Bad joke twofer

To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells her it'll make her fat. “I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter.
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. “If I bite my fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?"

“You'll be fatter than that," says her mother.

They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, “Excuse me, but do you know me?"

And the little girl says, “No, but I know what you've been doing..."


A Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 rubles. "No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 rubles?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills are worth it, it's my wife is not worth it."

The mystery behind Google technology revealed!

I'll give you a hint... it's not an infinite number of monkeys.

Bad joke du jour

An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The man admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Corporation makes $32 million tax error

The company? H&R Block. Oops!

Guns and feminists

Mike Adams takes on the feminazis once again. You'd think I'd get tired of the subject, but Mike handles it so well that it's always a pleasure to read. I particularly liked this tidbit...

"...how can you be disturbed by my hobby of collecting guns? All of my guns are prettier than the average feminist and most are not as loud."

Government Grocers

Neal Boortz puts it in the simplest terms.

Imagine government grocery stores. Groceries are essential, aren't they? Come on, you have to eat! So let's say that about 100 years ago someone came up with the brilliant idea of establishing a system of government-run grocery stores. To make sure that every American got enough to eat, local governments created a nutrition tax. All property owners had to pay a nutrition tax every year amounting to thousands of dollars. Under this great government plan you are assigned to a grocery store when you move into a neighborhood. Every year the local government creates a credit for you at this grocery store; an account in your name. When you want to buy groceries you have to go to this store and no other. Would your assigned grocery store feel any pressure to make sure that you get the best quality foods? Would this grocery store work hard to determine what its customers want? Would you be assured of the latest technology and products? The answer to all of these questions is, of course, no! Why would they? What do they have to fear? Competition? There IS no competition! The citizen's money is taken away from him by force and put into an account at one particular grocery store, and no other store. If you want to go to a private, non-government-operated grocery store you are going to have to dig into your own pockets and spend even more money! You're trapped, and the grocery store managers and employees know it. There is no real need to deliver a quality shopping experience or the best products. Instead of focusing on their customers these managers and employees focus on getting even more money and benefits from the government.

Oh .. and government grocery store clerks would be focusing on one more thing ... preventing competition. Every once in a while someone is going to step forward with a rather radical idea. Someone is going to suggest that people be given vouchers equal to the amount they pay in grocery taxes so that they, like their rich neighbors, can go shop at those private grocery stores where fresher food and a wider variety of products are available! As soon as this suggestion is made the managers and employees of the government grocery stores are going to erupt into howls of anguish. They will say that this is all a plot to destroy public grocery stores. They will wail that groceries are a necessity and that there should not be any competition in the selling of those groceries. They will watch every politician like a hawk, making sure that none of them even utter so much as a hint that they might be willing to consider the idea of grocery vouchers, and they'll build a government employee union that is so strong and so far-reaching that only the boldest of politicians would dare to cross that line.

Of course you realize he's actually talking about government schools, don't you?

Happy Birthday, Senator

Ted Kennedy turns 74 today. Mary Jo Kopechne does not.

What happens during LASIK surgery

Isn't it funny how you'll go months or years without thinking about something, and then suddenly it seems to pop up everywhere? A few days ago I wrote a piece about LASIK surgery, just on a whim. Now it seems that I'm seeing ads for the procedure everywhere.

But the most bizarre coincidence was reading a story posted by Michael at Cooking For Engineers about having the procedure recently performed on his eyes. If you've ever wondered what happens, he explains it very well, and takes away most of my apprehension about having it done.

Guess I'm not the only one

Turn your sound on.

Here's your chance to beat the Russkies

Rcade Air Hockey online. Very cool!

On this day in 1980

The American Olympic hockey team performs the 'impossible' by beating the 4-time Olympic champion Soviets!

In one of the most dramatic upsets in Olympic history, the underdog U.S. hockey team, made up of college players, defeats the four-time defending gold-medal winning Soviet team at the XIII Olympic Winter Games in Lake Placid, New York. The Soviet squad, previously regarded as the finest in the world, fell to the youthful American team 4-3 before a frenzied crowd of 10,000 spectators. Two days later, the Americans defeated Finland 4-2 to clinch the hockey gold.

Read all about it here.

How to get disqualified without even trying

Zip your top up properly, leave the wig and false mustache in your chalet and, whatever you do, do not sip the wrong kind of cola.

Doping aside, there are plenty of weird and wonderful ways to get yourself disqualified from the Winter Olympics and at times the rules and regulations governing each sport read like a pedants' manifesto.

In ski jumping, for example, a competitor who fails to zip his suit up to the very top risks more than catching a cold.

Presumably to prevent somebody wearing a Michelin Man-style inflatable outfit for extra air buoyancy, the rules state that competitors' suits must cling closely to the body.

The "anterior crotch length" is especially tightly policed with a modest four centimetres the maximum leeway allowed.

Thursday, during the Nordic combined event, the Finnish team protested that one of the German jumpers, Bjoern Kircheisen, had breached the rules governing the air permeability of his suit because it was slightly unzipped at the neck. The appeal was unanimously rejected by the jury.

In the same event, one of the rules stipulates that a competitor will be penalized if he takes his skis to any official ceremonies. Furthermore, as Japan's Masahiko Harada found out in Normal Hill qualifying, a jumper is disqualified if his skis are longer than his height, multiplied by 1.46.

