President Bush orders loyalty checks

Today, President Bush had an unexpected press conference in which he announced an executive order requiring all federal employees to submit to 'loyalty checks'. Fearing that employees who are sympathetic to foreign governments are in sensitive positions within the government, Bush plans to investigate the background and 'loyalties' of every federal employee, saying that he expects "complete and unswerving loyalty" to the United States. Anything less, he declared, "constitutes a threat to our democratic processes."

Loyalty boards will be set up in every department and agency of the federal government. Using lists of "totalitarian, fascist, communist, or subversive" organizations provided by the attorney general, and relying on investigations by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, these boards will review every employee. If there exists "reasonable grounds" to doubt an employee's loyalty, he or she will be dismissed. A Loyalty Review Board will be set up under the Civil Service Commission to deal with employees' appeals.

For all you liberals out there who are now screaming "that neofacist Chimpy McBush can't do that!", I'll let you in on a little secret. He isn't really planning to. That was already done once, by the Democrat, Harry S. Truman. Instituted on this date in 1947.