $28,000 to cover the debt of her government, then either the Democratic or the Republican party would work pretty well for her. If she thinks that government ought to be limited and should cost a lot less, then it's time to look into being a Libertarian.

$100 for every US citizen

2006-04-05T19:23:00.000-07:00

$29 Billlion. That's how much Congress approved this year for their 'pork projects'. Projects of little importance to anyone other than the people they provide jobs for.

Examples include: a "bridge to nowhere," a $223 million project connecting Alaska's Gravina Island — population 50 — to the mainland, and a $1 million water-free urinal conservation initiative.

Which proves that Congress has no problem pissing away our money.

On this day in 1976

2006-04-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

Howard Robard Hughes, one of the richest men to emerge from the American West during the 20th century, dies while flying from Acapulco to Houston.

Born in Houston, Texas, in 1905, Hughes inherited an estate of nearly a million dollars when his father died in 1923. Hughes' father also left him the business that had created this fortune, the Hughes Tool Company, which controlled the rights to a new oil drill technology that was in high demand. The young Hughes quickly began to expand his business empire into new fields. In 1926, he moved to Hollywood, where he became involved in the rapidly growing movie industry. He produced several popular films, including Hell's Angels, Scarface, and The Outlaw.

Fascinated with the new technology of airplanes, Hughes also invested heavily in the burgeoning West Coast aviation industry. With some training in engineering from the California Institute of Technology and the Rice Institute of Technology, Hughes designed his own aircraft and then had his Hughes Aircraft Company build it. In 1935, he piloted one of his airplanes to a new world-speed record of 352.46 mph. His reputation as an aircraft designer and builder suffered after an ill-fated WWII government-sponsored project to build an immense plane that Hughes claimed would be able to transport 750 passengers. Nicknamed the Spruce Goose, Hughes' monstrosity flew only once: a one-mile hop on November 2, 1947.

Never an extrovert, Hughes became increasingly reclusive after 1950. Operating through managers who rarely saw him in person, he bought up vast tracts of real estate in California, Arizona, and Nevada that skyrocketed in value. In 1967, he became involved in the Nevada gambling industry when he purchased the famous Desert Inn Hotel on the Las Vegas strip. Nevada gaming authorities welcomed Hughes' involvement because it counteracted the popular image that the Mafia dominated the gambling industry. By the early 1970s, Hughes had become the largest single landholder in Nevada, and with around 8,000 Nevada residents on his payroll, Hughes was also the state's largest employer.

Although the rumors of Hughes' bizarre behavior have been exaggerated--in part due to a fraudulent memoir published in 1971--in his final years the billionaire became even more obsessed with privacy. He continually moved between his residences in Las Vegas, the Bahamas, Nicaragua, Canada, England, and Mexico. Other than a few male aides, almost nobody saw Hughes, and he sometimes worked for days at a stretch in a black-curtained room without sleeping.

Emaciated and deranged from too little food and too many drugs, Hughes finally became so ill that his aides decided that he needed medical treatment. He died in his airplane en route from Acapulco to Houston at the age of 70.

Don't shoot the puppy

2006-04-04T13:58:00.000-07:00

Quite possibly the worst and funniest online game I've seen.

Tired of regular golf? Try GolfCross

2006-03-31T21:29:00.000-08:00

The game played with the oval golf ball. The funny thing is, this one is real.

Dihydrogen monoxide is spreading.. prepare yourself

2006-03-31T21:18:00.000-08:00

It seems you can't pick up a copy of the Sierra Club Newsletter these days without reading a story about the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. Get the facts before it's too late!

Boost your blog site traffic the legal way!

2006-03-31T21:14:00.000-08:00

"VCs are breathing down your neck to bring in more traffic. Your Media Metrix numbers are plunging because they "forgot" to include your biggest site in your consolidation. Customers are pissed because they aren't getting enough exposure. Your sales staff is fuming because you don't have enough impressions. Click Monkeys!!™ can solve all your problems!!!! Their off shore click farm can guarantee over 10 million new impressions per month and a million new unique visitors!!"

Afterlife Telegrams

2006-03-31T21:08:00.000-08:00

For a donation of $5.00 per word (5 word minimum), Afterlife Telegram Service can have telegrams delivered to people who have passed away. This is done with the help of terminally ill volunteers who memorize the telegrams before passing away, and then deliver the telegrams after they have crossed over to the other side.

But what's the punchline?

2006-03-31T09:01:00.000-08:00

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifed from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ’Take a clean dish’".

Neutrinos escape a government lab!

2006-03-31T07:59:00.000-08:00

Attention Wisconsin residents... the government is currently covering up a snafu that resulted in the 'loss' of neutrinos somewhere in our state!

Top 5 Secrets the government doesn't want you to know

2006-03-30T09:41:00.000-08:00

According to The Weekly World News, here are the top 5 secrets the government is hiding.

1. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

2. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

3. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

4. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

5. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

When they government demands less, they get more

2006-03-30T08:32:00.000-08:00

The truth behind those evil tax cuts for the rich. History has consistently shown that a lower tax burden results in increased prosperity for everyone, including the government.

On this day in 1870

2006-03-30T07:44:00.000-08:00

The 15th Amendment, granting voting rights to blacks, slaves and all minorities, is adopted

Following its ratification by the requisite three-fourths of the states, the 15th Amendment, granting African-American men the right to vote, is formally adopted into the U.S. Constitution. Passed by Congress the year before, the amendment reads, "the right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude." One day after it was adopted, Thomas Peterson-Mundy of Perth Amboy, New Jersey, became the first African American to vote under the authority of the 15th Amendment.

In 1867, the Republican-dominated Congress passed the First Reconstruction Act, over President Andrew Johnson's veto, dividing the South into five military districts and outlining how new governments based on universal manhood suffrage were to be established. With the adoption of the 15th Amendment in 1870, a politically mobilized African-American community joined with white allies in the Southern states to elect the Republican Party to power, which brought about radical changes across the South. By late 1870, all the former Confederate states had been readmitted to the Union, and most were controlled by the Republican Party, thanks to the support of African-American voters.