In the exhausting sport of cross-country skiing, a competitor is disqualified if, in a fit of masochism, he skies more than one leg of the course in a relay or, even more mysteriously, if he takes part in the competition "under false pretences."

The latter charge could arguably have been applied to Costa Rican Arturo Kinch. The mustachioed 49-year-old brought an air of slapstick to Friday's 10-km classical race when he stumbled and almost fell in the first few strides en route to 96th place.

The false pretences rule also covers Alpine skiing where, as in ski jumping, having the wrong-sized skis is another cause for disqualification. That was the fate suffered by Briton Chemmy Alcott in the women's combined event Friday. Her skis were found to be a miniscule 0.2mm too narrow.

A freestyle skier can be disqualified for doing a trick they are not qualified to try or for attempting a trick which is more difficult than those they performed in training. Rule-makers have so far resisted the urge to dock them points for appalling choice of music to accompany their run.

Sponsorship enforcement is also a deadly serious matter at all Olympic venues. Woe betide a competitor or spectator who sports or consumes a product that is not made by one of the companies on the list of official sponsors.

In the spectator's case they will have the offending bottle of cola removed from their possession while the athlete cannot display any form of advertising at venues, where even the official sponsors' products are kept hidden. Offending logos get covered up with duct tape.

The wrong kind of spoken word can also be costly.

At the biathlon Tuesday, American Jay Hakkinen risked being disqualified following claims that he used inappropriate language after missing all five shots at the target in the 10-km sprint.

Asked if Hakkinen had sworn audibly, U.S. coach James Upham ducked. "I don't know. I didn't ask and he didn't say anything."

Lasik surgery.. two eyes for only $49!

Before any of my thousands hundreds dozens three readers email me asking where you, too, can get your eyes mutilated for such a modest fee, I have to admit that the best deal I've actually seen (if you'll pardon the pun) is $299 per eye.

The price I quoted was listed in one of the ever present online banner ads that appear everywhere (but not on my blog, thankyouverymuch). And yet, I have to wonder who would respond to an ad like that in the first place. It reminds me of a story told of John Glenn, the first American to go into orbit. A questioner asked him what went through his mind while he was crouched in the rocket nose-cone, awaiting blastoff. He wryly replied "I was thinking that the rocket had twenty thousand components, and each was made by the lowest bidder." I personally wouldn't trust my eyes to a doctor who needs to undercut the competition in order to get by.

But I would also want to explain that I am not now, nor ever have been looking for deals on corrective vision surgery. I started wearing contacts many years ago in college, and my optometrist, a very eccentric semi-retired gentleman, set me up with extended wear contacts. He insisted that I could train my eyes to tolerate them for weeks of continuous use, which I did. For the past 8 or more years, I've been wearing AcuVue disposable contacts, which are intended to be used for 1 to 2 weeks, worn during waking hours and removed at night. But, like my previous extended wear lenses, I have no trouble wearing them 24/7 for weeks at a time. In fact, the pair I'm currently using have been in my eyes since the holiday season... about 7 weeks straight.

As it is, I can now buy a 6-pack of disposable contacts for each eye at a total cost of about $40. That pack will last about a year. And honestly, I'd pay a lot more than $40 a year to avoid having someone deliberately use a laser on my corneas. Compare that to the current bargain rate of $600 for lasik surgery on both eyes, and it would take 15 years for the cost of the surgery to be even with what I'm paying for contacts.

Most people are shocked when I mention my philsophy regarding contacts, and assume that I'm gradually destroying my eyes. Ironically, the opposite is true. During my last eye exam, the optometrist mentioned that my vision had improved... a rarity for someone quickly approaching his 40th birthday. He asked if I wore my contacts for long periods of time, and I mentioned that I frequently left them in for days on end; understating my normal usage, if only to avoid a lecture. He nodded his head and said he figured that was the case. Apparently it's not unheard of for contact lens users with habits similar to mine to have improvements in their vision.

My vision is currently 20/10 with my contacts. With no change during the evening. My night vision has never been better in my life. And I have a wacky old eye doctor to thank. And come to think of it, I went to see him because he had an ad in the local newspaper promising extended wear contacts for only $99 a pair... an unheard of price at the time.

All your ports are belong to us

The brilliant and gorgeous, but unfortunately taken, Michelle Malkin covers a very important, but not terribly exciting, story (after all, no one has gotten shot in the face with a shotgun.. yet) about certain east coast ports being managed by arab companies. The idea that national security is being overseen by foreign agencies makes about as much sense as.. oh, Jimmy Carter ever being president. Fortunately, it's not too late to stop the Port Authority.

The Quail Hunting Incident Is Symbolic of Everything That's Right with the Bush Administration

As soon as I heard that Cheney shot a man in the face, my immediate reaction was, "This is why I voted for Bush." I've had my doubts about President Bush at times, but, as this incident unfolded, it's reminded me of everything that's great about his administration.

"You can sum up the Bush Administration as one big hunting accident, and that's why I love them."

First off, this incident involves guns. Gun rights are important to this nation, and even Democrats pay lip service to gun owners by saying they support hunting. Cheney didn't just support hunting, though, but also demonstrated the most important purpose of guns - shooting people. The Bush Administration doesn't just support guns for sport, they support gun use for self-defense.