In the same year, Hiram Rhoades Revels, a Republican from Natchez, Mississippi, became the first African American ever to sit in Congress. Although African-American Republicans never obtained political office in proportion to their overwhelming electoral majority, Revels and a dozen other African-American men served in Congress during Reconstruction, more than 600 served in state legislatures, and many more held local offices. However, in the late 1870s, the Southern Republican Party vanished with the end of Reconstruction, and Southern state governments effectively nullified the 14th and 15th Amendments, stripping Southern African Americans of the right to vote. It would be nearly a century before the Republican-controlled Congress would again attempt to establish equal rights for African Americans in the South.

Bad joke du jour

2006-03-30T06:46:00.000-08:00

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

Our borders are terrorist highways

2006-03-29T10:37:00.000-08:00

Congressional investigators testing U.S. port security smuggled enough radioactive material into the United States last year to make two radiological "dirty" bombs, officials told a Senate panel yesterday.

In December, undercover teams from the Government Accountability Office, Congress's audit arm, carried small amounts of cesium-137 -- a radioactive material used for cancer therapy, industrial gauges and well logging -- in the trunks of rental cars through border checkpoints in Texas and Washington state. The material triggered radiation alarms, but the smugglers used false documents to persuade U.S. Customs and Border Protection inspectors to let them through with it.

"These are documents my 20-year-old son could easily develop with a simple Internet search," said Sen. Norm Coleman (R-Minn.), who chaired the hearing into covert nuclear threats before a Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs subcommittee yesterday. "It is a problem when it is tougher to buy cold medicine than it is to acquire enough material to construct a dirty bomb."

I'm sick of antibacterial products

2006-03-28T13:06:00.000-08:00

by Christopher Wanjek

Pity the poor bacterium, the Rodney Dangerfield of the unicellular world. It eats our trash, makes soil fertile, turns the food we swallow into useful vitamins, and yet it gets no respect. Most people, when you get right down to it, are just plain bacteria bigots. They want to run all 2,000-plus species of bacteria out of town just because of a few ornery germs that can harm us.
And now, it seems, our pursuit of a bacteria-free world is making us sick. Got antibacterial soap? It could be doing you more harm than good.

A study published this month in Chest (trust me, it's a medical journal) finds that antibiotic exposure during infancy is associated with asthma. This follows a string of studies from the past few years, such as those from the Immune Tolerance Network, revealing that early exposure to harmful bacteria builds a healthy immune system. Kids exposed to endotoxin-releasing bacteria, for example, are less likely to be allergic to dogs and cats.

These docs have a sense of humor, too. They call this the Pigpen Effect, after the Peanut's character with his protective cloud of dirt. It's a dirty little secret the antibacterial soap people don't want you to know about.

The rising incidence of asthma and allergies in the developed (cleaner) world, doctors say, could be tied to the relatively sterile environments our children live in compared to a generation ago. Children not exposed to harmful bacteria, or conversely, given antibiotics to kill bacteria, do not receive the germ workout required to make antibodies. More specifically, they do not develop T-helper cells, which fight foreign cellular invaders and minimize allergies.

Unfortunately the American consumer is at war with all bacteria. According to the Soap and Detergent Association (too bad its acronym couldn't spell SUD), more than three-quarters of liquid soap and over a quarter of bar soaps on supermarket shelves contain triclosan, an antibiotic that kills most bacteria, both good and bad.

Ridding ourselves of bacteria is a hopeless endeavor. Bacteria outnumber human cells in your body 10 to 1. This is a good thing. The entire digestive tract is lined with bacteria, from top to, uh, bottom. These bacteria work with the body's own chemicals in breaking down food, converting it to useful vitamins and minerals, and making sure the intestinal walls can absorb the nutrients for the blood stream to circulate. Without these bacteria, we could not digest food. Babies, born relatively bacteria-free, are extremely limited in what they can eat.

Human skin contains many species of harmless bacteria. Their presence prevents harmful bacteria, what we commonly call germs, from gaining a foothold on your skin. Numerous studies show that antibacterial soap is no more effective than ordinary soap in cleaning your hands. Either kind lifts off germ-laden dirt. But antibacterial soap kills helpful bacteria on the skin, freeing up valuable real estate so that harmful bacteria can move in later.

The marketing of antibacterial products during flu and cold season is a scam, because colds and flu are caused by viruses, not bacteria. Most bacterial infections in the United States are food-borne: salmonella, listeria, and E. coli. We cannot wash food in triclosan. Apparently we tolerate feces in our food supply yet reach for an antibacterial wipe to clean some jelly off the counter. It's enough to make you sick.

I crack myself up

2006-03-24T14:39:00.000-08:00

On a whim, I started yet another photoblog. This one is strictly for amusing, or the occasional exceptionally good, photos that I find on flickr. Check out Not My Photo.

250-Year-Old Tortoise Dies

2006-03-24T07:32:00.000-08:00

Cut down in the prime of his life, Addwaita, a 250-year old tortoise died in the Calcutta zoo on Wednesday.

Addwaita, which means "the one and only" in the local Bengali language, was one of four Aldabra tortoises brought to India by British sailors in the 18th century.

Zoo officials say he was a gift for Lord Robert Clive of the East India Company, who was instrumental in establishing British colonial rule in India, before he returned to England in 1767.

This reminds me of the famous Ronald Reagan quote, "The new Democratic candidate claims he is the new Thomas Jefferson. My friend... I knew Thomas Jefferson! And you are no Thomas Jefferson!"

This tortoise really could have known Thomas Jefferson.

Elf finger found in box of cookies

2006-03-23T20:46:00.000-08:00

Pine Meadow resident Ed Swaney made a gruesome discovery Sunday, when he opened a package of E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and found a tiny, golden-fingernailed appendage believed to be an elfin index finger.

"It was horrifying," said 43-year-old Swaney, a shoe salesman and frequent snacker. "At first, I thought it was just a broken-off little cookie chunk, but then my tongue brushed a tiny bone on the end, and I spit it out."

Forensic investigators say the digit is an index finger, measuring nearly three-quarters of an inch, and bearing a small signet ring embossed with a tree design. A spokesperson for Kellogg's, Keebler's parent company, denied responsibility for the incident.

No wonder I'm still not married

2006-03-23T16:45:00.000-08:00

My friends and relatives can never understand why I'm still not married in my late 30s. I tell them that it's a tough world out there, in a dating sense. And getting tougher every day. A perfect example just rolled into my email inbox, and I felt I had to share it, so others watch and learn. The email is from Karen, a woman I had met online, and exchanged a handful of emails with late last year.