One of the worst things about the Democrats is how they are beholden to trial lawyers - a scourge to our country with their constant lawsuits trying to ruin people and drive companies out of business. The Bush Administration, on the other hand, will shoot lawyers in the face - WITH A SHOTGUN! - even if they're supporters. Now that is the action of people not ruled by special interests.

Also, look who did the shooting. It was Dick Cheney, a seasoned hunter. President George W. Bush has surrounded himself with many people good at what they do, so, instead of Bush wasting time shooting quails and lawyers himself, he left that to who knew it best. It was also left up to him whether to notify the Washington press corps, and he wisely chose not to since those people are dumb and all information is wasted on them.

Some may say that how the quail got away while the innocent lawyer (or, as innocent as lawyers get) took the blast in the face is symbolic of how Osama got away while we accidentally bombed that orphanage full of puppies, but, to me, it reminds me of how the Bush administration is determined to at least try and get the terrorists (quails) even in detriment to their own friends (specifically, Whittington).

Finally, there's how Cheney didn't pay for that seven dollar hunting stamp, which is another example of the Bush Administration's contempt for excessive taxes. Yes, Cheney did eventually make out a check for seven dollars, but I hear he wrote "I hope you choke on this!" on the memo line.

So, all in all, I guess you can sum up the Bush Administration as one big hunting accident, and that's why I love them.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is a frequent contributor to IMAOPodcast.com. He is also the author of such books as "Not in the Face! - A Day with Dick Cheney" and "Extermination at All Costs: The Case Against Quails".

Used without permission from IMAO

A bad day

On this day in...

1965, Malcolm X was assassinated

1848, Karl Marx publishes his Communist Manifesto.. also, John Quincy Adams suffers a stroke

1927, Erma Bombeck is born

1944, Tojo declares himself "military czar" of Japan

but the worst event on this day in history happened in 1948. That was the day NASCAR Inc. was officially incorporated.

Six days after its first race was held, NASCAR was officially incorporated as the National Association for Stock Car Racing, with race promoter Bill France as president. From the beginning, stock car racing had a widespread appeal with its fan base. As the legend goes, the sport evolved from Southern liquor smugglers who souped up their pre-war Fords to outrun the police. NASCAR brought the sport organization and legitimacy. It was Bill France who realized that product identification would increase enthusiasm for the sport. He wanted the fans to see the cars they drove to the track win the races on the track. By 1949, all the postwar car models had been released, so NASCAR held a 150-mile race at the Charlotte Speedway to introduce its Grand National Division. The race was restricted to late-model strictly stock automobiles. NASCAR held nine Grand National events that year. By the end of the year, it was apparent that the strictly stock cars could not withstand the pounding of the Grand Nationals, so NASCAR drafted rules to govern the changes drivers could make to their cars. Modified stock car racing was born. Starting in 1953, the major auto makers invested heavily in stock car racing teams, believing that good results on the track would translate into better sales in the showroom. In 1957, rising production costs and tightened NASCAR rules forced the factories out of the sport. Today NASCAR racing is the fastest growing spectator sport in America.

Newsflash: McDonald's food might notbe the healthiest on the planet!

McDonald's Corp. faces at least three lawsuits claiming the fast-food giant misled the public after it acknowledged earlier this week its French fries contain milk and wheat ingredients, the Wall Street Journal Online reported on Sunday.

The suits were filed by people with celiac disease, who have an intolerance to a protein found in wheat, the Journal said.

McDonald's, based in Oak Brook, Illinois, had previously described the flavoring as safe for people with food allergies and other dietary sensitivities, the Journal said.

So, you have people who can't tolerate one of the most basic food groups, but they go eat at McDonalds? That makes as much sense as people who can't tolerate body odor going to a Grateful Dead show and complaining about the smell.

Indonesian muslims attempt/fail to storm US embassy

Back in the day, during the Cold War, we used to use the term "Crazy Ivan" to describe unfriendly, and often irrational enemies of the United States. Perhaps it's time we came up with a new term.

How about Silly Muslim? Get it? Cartoon.. Silly.. ah, nevermind.

That's not funny

Muslim cleric offers $1 million for assassination of cartoonist. The Religion of Peace strikes again.

Oh, but we must be tolerant of them!

On this day in 1972

The 15,007,034th Volkswagen Beetle rolled out of the Volkswagen factory in Wolfsburg, Germany, surpassing the Ford Model T's previous production record to become the most heavily produced car in history.

The Beetle, or the "Strength Through Joy" car, as the Germans initially called it, was the brainchild of Ferdinand Porsche. He developed the Volkswagen on orders from the German government to produce an affordable car for the people.

Developed before World War II, the Beetle did not go into full-scale production until after the war. It became a counter-culture icon in the U.S. during the 1960s largely because it offered an alternative to the extravagant American cars of the time.

I personally learned to drive a manual-shift transmission in a 1974 Sun Bug, a special edition Beetle. With a massive 96.66 cubic inch engine cranking out an impressive 46 hp, my german muscle car was eager to take on Geo Metros and Yugos at every stoplight. Ok, maybe it wasn't the most powerful or quickest car on the road. And it lacked a few luxuries such as heat in the winter. I clearly remember driving on snowy roads with left hand on the steering wheel while I used my right hand to scrape the frost off the INSIDE of the windshield. And it might not have been the most reliable car, as I had to learn to pop-start the car by myself on a regular basis. A feat made simpler once you remember to park with the car on a hill. But my friends will always speak warmly of our high school nights spent cruising for chicks in the Bug. The sunroof wide open and the beautiful sewing machine sound emanating from the rear end.

Baby on board!

The crew of a Russian airplane had to act as midwives Thursday when a passenger suddenly went into labor, the Interfax news agency reported.

The Yakutia airlines jet was three hours into a flight from Moscow to the eastern Siberian city of Yakutsk when a 24-year-old woman complained of abdominal pains, an airline official said.

A physician among the passengers examined the woman and concluded that she was in premature labor. Following his advice, the pilot decided to land the plane at the nearest town, Mirny.

But the labor progressed quickly, and flight attendants were called to assist the woman. Thirty minutes before landing, a newborn girl passenger appeared on board the plane.

I just wonder if the mother was charged for an extra ticket or if the baby was considered a "carry-on".

Hillary Clinton, the expert on 'Forthcoming'

Neal Boortz talks about Hillary's latest criticism of the White House.

"I stood slack-jawed yesterday when the Media Darling, Hillary Clinton, positioned herself in front of the cameras to announce to her anxiously waiting myrmidons that this White House just isn't forthcoming on the Cheney incident and other issues of importance to the American public. OK, Let's see. We have the Vince Foster episode. Hillary's own aides were in Vince Foster's office going through his files immediately after Foster's body was found. Those files were delivered to Hillary. They've never been seen since. How's that for being forthcoming? And then we have that matter of the Rose Law Firm billing records. The Congress subpoenaed them from Hillary. She claimed she didn't have them. She said they probably have been destroyed. Then, after two years of dodging this legal subpoena, they're found in Hillary's private office in the living quarters of the White House. They're found with her handwriting and her fingerprints all over them. Hillary dodges a subpoena for two years, and then she stands before the American public to bitch because the Bush White House hasn't been "forthcoming." Amazing. We can only hope that the majority of Americans, and a good number of American women, can see through this phony and dangerous politician's lies and distortions."

Canucks Consider Commemorating Cowards

I'm sure you heard the one about Chrysler dedicating a new car to Bill Clinton. They're calling it the Draft Dodger.

The crazy Canucks took it seriously, and are trying to commission a statue to commemorate the estimated 125,000 draft-dodging losers who fled to Canada in the 1970s.

Maybe if they're successful, they can get Al Gore to speak at the dedication ceremony. He seems to enjoy being an apologist on foreign soil these days.

The Spring Movie Lineup

Which do you want first... the good news or the bad?

Well, the good news is that Jay over at Cracked.com has checked out all the spring blockbusters, so you don't have to.

The bad news is that they all suck.

While you do want to miss the movies, you won't want to miss his comments.

Warning: Contains language that may not be suitable for idiots.

On this day in 1970

'Chicago Eight' Defense Attorneys Found Guilty of Contempt of Court

As the jury continues to deliberate in the trial of the Chicago Eight, defense attorneys William Kunstler and Leonard Weinglass and three of the defendants are sentenced to prison for contempt of court.

The trial for eight antiwar activists charged with the responsibility for the violent demonstrations at the August 1968 Democratic National Convention took place in Chicago. The defendants included David Dellinger of the National Mobilization Committee (NMC); Rennie Davis and Thomas Hayden of the Students for a Democratic Society (SDS); Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin, founders of the Youth International Party ("Yippies"); Bobby Seale of the Black Panthers; and two lesser known activists, Lee Weiner and John Froines.

They were charged with conspiracy to cross state lines with intent to incite a riot. Attorneys William Kunstler and Leonard Weinglass represented all but Seale. The trial, presided over by Judge Julius Hoffman, turned into a circus as the defendants and their attorneys used the court as a platform to attack Nixon, the war, racism, and oppression. Their tactics were so disruptive that at one point, Judge Hoffman ordered Seale gagged and strapped to his chair--Seale's disruptive behavior eventually caused the judge to try him separately.

By the time the trial ended in February 1970, Judge Hoffman had found all the defendants and their attorneys guilty of 175 counts of contempt of court and sentenced them to terms between two to four years. Although declaring the defendants not guilty of conspiracy, the jury found all but Froines and Weiner guilty of intent to riot. The others were each sentenced to five years and fined $5,000. None served time because a 1972 Court of Appeals decision overturned the criminal convictions; eventually, most of the contempt charges were also dropped.

Oddly enough, I see a few similarities in the Saddam Hussein trial.

Bad joke du jour

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Why men vote Republican

And happy valentines day to you, you infidel pig bastard!

From Michelle Malkin's website, the muslims don't seem to be getting into the spirit of Valentines Day.

"An activist of the radical Kashmiri Islamic group, Dukhtaran-e-Millat, or daughters of the community, burns a Valentine card outside a card store in central Srinagar, India, Friday, Feb. 10, 2006. Nearly two dozen black-veiled Muslim women burned Valentine's Day cards and posters showing couples together in the main city of India's Kashmir protesting the day that they say imposes Western values on Muslim youth."

Happy Valentines Day

Go Palestine!

Congratulations to Palestinian Winter Olympic athletes Muhammed Ali Babba and Unidentified Female Consort # 7 for ranking third in pairs skating after the short program. It is currently undecided whether the Palestinian Olympic Committee will have Female Consort # 7 ritually stoned to death prior to or after the long program for showing her ankles. Nonetheless, go Palestine, and death to the Great Satan!