"I got your phone message..I am not at all interested in someone who calls whenever they feel like it...especially from a man who has a bunch of kids to pay for..and is a bit alcking [sic] in a few other departments...i think you were rude and inconsiderate and have absolutely no use for you.

Karen"

I found this to be extremely entertaining, given the fact that the last contact I had with this particular woman was over 4 months ago. I called the day she gave me her phone number, but since she wasn't home, I left a very polite 15-second message. I never heard back from her, either by phone or email.

Fast forward to the present. She obviously wasn't intending to sendt this message to me as I have no kids, and haven't called her since before Christmas. But I'm more than a bit disturbed by her attitude.

She isn't interested in a guy who calls whenever he feels like it? If anything, women most frequently criticize men for not calling often enough.

And how about the part about "a bunch of kids to pay for". How does that make you feel, reader? How many single people over the age of 30 DON'T have kids to pay for? If anything, I'm the weirdo in society for being childless.

But the final line "you were rude and inconsiderate and have absolutely no use for you" truly sums it up. The pot that has just called the kettle black is now off to find a polite and chivalrous guy.. and make his life hell.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

If you buy right now, we'll throw in this

2006-03-23T12:15:00.000-08:00

How often have you heard the phrase "if you believe that, I've got a bridge I'll sell you"? Well, if you had accepted the offer, you would have gotten a cold war era fallout shelter included in the deal.

NY State Senator shows her compassion

2006-03-23T11:54:00.000-08:00

According to the Albany Times Union, Queens Democrat Ada Smith threw coffee in a staffer's face, and pulled her hair.

This wouldn't be the first time Smith faced allegations by a staffer. Last year, she was cleared of an accusation by a former chief of staff who said he was terminated because he is homosexual. Also, in 1996 she allegedly threatened one employee with a knife.

I personally had to read the article twice to confirm they weren't referring to Hillary Clinton.

For all you Monty Python fans

2006-03-22T16:41:00.000-08:00

The Camelot scene from The Holy Grail.. performed with Lego people. Hilarious!

President Bush orders loyalty checks

2006-03-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

Today, President Bush had an unexpected press conference in which he announced an executive order requiring all federal employees to submit to 'loyalty checks'. Fearing that employees who are sympathetic to foreign governments are in sensitive positions within the government, Bush plans to investigate the background and 'loyalties' of every federal employee, saying that he expects "complete and unswerving loyalty" to the United States. Anything less, he declared, "constitutes a threat to our democratic processes."

Loyalty boards will be set up in every department and agency of the federal government. Using lists of "totalitarian, fascist, communist, or subversive" organizations provided by the attorney general, and relying on investigations by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, these boards will review every employee. If there exists "reasonable grounds" to doubt an employee's loyalty, he or she will be dismissed. A Loyalty Review Board will be set up under the Civil Service Commission to deal with employees' appeals.

For all you liberals out there who are now screaming "that neofacist Chimpy McBush can't do that!", I'll let you in on a little secret. He isn't really planning to. That was already done once, by the Democrat, Harry S. Truman. Instituted on this date in 1947.

Thank you, McCain and Feingold!

2006-03-22T09:45:00.000-08:00

The fallout is still dropping from the radioactive legislation known as the McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance "Reform" Act. Bloggers from all political affiliations are very concerned how the law will affect their ability to express their political opinions, regardless of their 1st Amendment rights.

Since the McCain-Feingold legislation took effect, political funding has been shuffled into the various loopholes, the most famous known as 527's, which are generally unregulated. In effect, the campaign finance 'reform' has caused campaign financing to be more abused now than ever. Consider George Soro's millions of dollars channeled into MoveOn.Org. In pre-reform days, the hungarian billionaire who made his money through currency speculation (often causing nationwide recessions through his influence, but at his profit) would have had his personal influence reigned into to under 1 percent of what he currently controls.

But now it seems the Campaign Finance "Reform" Act actually will start imposing restrictions. Not on millions of dollars pouring in from billionaires with an axe to grind. No, they can still do pretty much whatever they want, as long as they form a 527 group. It's YOU that will be restricted. Your personal opinions might be silenced if you want to discuss politics online. This goes contrary to everything our Constitution is founded on, and it's a travesty that George Bush signed this idiotic law. George, have you ever heard of something called a VETO?

This is still a government of, by, and for the people, isn't it? Apparently those assholes McCain and Feingold know what's best for the people. We shouldn't trouble our pretty little heads about it.

IRS plans to make your tax return public

2006-03-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

Imagine having the option to fill out your tax return and post it on a 'tax site' similar to Monster.com, with all your information available for everyone to see. Your name, address, income, deductions. Basically, your entire net worth. Would you do that? Especially since it won't give you any sort of advantage. You won't get your refund any quicker. The IRS won't be any less likely to audit you.

Yes, I can see tens of thousands of people logging on to upload all their most private information.

But that's essentially what the IRS plans to do, whether you like it or not. They plan to allow tax preparers to sell your information to anyone who pays.

If you think you should have some say in who H&R Block sells your information to, send a letter (no emails) to:

CC:PA:LPD:PR (REG-137243-02)
Room 5203
Internal Revenue Service, Box 7604
Ben Franklin Station, Washington, D.C. 20044.

Love will solve everything.. just ask any divorcee

2006-03-21T18:26:00.000-08:00

Rock legend Carlos Santana gets all geopolitical and gives everyone the benefit of his like, wisdom man:

Carlos Santana quoted his old friend Jimi Hendrix in an anti-war message here today and said his philosophy is the antithesis of President George W. Bush's.
"I have wisdom. I feel love. I live in the present and I try to present a dimension that brings harmony and healing," the 58-year-old rock icon said. "My concept is the opposite of George W. Bush."

..."There is more value in placing a flower in a rifle barrel than making war," he said. "As Jimi Hendrix used to say, musical notes have more importance than bullets."

Like, yeah man! Yeah! We didn't need to fight the Nazis with like gun and tanks man, we should have just used crunchy grooves! And Saddam? After he raped and murdered a bunch of people, the people who weren't dead yet should have just walked up, stuck flowers in the soldier's guns, and then they could have just all held hands and turned Iraq into a big groovy commune, man.