(Used without permission from IMAO)

Greek farmer finds massive tomb in his field

Archaeologists have unearthed a massive tomb in the northern Greek town of Pella, capital of the ancient kingdom of Macedonia and birthplace of Alexander the Great.

The eight-chambered tomb dates to the Hellenistic Age between the fourth and second century B.C., and is the largest of its kind ever found in Greece. The biggest multichambered tombs until now contained three chambers.

The 678-square-foot tomb hewn out of rock was discovered by a farmer plowing his field on the eastern edge of the ancient cemetery of Pella, some 370 miles north of Athens, archaeologists said.

“This is the largest and most monumental tomb of its kind ever found in Greece,'' said Maria Akamati, who led the excavations.

Archaeologists believe the tomb -- filled with dozens of votive clay pots and idols, copper coins and jewelry -- will shed light on the culture of Macedonia in the period that followed Alexander's conquest of Asia.

Alexander's empire, which stretched from Greece to Asia, broke into separate kingdoms upon his death in 323 B.C., as his generals battled over the remains of the ancient world's greatest empire.

Similar tombs from the same era have been discovered on Crete, Cyprus and Egypt, which was ruled by a Greek dynasty founded by Ptolemy, Alexander's general.

The tomb's size suggests it belonged to a a wealthy Macedonian family, Akamati said.

The tomb, believed to have been used for two centuries, was probably plundered in antiquity as most of the artifacts were strewn by the entrance to the chambers, Akamati said.

The complex is dominated by a central area surrounded by eight chambers colored in red, blue and gold dyes. Three inscribed stone slabs inside bear the names of their female owners -- Antigona, Kleoniki and Nikosrati. A relief on one of the slabs depicts a women and her servant.

The discovery was confirmed on Friday by a senior archaeologist responsible for the Pella site and will be presented at an Archaeological Conference in Thessaloniki that begins Thursday.

The GOP wants to know what you think

If you have any opinion about what the Republican Party is doing right, or wrong... here's the place to let them know.

Merriam Webster, page 540

If you ever want to use up more of your brain capacity on useless information, rather than doing something silly like reading a newspaper, just open a dictionary to any page. For example...

peduncle - a narrow supporting stalk

peignoir - a garment worn while combing the hair

pelage - the hairy covering of a mammal

pemmican - dried meat pounded fine and mixed with melted fat

peneplain - a large almost flat land surface shaped by erosion

pennon - a large narrow ribbonlike flag borne on a lance

A special prize goes to the first person to use all words in one sentence.

The Abramoff Scandal: Three-way tie of losers

Eric, over at Viking Pundit comments on the update to the Abramoff Scandal.

The latest news is that Senate Democrat Leader Harry Reid is also tightly connected to Abramoff. Imagine that. You mean it's not just the Republicans who did favors for their financial supporters? The next thing you know, we'll find out that the earth is round.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the average guy on the street is fully aware that politicians from every party are a little extra nice to the interests represented by lobbyists. Take my own esteemed *cough* governor, 'Diamond' Jim Doyle, for example. Okay, maybe he's an extreme case. Not every politician is as arrogant and self-serving as he is. But it's well known that national-level politicians know which side of their bread is buttered, and they rarely, if ever, bite the hand that feeds them. I could go on about them not looking gift horses in the mouth, but I think I've already mixed enough metaphors.

But here's where the media plays along. Like the politicians themselves, they have their agenda, as well. The story begins that the Republicans are on the take. Those evil bastards! This has to be the "most corrupt administration" in history! The Democrats milk the news, and subsequent publicity, for all its worth.

But slowly (a bit too slowly, in fact) more information comes in. After weeks of accusing the Republicans of being on the take, the public starts to get tired of the story. After all, Michael Jackson and O.J. Simpson aren't involved. It's just another story about politicians and money. After all the immediate sensation has died down, Joe Average tunes out and changes the channel. That's when some additional information comes out.

Buried on page 7, you'll see the part about the Democrats being equally entangled in the money. Sure, they're involved, too. But it's old news by then. And the story becomes a 'he said, she said' argument. Nothing to see here. Move along.

This is clearly not a case where the media is trying to enact a change and clean up politics in general. If the media actually cared about the situation, they would release all the facts at once. As this is a situation where all the information is a matter of public record, it was certainly known weeks ago that the Democrats were involved as much as the Republicans. Instead, the politicians have been able, once again, to point fingers and make blustery statements all for the sake of their public image. It wouldn't surprise me if Harry Reid and Bill Frist met in a private lounge in Virginia and laughed about it the following weekend.

When the media confronts both parties at once regarding the obvious and detrimental influence of special interest money, I'll start to take the media seriously. And I suspect the media will respond to my criticism as quickly as the politicians do.

Bush’s Approval Rating Hits 82 Percent

One White House resident is enjoying remarkable and consistently high job approval ratings. First Lady Laura Bush, according to a recent poll, remains one of the most popular first ladies in U.S. history, and now she has the numbers to prove it.

A January 20-22 poll by CNN/USA TODAY/Gallup, reveals Laura Bush’s 82 percent approval rating is among the most positive ratings ever recorded for a first lady.

And her numbers are consistent. The present rating is down three percentage points from the 85 percent rating she received in a 2004 poll, which was up from a solid 74 percent in 2003, the first time she was rated.

Past Gallup polls reveal that most Americans traditionally give higher marks to first ladies than they do to their commander in chief husbands, likely because the president’s role is more political, while the first lady’s is largely ceremonial and supportive.

By comparison, Laura Bush’s predecessor, Hillary Clinton, averaged a 64 percent approval rating during her tenure as first lady, regardless of whether her husband, Bill Clinton, was being lauded or impeached. Hillary Clinton is generally seen as a politically polarizing figure, whereas Laura Bush is popular regardless of politics.

I suppose the difference is that Laura is a lady.

Remember that economic boom in 1994?

Funny how times don't change, but headlines do. I remember the headlines in all the newspapers shortly after Clinton took office. The country was suddenly experiencing an economic revival, oddly right about the same time the Republicans took over Congress, but Clinton got all the press. The media were quick to point out that unemployment was only 6.5 percent, and GDP was climbing just above 3 percent in 1994. We were entering the age of the 'new economy', which was predicted to be self-sustaining... impervious to the cycles of bull and bear markets of yesteryear.

Clinton, along with Alan Greenspan, said "Full steam ahead!" and drove the economy, by way of interest rates, nearly off a cliff. By no small coincidence, Clinton handed the steering wheel to Bush immediately after yanking on the emergency brake. The economy has careened and shuddered. But now that the smoke has cleared, it's becoming clear that we will survive. However, the media are eagerly kicking through the debris, hoping to find bodies.

The current economic indicators point to an unemployment rate of 5.6 percent. GDP grew 3.9 percent in the first quarter of 2004. It has since been revised to a very surprising 4.3 percent. If this were 10 years ago, the media would be jumping up and down screaming "champagne for everyone!" But we have a Republican in the White House. Because of that, the headlines ignore the economic figures and emphasize how some people might not lose their overpriced houses to foreclosure.

It's not surprising that consumers are reluctant to "Spend! Spend! Spend!" as they did during the Clinton administration. The media keeps telling them that they're going to be unemployed, or at least underemployed, until another Democrat sneaks into the White House (as Clinton did in 1992 with 43 percent of the popular vote).

The problem is that consumers still trust the mainstream media and it becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy. It's time for that to change, don't you think?

The beginning of the Salem Witch Trials

On this day in 1692, several young Salem, Massachussetts girls are declared to be under the spell of a witch.

Sometime during February of the exceptionally cold winter of 1692, ten year old Betty Parris became strangely ill. She dashed about, dove under furniture, contorted in pain, and complained of fever. Talk of witchcraft increased when other playmates of Betty, including eleven-year-old Ann Putnam, seventeen-year-old Mercy Lewis, and Mary Walcott, began to exhibit similar unusual behavior. When his own nostrums failed to effect a cure, William Griggs, a doctor called to examine the girls, suggested that the girls' problems might have a supernatural origin.

Meanwhile, the number of girls afflicted continued to grow, rising to seven with the addition of Ann Putnam, Elizabeth Hubbard, Susannah Sheldon, and Mary Warren. According to historian Peter Hoffer, the girls "turned themselves from a circle of friends into a gang of juvenile delinquents." The teenage girls used their new-found fame as a means to enact revenge on any person they disliked.

On February 29, warrants were issued for the arrests of three other women. Witchcraft had been a common law crime in England since 1542, but was codified in statute form in 1604. Soon enough, the entire town of Salem was caught up in the witch hysteria. Any pre-existing fears and grudges were now played out through accusations. By the end of the spring, the Salem jails were full of alleged witches. More than half were recent immigrants from England who were not well liked by the town's natives.

The witch trials began in the summer of 1692. First up were Sarah Good, Rebecca Nurse, Susannah Martin, Elizabeth Howe, and Sarah Wildes. All were convicted and sent to Gallows Hill to be hanged on July 19. As they stood on the scaffold, most prayed to God to forgive the people who had accused them. However, one magnanimous woman told her accuser, "You are a liar. I am no more a witch than you are a wizard, and if you take away my life, God will give you blood to drink." Reportedly, the man to whom this was directed, Nicholas Noyes, died years later, bleeding from the mouth. John and Elizabeth Proctor were the two most prominent people in town to be accused. In the end, John was also hanged to death but Elizabeth escaped due to her pregnancy.

At one point, Ann Putnam and Abby Williams travelled from town to town, where they 'outed' other witches, most of which were total strangers.

Drunk on power, the girls went so far as to accuse the governor's wife of being a witch. This brought about a very quick ending to the 'witch epidemic'. Within days, all the clerics and politicians who had silently endured, or even encouraged, the witch trials, changed their stance and declared the trials a travesty. Governor Phipps dissolved the court in charge of the witch prosecution and no more 'witches' were convicted. Eventually everyone convicted was pardoned by the Governor. However, much damage had already been inflicted upon the people in Salem.

By the time the hysteria had spent itself, 24 people had died. Nineteen were hanged, and the rest died in prison, with the exception of an 80-year old man who was slowly crushed under heavy stones as a form of 'interrogation' since he refused to participate in his trial. Over 150 people (including a 4 year old child) were imprisoned during the 6 months that the girls wreaked havoc.

Wal-Mart to open 1500 new stores

And nary a one in Maryland, I'm guessing.

Aphrodisiac soda for teenagers.. like this is necessary?

Not to be outdone by a competing market segment, a new soda promising to sexually arouse the person drinking it will soon be available in stores nationwide.