So like when you're captured by a terrorist who's going to saw off your head cause you're like a Jew or something, don't wish for a bunch of Marines to kick in the door, just start singing Voodoo Child man, and everything will be all right! Cause music will produce harmony and healing dude!

This special message has been brought to you by the group: "Have a glass of shut the hell up Carlos Santana, you stupid, ^%$$&$^&^ hippie."

John Hawkins, via Right Wing News

Top Ten Ways To Annoy an IRS Agent

2006-03-21T13:44:00.000-08:00

10. Instead of I.R.S., pronounce it "IRS"

9. Whenever he starts using his calculator, start yelling out a bunch of numbers.

8. Tape all your receipts up into a giant ball and then whip it at his head.

7. Pour a jar of honey on your W-2, let a bear loose in his office.

6. Be Leona Helmsley.

5. Tell him: "You know who makes a lot of money? That Oprah."

4. Keep saying, "1040, good buddy!"

3. Whenever he disallows a deduction, say "Oh, Mr. Gotti isn't going to like that..."

2. List his wife under "entertainment expenses."

1. Keep yelling "Hey, audit this!"

The tolerance of Islam

2006-03-21T07:11:00.000-08:00

An Afghan man is awaiting sentencing for the unforgivable crime of converting to Christianity. He is expecting to receive the death sentence by the Kabul court.

And no, this is not a joke.

The prosecutor, Abdul Wasi, said he had offered to drop the charges if Rahman converted back to Islam, but he refused.

"He would have been forgiven if he changed back. But he said he was a Christian and would always remain one," Wasi told AP. "We are Muslims and becoming a Christian is against our laws. He must get the death penalty."

And in the muslim nation of Pakistan, it's no better to be a woman.

"Honor killings" are committed for the crimes of women choosing their own husbands, seeking divorce, or being raped. Yes, being raped is considered a crime for the victim since women are allowed essentially no rights in muslim nations.

But what happens to the killers, you ask. Oh, they have to appear before a court and pay a fine. About the same as getting a speeding ticket in America.

UPDATE: Here is a heartbreaking story about an Afghan girl who was married at the age of 4 and suffered daily beatings by her father-in-law. The good news is that she escaped and is now learning that staying alive doesn't require having bones broken on a regular basis. The bad news is that there are thousands more of these girls in muslim countries.

South Park "Scientology" episode

2006-03-21T06:21:00.000-08:00

You can watch the South Park episode that Tom Cruise had banned on your computer. (Tom finally comes out of the closet!)

The not so wholesome side of Whole Foods

2006-03-21T06:06:00.000-08:00

Ever notice how people who love Whole Foods are the same ones who hate Walmart? As is often the case with those people, they're not seeing the Whole (Foods) picture.

The Iceman Cometh

2006-03-21T06:05:00.000-08:00

The latest online edition of The Straight Dope answers a question that I had been pondering just a few days ago.

Dear Cecil:

When I'm reading novels of, say, the antebellum south and there's a guy who goes around on a cart selling blocks of ice, how the heck did he get it? I mean, they didn't have the fridge to rely on. Did they go way up north and cut blocks of ice and pack it in straw for the summer, or was there a way to manufacture ice at that time? I can't figure this one out and have nowhere else to turn. Please help.--Terwiliger Paige

Read it all here.

Idiotic headline of the day

2006-03-20T15:02:00.000-08:00

T-shirts Brand Kids as Potential Alcoholics

The associated article presses the logic that wearing a t-shirt with a beer logo on it makes the wearer more likely to become a problem drinker.

That's why I always wear pants that are 2 inches too long, because I'm pretty sure it'll make me grow taller

Iraqis angry that U.S. forgot anniversary of war

2006-03-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

Iraqi citizens, already furious at the United States for a host of issues, are now miffed that the U.S. apparently forgot the third anniversary of the war there, sources said today.

Across the war-torn nation, Iraqis expressed a range of emotions from dismay to outright anger at the U.S. for failing to recognize the anniversary of the March 2003 invasion.

And while Sunnis and Shiites have found little to agree about as sectarian violence has surged in recent weeks, they both seemed in accord about one thing today: the United States should have at least sent flowers.

“A third anniversary is a big deal, and it should have been marked with a tasteful bouquet,” said Tikrit resident Hassan El-Medfaai, 47. “Apparently, this anniversary means a lot more to us than it does to them.”

At the White House, aides were scrambling to make amends with the Iraqi people over the apparent omission, with President Bush reportedly suggesting that the U.S. send a Mylar balloon with the words “Mission Accomplished” on it.

But at the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defended the U.S.’s failure to recognize the anniversary, telling reporters, “When we invaded three years ago, the Iraqis didn’t greet us with flowers, either.”

Secretary Rumsfeld added that a third anniversary is not “a major one,” and that the U.S. would still be in Iraq to celebrate the twenty-fifth.

Elsewhere, after Belarussian President Alexander Lukashenko called President Bush “terrorist No. 1 on the planet,” Osama bin Laden said that the ranking should be determined by a tournament and demanded that he be included in the Final Four.

Satire by The Borowitz Report

Republican Party: Born On date

2006-03-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

On this day in 1854 in a small one-room schoolhouse in Ripon, Wisconsin, former members of the Whig Party meet to establish a new party to oppose the spread of slavery into the western territories. The Whig Party, which was formed in 1834 to oppose the "tyranny" of President Andrew Jackson, had shown itself incapable of coping with the national crisis over slavery.

With the successful introduction of the Kansas-Nebraska Bill of 1854, an act that dissolved the terms of the Missouri Compromise and allowed slave or free status to be decided in the territories by popular sovereignty, the Whigs disintegrated. By February 1854, anti-slavery Whigs had begun meeting in the upper midwestern states to discuss the formation of a new party. One such meeting, in Wisconsin on March 20, 1854, is generally remembered as the founding meeting of the Republican Party.

The Republicans rapidly gained supporters in the North, and in 1856 their first presidential candidate, John C. Fremont, won 11 of the 16 Northern states. By 1860, the majority of the Southern slave states were publicly threatening secession if the Republicans won the presidency. In November 1860, Republican Abraham Lincoln was elected president over a divided Democratic Party, and six weeks later South Carolina formally seceded from the Union. Within six more weeks, five other Southern states had followed South Carolina's lead, and in April 1861 the Civil War began when Confederate shore batteries under General P.G.T. Beauregard opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina's Charleston Bay.