Unlike alcohol, which is readily available and produces similar arousing effects, the drink, called Turn On, is made with guarana, ginseng and caffeine.

The soda was banned in France and Denmark, but makers insist it is safe and works as an aphrodisiac.

People who have tested the soda said it tastes like cherry soda. "We watched a film and then afterwards I felt like my senses were more like turned on, like I could feel more, I felt more on my skin," an eloquent tester said.

Doctors have already warned that the drink is not for everyone. Children, pregnant women and people with high blood pressure and diabetes should avoid the drink, according to the report.

A warning label on the can claims, "This beverage will arouse you." Turn On is sold online for $3.50 a can and will soon be available in stores, the report said.

Expect huge sales among teenagers and little in the 21 and above demographics.

Blockbuster Global Warming inspires sequel: Global Cooling

A Russian astronomer has predicted that Earth will experience a "mini Ice Age" in the middle of this century, caused by low solar activity.

Khabibullo Abdusamatov of the Pulkovo Astronomic Observatory in St. Petersburg said Monday that temperatures will begin falling six or seven years from now, when global warming caused by increased solar activity in the 20th century reaches its peak, RIA Novosti reported.

The coldest period will occur 15 to 20 years after a major solar output decline between 2035 and 2045, Abdusamatov said.

Dramatic changes in the earth's surface temperatures are an ordinary phenomenon, not an anomaly, he said, and result from variations in the sun's energy output and ultraviolet radiation.

The Northern Hemisphere's most recent cool-down period occurred between 1645 and 1705. The resulting period, known as the Little Ice Age, left canals in the Netherlands frozen solid and forced people in Greenland to abandon their houses to glaciers, the scientist said.

Record sales of sleeping pills...

... are causing consumer protection agencies to lose sleep.

Mass exodus of liberal celebrities from Canada

Angered and humiliated by the defeat of their party in the recent election, Canadian liberal celebrities, who took a cue from their American counterparts, are making good on their promise to leave their country if conservatives took power, and are exiting Canada en masse.

Border officials have been forced to work overtime as the lines of Range Rovers and Citroens have grown increasing longer on a daily basis. The fleeing liberals have clogged up the border checkpoints, causing traffic jams as they jostle around each other in their adamant refusal to wait patiently. "It's inexcusable that the government hasn't set up special celebrity queues," insisted Celine Dion. "These long lines are for regular people. Not celebrities like me and John Candy." When told that John Candy was dead, Celine replied, "Well that's no reason to make him wait in line, too!"

The long wait to emigrate is only part of the problem for the renegade progressives. Finding a liberal oasis to call home is the real issue. Most of the liberals were enroute to Denmark when the brouhaha regarding the muslim prophet cartoons erupted. And when the celebrities were informed that the rate of private gun ownership in Denmark was among the highest in europe, they suddenly felt that their private armed bodyguards were not likely to give them the extra security that celebrities require.

"No liberal-minded celebrity wants to live in a barbaric society where citizens carry weapons," explained Alec Baldwin. Baldwin who is not Canadian, but supports other liberals who threaten to leave their country of origin if their political ideologies are rejected by the majority of citizens, made an appearance at the Lester B Pearson International Airport in Toronto. He was accompanied by a small entourage of armed bodyguards.

Bad joke du jour

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Of course, the lady was furious! She stormed past the store and continued off to work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so angered that she went into the store and told the owner that she would sue the store and kill the bird if it happened again. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store the next day the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Bush wiretapping agent is arrested.

Private eye to the stars Anthony Pellicano, freed from prison on Friday after serving 2 1/2 years for firearms offenses, was immediately arrested again in a federal wiretap investigation closely watched in Hollywood.

FBI agents searching Pellicano's West Hollywood office in 2002 found computer files containing large volumes of wiretap transcripts and notes, as well as firearms, grenades and plastic explosives in a safe. The weapons discovery led to his guilty plea on felony firearms charges in October 2003 and a 30-month prison term.

Pellicano was taken into custody as he was released from the Taft Correctional Institution near Bakersfield, California, where he was serving that sentence.

Oh wait.. did I say Bush? I meant Clinton.

During two terms of the Clinton administration, Pellicano was one of several private investigators used by the White House to conduct "shadow" operations. Others included Terry Lenzner, founder and chairman of the powerful Washington detective firm Investigative Group International, and San Francisco private eye Jack Palladino and his wife Sandra Sutherland.

But it was Hillary Clinton who hired the "Shadow Team" – some believe to do work that employees of the federal government could not do.

Former congressional investigator Barbara Olson, who was killed Sept. 11, 2001, wrote that, "In the political life of the Clintons, it was she [Hillary] who pioneered the use of private detectives. It was she who brought in and cultivated the professional dirt-diggers and smear artists."

Hillary's detectives engaged in "a systematic campaign to intimidate, frighten, threaten, discredit and punish innocent Americans whose only misdeed is their desire to tell the truth in public," former Clinton adviser Dick Morris charged in the New York Post of Oct. 1, 1998.

In his book, "Hillary's Secret War", author Richard Poe explains that Pellicano's violent career as a private investigator reveals much about the sorts of qualifications Hillary sought in her "Shadow Team."

In the January 1992 issue of GQ magazine, Pellicano boasted of the dirty work he had performed for his clients, including blackmail and physical assault. He claimed to have beaten one of his client's enemies with a baseball bat.

"I'm an expert with a knife," said Pellicano. "I can shred your face with a knife."