The Civil War firmly identified the Republican Party as the party of the victorious North, and after the war the Republican-dominated Congress forced a "Radical Reconstruction" policy on the South, which saw the passage of the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments to the Constitution and the granting of equal rights to all Southern citizens. By 1876, the Republican Party had lost control of the South, but it continued to dominate the presidency until the election of Franklin D. Roosevelt in 1933.

Anti-War Movement gains momentum

2006-03-20T11:58:00.000-08:00

The news has been full of recent reports of ~~millions~~ ~~hundreds of thousands~~ dozens of anti-~~justice~~war protestors marching to show their support for ~~bin Laden~~ ~~Saddam Hussein~~ peace.

You've probably seen a lot of photos of this fun-loving bunch. But I thought I'd post a few more.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: polo champs

2006-03-20T11:51:00.000-08:00

According to eyewitness accounts, the fearsome foursome known in theological circles as War, Famine, Pestilence and Death took on all comers in several polo matches and won every chukker.

"They performed very well indeed," says one club member who has played with Britain's Prince Charles but called his experience with the bonnie Four Horsemen "incomparable even to that."

"They are superb horsemen and very fast to the ball. Of course, their appearance is very unsettling, but overall they did seem a splendid bunch of chaps."

But not everyone was kosher with the idea. "Death on a Pale Horse riding against Joe Blow on a polo pony? I'm sorry -- for me, that just doesn't compute. Besides our guys were all dressed in regulation attire. These Four Horsemen looked like rejects from the World Wrestling Federation.

Run Windows XP on a Mac

2006-03-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

For Mac users who feel left out of the loop by not experiencing a Blue Screen Of Death several times a day, there is hope. You can now run Windows XP on the latest Intel-based Macs. Why you would want to is beyond me.

What to do if your eye pops out

2006-03-18T16:08:00.000-08:00

Villanova basketball star Allan Ray had his eyeball literally poked out of its socket by an opposing player in a recent game. Ray has been treating the injury with eye drops, and he planned to meet with doctors to find out if he can play in the first round of the NCAA tournament. What should you do if your eyeball comes out of your head?

Get it put back in, and soon. The longer you remain in this rare condition—known as "globe luxation"—the more strain you'll put on the blood vessels and nerves that connect your eye to the rest of your head. Your luxated globes will also be susceptible to corneal abrasions or inflammation, and the feeling of your eyelids clamped down behind them won't be pleasant.

You should be able to get your eye back in place without serious, long-term damage. (If the ocular muscles tear or if the optic nerve is severed, your outlook won't be as clear.) The treatment for globe luxation is pretty simple: Doctors apply some topical painkillers, hold back your lashes, and poke your eyeball into its socket by pressing on the white part with gloved fingers. (In some cases, they'll use a simple tool like a bent paperclip to shoehorn it back into place.) You might get antibiotics, lubricating drops, or steroids to follow up for a few days while your vision returns to normal. If your doctors can't pop your eye back in—because you've got too much swelling in the socket, for example—they'll give you an eye shield and consider a more invasive procedure.

Not all popped eyeballs come from head trauma. A few people can luxate their globes on purpose, and certain others get "spontaneous globe luxation" when their eyelids are pushed in the right way. Someone with shallow eye sockets or floppy eyelid syndrome, for example, might pop his eyeballs during a regular eye exam. You can also trigger luxation while putting in your contact lenses, or with a particularly violent sneeze. You might even pop your eyeballs by trying to exhale while keeping your nose and mouth closed (i.e., performing the Valsalva maneuver).

If your eyeballs fall out of their sockets repeatedly, you might be a candidate for a lateral tarsorrhaphy—in which doctors sew up your eyelids part of the way to keep them from opening too wide. You could also learn the following technique for popping your eye back in yourself: First direct your gaze downward. Now pinch and pull your upper eyelid with the thumb and index finger of one hand. Lay a finger from your other hand on the top part of your luxated eyeball, taking care to press only on the insensitive white part. While you continue to hold your eyelid up, push your eyeball gently down and back at the same time until it's part of the way in. Then try to look upwards; if everything goes right your eyeball will rotate under the upper lid and back into its socket.

Stephen, try the title "Goldilocks"

2006-03-17T16:57:00.000-08:00

Stephen Spielberg's stylist for the miniseries cast decided to cut an Apache girl's hair without permission. The family is suing for $325,000. Apparently the hair didn't look 'just right'.

The Porsche debutes on this day

2006-03-17T08:39:00.000-08:00

The first car to carry the Porsche family name was introduced at the 19th International Automobile Show in Geneva, Switzerland on this day in 1949.

After serving a two-year prison sentence for his participation as an engineer in Hitler's regime, Ferdinand Porsche and his son Ferry went to work on a car that would carry the Porsche name. The Porsche prototype, named the 356, was a sports-car version of the Volkswagen that Porsche had designed at Hitler's request. Its rounded lines, rear engine, and open two-seater design set the standard for all Porsches to come. The classic design and the incomparable engineering of Porsche cars attracted loyal customers at a record pace.

In 1950, Ferdinand Porsche celebrated his 75th birthday. He had risen to fame as an engineer for Mercedes; he had developed the Volkswagen; and he had finally put his name to his own automobile. One year later, Porsche suffered a stroke from which he would never recover. He died in January of 1952. Ferry Porsche, Ferdinand's son, built the Porsche Company into the empire it is today.

On this day in 1901

2006-03-17T08:18:00.000-08:00

On March 17, 1901, paintings by the late Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh are shown at the Bernheim-Jeune gallery in Paris. The 71 paintings, which captured their subjects in bold brushstrokes and expressive colors, caused a sensation across the art world. Eleven years before, while living in Auvers-sur-Oise outside Paris, van Gogh had committed suicide without any notion that his work was destined to win acclaim beyond his wildest dreams. In his lifetime, he had sold only one painting. One of his paintings--the Yasuda Sunflowers--sold for just under $40 million at a Christie's auction in 1987.

Born in Zundert in the Netherlands in 1853, van Gogh worked as a salesman in an art gallery, a language teacher, a bookseller, and an evangelist among Belgium miners before settling on his true vocation as an artist. What is known as the "productive decade" began in 1880, and for the first few years he confined himself almost entirely to drawings and watercolors while acquiring technical proficiency. He studied drawing at the Brussels Academy and in 1881 went to the Netherlands to work from nature. The most famous work from the Dutch period was the dark and earthy The Potato Eaters (1885), which showed the influence of Jean-Franýois Millet, a French painter famous for his peasant subjects.

In 1886, van Gogh went to live with his brother, Thýo, in Paris. There, van Gogh met the foremost French painters of the postimpressionist period, including Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Paul Gauguin, Camille Pissarro, and Georges Seurat. He was greatly influenced by the theories of these artists and under the advice of Pissarro he adopted the kind of colorful palette for which he is famous. His painting Portrait of Pýre Tanguy (1887) was the first successful work in his new postimpressionist style.

In 1888, van Gogh, mentally exhausted and feeling he was becoming a burden on Thýo, left Paris and took a house at Arles in southeastern France. The next 12 months marked his first great period, and working with great speed and intensity he produced such masterful works as his sunflower series and The Night Cafý (1888). He hoped to form a community of like-minded artists at Arles and was joined by Gauguin for a tense two months that culminated when van Gogh threatened Gauguin with a razor blade and then cut a piece of his own ear off. It was his first bout with mental illness, diagnosed as dementia.

Van Gogh spent two weeks at the Arles Hospital and in April 1889 checked himself into the asylum at Saint-Rýmy-de-Provence. He stayed there for 12 months and continued to work between recurrent attacks. One of the great paintings from this period was the swirling, visionary Starry Night (1889). In May 1890, he left the asylum and visited Thýo in Paris before going to live with Paul-Ferdinand Gachet, a homeopathic doctor and friend of Pissarro, at Auvers-sur-Oise. He worked enthusiastically for several months, but his mental and emotional state soon deteriorated. In late July 1890, feeling that he was a burden on Thýo and others, he shot himself. He died two days later, on July 29, in the arms of his brother.

He had exhibited a few canvases at the Salon des Indýpendants in Paris and in Brussels, and after his death both salons showed small commemorative exhibits of his work. Over the next decade, a handful of other van Gogh exhibits took place, but it was not until the Bernheim-Jeune show in 1901 that he was recognized as a truly important painter. In subsequent decades, his fame grew exponentially, and today his paintings are among the most recognized works of art in the world.

Dutch treat

2006-03-17T06:28:00.000-08:00

A Dutch bank got a bonus on Thursday when police turned up with its stolen Vincent van Gogh painting during an earnings news conference.

"The Pollard Willow" was one of the last works the Dutch painter made in Nuenen in 1885 before leaving the southern region of the Netherlands where he was born.

The still life on a wooden panel, valued at several million euros, was stolen from a meeting room at F. van Lanschot Bankiers' Den Bosch headquarters in May 1999 in a heist police still have yet to solve.

"The most important thing was to get the painting back in a good state," Jac Nouwens, chief investigator for the district police, told reporters.

Two men, aged 25 and 33 were arrested for attempting to sell the painting and are being interrogated, Nouwens said. He declined to give more details of the continuing investigation.

Van Lanschot, which owns some 3,500 works of art, is still looking for a secure place to display the painting.

"For the time being we will definitely keep it in the safe. We need to get used to the idea again that it's back," Van Lanschot Chief Executive Floris Deckers told reporters.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

2006-03-17T06:08:00.000-08:00

Anyone who's set out to find a four-leaf clover knows it's not an easy hunt. With so many also-rans to weed through, wouldn't it help to know the odds of getting lucky? Well, we've got good news and bad news. The good news is we found the answer. The bad news is, once you know it, you might think twice before diving into a field, fingers ready to pluck.

According to several sources, there are approximately 10,000 three-leaf clovers for every four-leafer hiding amid the blades of grass. Those are pretty tough odds, but certainly not impossible -- just ask George Kaminski. He holds the world's record for finding the most four-leaf clovers. As of St. Patrick's Day 2005, the Pennsylvania inmate had gathered 72,927 clovers from the prison yard.

While many like to claim a mythical explanation for the existence of four-leaf clovers, a simple genetic mutation is the real cause. But don't let the science ruin the romance for you. According to legend, on a four-leaf clover, each leaf stands for something. One leaf symbolizes hope, one is for faith, another for love, and the fourth is, of course, for luck.

Sweet Baby Jesus and the orphans

2006-03-16T15:12:00.000-08:00

Quite possibly the best story ever regarding a Nigerian 419 (advance fee) scam. Check out the photos!

Weirdest google hit so far

2006-03-16T14:59:00.000-08:00

Apparently a google search for "flogging aboard 17th century Ships" will bring up this blog.

That somehow reminds me of the greatest episode of Saturday Night Live ever.

A 1978 episode with Eric Idle playing Miles Cowperthwaite aboard the Raging Queen. Not only did you see a bare-chested Dan Akroyd in his glory years; it also featured scenes with scantily-clad Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman.

But the best part is Garrett Morris saying, "Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don't put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish."

Women and traffic tickets

2006-03-16T06:57:00.000-08:00

"Wow, I didn't know the police force had such handsome officers! I'm really sorry, but I was busy adjusting my fishnet stockings. You know these things go all the way up. See? Anywho, I had no idea I was doing 95 in a school zone. I promise not to do it ever again today. Can I go now? Aw, thanks. You're sweet!"

Do women get out of traffic tickets more than men? You betcha.

On this day in 1881

2006-03-16T06:13:00.000-08:00

The first PMS crime is committed.

Francisco "Chico" Forster is shot to death on downtown Los Angeles street by his jilted lover, eighteen-year old Lastania Abarta. The forty-year old Forster was the son of wealthy Los Angeles land developer and considered one of the city's most eligible bachelors despite his reputation for womanizing and poorly treating women.

Abarta worked in her parent's pool hall, where she sang, played the guitar, and met freqent customer Forster. On March 14, she was invited to perform at a party given by Pio Pico, California's last Mexican governor. The former politician had just lost a sizable tract of land near San Diego to Chico Forster's father. During a song, Abarta changed the lyrics to mock Pico and then ran off with Forster to the Moiso Mansion Hotel.

Apparently, the couple made love after Forster promised to marry Abarta. But when Forster disappeared and didn't return with a ring or priest to perform the ceremony, Abarta and her sister Hortensia started to comb the city in search of him. They finally found him at a race track gambling and dragged him to their carriage for a trip to the church.

But Forster got out of the cab on the way, the women closely following behind until Abarta suddenly pulled out a gun and shot him through the eye. Outraged by his son's untimely death, Forster's father hired a special prosecutor to make sure that Abarta was properly punished.

Abarta's lawyers tried a novel defense, they ran with America's 1880s obsession with "female hysteria." Medical theories of the time held that women could be driven crazy because of their reproductive system. Their first step was to introduce in evidence the blood stained sheets from the hotel where Abarta lost her virginity to Forster. The lawyers then trotted out no less than seven medical experts who expounded their hysteria theories. They testified that Abarta was clearly displaying classic "hysterical symptoms" caused "because her brain was undoubtedly congested with blood," when she killed Forster.

However, the most important testimony came from Dr. Joseph Kurtz who received applause from the spectators in the courtroom when he stated that "Any virtuous woman when deprived of her virtue would go mad, undoubtedly." The jury, all men of course, took just twenty minutes to acquit Abarta, who left town and disappeared out of sight

Hollywood is officially out of ideas

2006-03-15T20:43:00.000-08:00

Just what everyone has been screaming for... a movie version of the tv series Dallas.

What haven't they remade yet? I bet within 2 years we'll see:

I Dream of Jeannie (with J.Lo in her career death spiral and Ewan McGregor)
Welcome Back Kotter (starring John Travolta, ironically)
Three's Company (starring Jessica Simpson, Janeane Garofalo and Ben Stiller)

Love at second sight

2006-03-15T18:16:00.001-08:00

by Susan Rabin and Barbara Lagowski

As an author, therapist and flirting expert, let me share this story with you: Tara, 31, was looking for a guy who appreciated art and liked physical activity. And most of all, she was looking for a man she could talk to who would talk back. Not from his vocal chords but from his heart. Esteban, the professor Tara had been set up with by her friend Jen, had none of these qualities. Esteban peered at her and said little. Tara sat quietly, hoping that silence would draw out her reticent date. The date, of course, was their last.

But a week later, Tara was at a street fair when she saw Jen salsa dancing with Esteban! Tara was shocked. Who was this wild-and-crazy guy? And why had Esteban been such a stick-in-the-mud with her? Jen shared: Esteban didn’t like talking about himself, but he was a font of information about history—and a wonderfully enthusiastic dancer. Esteban had come to life at the street fair. He wasn’t just erudite, he was loads of fun. Esteban was just the kind of guy she had told Jen she was seeking. Why hadn’t she seen that when she had a chance?

The myth of love at first sight

Love at first sight is the cosmetically-enhanced superstar in the emotional pantheon. It is showy; explosively, totally overblown; and it gets all the media. Think of the way it is portrayed: Two hapless people are miraculously drawn into each other’s orbits. Their eyes meet. Their hearts open. Bells ring, birds sing. But how many of us are so busy listening for bells that we never hear the quiet “click” that signals deep, lasting affection?

It gives us pause when we hear someone say, “I married my best friend.” Finding both passion and devotion in a single person can seem impossible until we take a closer look at our attitudes. Many of us believe that love “happens,” but friendship develops. That kind of thinking eliminates all of those worthy prospects who capture our hearts day by day.

So your date was not love at first sight. Is he or she worth a second look? Consider these eye-opening romantic strategies.

Don’t be the typecasting type.

“I like tall, slender blonds,” my friend Vicki announced. That’s fine. I have an inclination for classical art—but that doesn’t keep me from appreciating a cubist sculpture.

If you feel that you can discern which partner might be right for you on first glance or from across the room, look at your belief system. Does the physical type you prefer reveal something about the image you want to portray? What physical characteristics denote success to you? Sensitivity? Uber-cool?

Your happiness is at stake here. The choosing of a new friend should at least merit the consideration you would put into selecting new shoes: Style is a factor, but comfort is key. It may take a bit of aimless strolling to know if the fit is right.

Focus on what’s really important.

Some people come to us for a reason; others are important to us for a season. Which type of person is the one you are with? If a fling is in order, throw caution to the wind. But if it’s lasting love you’re looking for, then friendship and communication must develop. Give a new friendship time to take its course.

Set to “defrost.” Wait.

Even in this age, when confession is considered good for the soul, there are still many people who do not spill their guts until they’ve gotten to know you. If he seems reserved, maybe he’s saving himself for someone who’ll put in a little effort. If she is the kind of nut you might like, but a tough one to crack, maybe she’s looking for the right person to open up to. People don’t warm at the same rates. Give your partner a little time to acclimate.

Are you being too picky?

Think of the last 20 men or women you’ve dated. Go through it, checking off the men or women you were attracted to. If you feel attracted to at least half of the men/women you date, you are open to a healthy range of types and personalities. But if you are having a hard time mustering up interest in the people who want to see you, you may have set your sights especially high.

Know the difference between a harmless habit and a deal-breaker.

Something may be bugging you about a recent date, but is it a permanent or passing issue? I can’t tell you how many men and women I know how gave a perfectly nice date the boot because he or she was too chubby, couldn’t dance, didn’t like museums, was a vegetarian, or showed some other characteristic that might evolve. Meanness or intellectual dullness may be a permanent condition, but hair, hips and habits are subject to change. Don’t be quick to say good-bye forever to someone who might mellow over time.

Consider a change of venue.

If he’s a dud over dinner, if she’s a clod on the tennis court, it is possible that these are not the places where he or she can shine! Set up a second date, but allow him or her to choose the location or the activity. Even a jewel loses its luster when it’s not in the right setting.

In recent years, I've been a victim, for lack of a better word, of just about every one one of these examples. Women have bought into the storybook romance, perpetrated on them by Hollywood and Harlequin. If I had a buck for every woman that has told me, in one form or another, that she wants a man to 'sweep her off her feet', I'd be rich enough to buy a Mercedes convertible. In which case, I could chew with my mouth open and they'd still want a second date.

My labor of love

2006-03-15T12:34:00.000-08:00

Think you can do better? Express yourself at www.mrpicassohead.com.

Go ahead, drink bacon grease for breakfast

2006-03-15T12:13:00.000-08:00

Here's a very informative article from LiveScience.com

Two very big and very expensive health studies were published in February to the glee of people everywhere who enjoy drinking bacon grease for breakfast. Maybe you saw the reprints in Cynicism Today. Both studies had a "cheesesteak does your body good" feel to them.

One study found that a low-fat diet didn't reduce the risk of cancer or heart attacks. The other found that taking calcium supplements did more harm than good. This was the kind of back-to-back, one-two punch my hefty coworker had been waiting to deliver to me; and as soon as he caught his breath from the 25-meter walk to my office, boy, did he let me have it.

The low-fat study was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Dr. Michael Thun, director of epidemiological research at the American Cancer Society, called it "the Rolls-Royce of studies." Perhaps he was talking about the sticker price, $415 million, which is astoundingly high for a health study. But lift up the hood on that baby, and you'll see the study as the engine of a Dodge Dart.

The main problem with the low-fat study was that it didn't study a low-fat diet. Oops. A low-fat diet recommends only 20 to 25 grams of fat per day, which would be about 10 to 15 percent of a 2,000-calorie diet. The subjects, all women, couldn't reach the modest study goal of 20 percent. They tried, but they ended up with 24 to 29 percent of their calories from fat. The researchers compared these ladies to a control group at the 35-percent fat level. And they found no difference? Amazing!

This was an eight-year study of women over 50, another gross limitation. Whether or not cancer or heart problems develop during this tiny window after 50 years of undocumented lifestyle is inconsequential. And the study didn't differentiate among fats now known to be healthy, such as those with omega-3 fatty acids, and unhealthy fats, such as the aforementioned bacon grease.

''These studies are revolutionary,'' said Dr. Jules Hirsch of Rockefeller University in a New York Times article. Well, they're revolutionary in the fact that we spent a lot of money and learned nothing about a low-fat diet. You may think a low-fat diet is bunk, and maybe it is, but this study provides no insight.

The calcium study, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, found that popping calcium tablets didn't prevent broken bones but instead led to kidney stones. What the calcium study reveals is that grand American philosophy: If something is good for you, then even more of it must be better.

We see this with megadoses of vitamins, even though an excess of vitamin C can cause health problems. We see this with the recommendation to drink more tea because of antioxidants, with no regard for the fact that tannins in tea interfere with iron absorption.

Of course excess calcium causes kidney stones; kidney stones are made of calcium. The truth about osteoporosis, or weak bones, is that animal protein leaches calcium from bones. Because the American diet is high in animal protein, Americans require two to three times more calcium than other cultures do. The trick is to minimize leaching through exercise and less animal protein, and to start early in life.

Racist Republicans

2006-03-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

For those who missed that one day in high school history class when they discussed segregation and Jim Crow, Larry Elder explains everything you need to know about the connection between racism and Republicans in America in his book, The Ten Things You Can't Say In America.

Georgia governor Lester Maddox famously brandished ax handles to prevent blacks from patronizing his restaurant. He was a Democrat.

Alabama governor George Wallace stood in front of the Alabama schoolhouse in 1963 and thundered, "Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever." He was a Democrat.

Birmingham Public Safety commissioner Eugene "Bull" Connor sicced dogs and turned fire hoses on black civil rights demonstrators. He was a Democrat."

In 1954, Orville Faubus tried to prevent the desegregation of a Little Rock public high school. He was a Democrat.

President Eisenhower, a Republican, sent in federal troops to prevent violence and enforce a court order desegregating the school. As a percentage of their respective parties, more Republicans voted for the passage of the Civil Rights Art of 1964 than did Democrats. A Republican President, Richard Nixon, not John F. Kennedy or Lyndon B. Johnson, instituted the first affirmative action program with goals and timetables.

But don't take Elder's word for it, kids. You know how to google.

Scumbag gets out of jail, is arrested within minutes

2006-03-14T13:29:00.000-08:00

A scumbag who stole an off-duty Orange County deputy's car with her 4-year son inside had just been released from jail on similar carjacking charges minutes before the crime,

Investigators said Deputy Tonjali Frost, 37, her bail-bondsman husband and her son were at a gas station across the street from the Orange County Jail Monday night putting gas in both of their cars.

Police said when Frost's husband went into the station to pay for gas, Jerome Nez jumped into the couple's white Jeep sport utility vehicle and drove off with the family's 4-year-old still in the vehicle.

The child somehow managed to exit the vehicle by either jumping or being pushed out near the gas station. When the child was out of vehicle, Frost and her husband opened fire at the fleeing SUV. Blocks away, Ex-con Scumbag crashed into another vehicle and was taken into custody after a search of a nearby subdivison.

Nez is charged with grand theft auto and burglary in connection with the incident. "After being released from jail, Nez may not have had a ride home so investigators said he simply carjacked the deputy's vehicle," Mike DeForest said.

After an investigation, detectives learned that just weeks ago, Nez was accused of carjacking a man outside a Mobil gas station near Apopka, Fla.

How to keep your wife happy

2006-03-14T13:07:00.001-08:00

The key ingredient to a woman's marital bliss is her husband's emotional commitment, suggests a new study based on a survey of 5,000 couples across the country.

The finding is in contrast to previous research that focused on a husband's salary and division of household work as the main drivers of a woman's perception of a happy marriage.

Even so, the new research determined that women whose husbands bring home more than 68 percent of the bacon are the most content.

"Regardless of what married women say they believe about gender, they tend to have happier marriages when their husband is a good provider — provided that he is also emotionally engaged," said W. Bradford Wilcox, a University of Virginia sociologist. "I was very surprised to find that even egalitarian-minded women are happier when their marriages are organized along more gendered lines."

Fairness is also considered an important element.

Women who perceive that housework is shared in a fair manner consider themselves happier partners. Fair in this case does not necessarily mean splitting housework evenly—most of the women in this happier category perform the majority of household chores themselves. But because they believe that their husbands are playing an important role as providers, they view the unequal work split as fair.

"Wives are surely sensitive to imbalances in routine tasks and efforts, as almost all research shows. However, we find that they are more concerned with their husband's investments in the emotional content of the marriage," said study team member Steven Nock, a professor of sociology at University of Virginia. "We interpret our results to suggest that partners need to pay more attention to how their partners feel about their relationship and about marriage generally because equality does not necessarily produce equity."

So all a woman really wants is a man who earns more money than she can spend, while listening to her complain about all the housework she has to do.