Pellicano was deeply involved in Clinton damage-control operations – including efforts to discredit former Clinton lovers Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky.

Why not a "Foon"?

The name "Spork" is a blend of the words (sp)oon and f(ork). Spork® is the trademarked name for a piece of cutlery combining the features of a spoon, a fork and sometimes a knife. It is also called the Runcible Spoon. A patent for the Spork® was issued on August 11th, 1970 to Van Brode Milling Co., Inc., of Clinton, Mass.

Happy Birthday, Gipper!

Born on this day in 1911, the greatest president of the 20th century... Ronald Reagan.

British news determines U.S. media is too pro-war

What most americans can only assume is a spoof clever enough to be published in The Onion, what was once a respected newspaper in the United Kingdom, The Guardian has determined through exhaustive research in a very dark room with no windows or electricity, that the US media is at 'all-time low'.

Sure, you're thinking "I've known that for years." But here's where the Guardian reveals that they're drinking the wrong Kool-Aid.

The US media reached an "all-time low" in failing to reflect public opinion and Americans' desire for trusted information, instead acting as a "cheerleader" for war, said Amy Goodman, the executive producer and host of US TV and radio news show Democracy Now!, at a news forum organised by al-Jazeera.

This is laughable as anyone in the United States can tell you how negative the news reports are regarding the War on Terror. Fabricated stories of mishandled Korans and 'torture' involving women's underwear are all the rage in the media. While first-hand accounts of muslims stabbing schoolchildren in the stomach with bayonets is largely ignored.

The article goes on to argue that the arab media is much more truthful in their lies.. I mean, reporting. And while the 'honest' work of al-Jazeera media is head and shoulders above the warmongering western news sources, the typical towelhead reporter still has obstacles to overcome.

Lawrence Pintak, a director of the Adham Centre for Electronic Journalism and a former CBS foreign correspondent, urged delegates against thinking that Arabic media were allowed the freedoms to which western journalists were accustomed.

"I am concerned that someone from the US or Europe who doesn't know the Arabic world will think that all is goodness and light when we know that is not the case," he said, citing the beating of journalists during the Egyptian elections and the detention of journalists in Yemen and Morocco.

Yes, I've been thinking of moving to Pakistan because the conditions there are so much better. Other than the 'honor killings', beheadings, raping of women and children, and imprisonment of christians, of course.

On this day in 1690

Paper Currency Comes to America

Until 1690, the North American colonies had dealt primarily in coinage. Silver and gold were rather rare, so colonists generally used unofficial coins, or "decrepit coppers". Boston-based silversmiths John Hull and Robert Sanderson did operate their own mint between 1652 and 1682, issuing silver shillings and three and sixpence pieces, but save for a few ill-fated experiments, paper money was hardly tried or used. However, on February 3, 1690, Massachusetts took what would later prove to be a crucial step in the establishment of a stable American economy and authorized the first official paper currency to be ever used in the Western Hemisphere.

Apparently, passing the buck has been common for over 300 years!

Bad joke du jour

"Mr. Friday, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the girl you need. Say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Friday, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the relatives in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

It's all the (out)rage

Neal Boortz, on his blog, Nealz Nuze, had this to say about the muslim reaction to cartoons of Muhammed being printed.

Muslim outrage huh. OK ... let's do a little historical review. Just some lowlights:

Muslims fly commercial airliners into buildings in New York City. No Muslim outrage.

Muslim officials block the exit where school girls are trying to escape a burning building because their faces were exposed. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims cut off the heads of three teenaged girls on their way to school in Indonesia. A Christian school. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims murder teachers trying to teach Muslim children in Iraq. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims murder over 80 tourists with car bombs outside cafes and hotels in Egypt. No Muslim outrage.

A Muslim attacks a missionary children's school in India. Kills six. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims slaughter hundreds of children and teachers in Beslan, Russia. Muslims shoot children in the back. No Muslim outrage.

Let's go way back. Muslims kidnap and kill athletes at the Munich Summer Olympics. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims fire rocket-propelled grenades into schools full of children in Israel. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims murder more than 50 commuters in attacks on London subways and busses. Over 700 are injured. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims massacre dozens of innocents at a Passover Seder. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims murder innocent vacationers in Bali. No Muslim outrage.

Muslim newspapers publish anti-Semitic cartoons. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims are involved, on one side or the other, in almost every one of the 125+ shooting wars around the world. No Muslim outrage.

Muslims beat the charred bodies of Western civilians with their shoes, then hang them from a bridge. No Muslim outrage.

Newspapers in Denmark and Norway publish cartoons depicting Mohammed. Muslims are outraged.

Dead children. Dead tourists. Dead teachers. Dead doctors and nurses. Death, destruction and mayhem around the world at the hands of Muslims .. no Muslim outrage ... but publish a cartoon depicting Mohammed with a bomb in his turban and all hell breaks loose.

As always, he makes a very good point.

I'm outraged.. at the outrageous outrage

As emotions swell in europe over the outrageous cartoons depicting muslim prophet Muhammed with a bomb on his turban, we here at To Each His Own are shocked.. shocked, I say, at the insensitivity that christians are showing for the suicide-bombers and other psychotic followers of the Religion Of Peace(TM). And we'll have no part of it.

Okay.. maybe just this once.

How smart are you?

The following quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a 'professional'.

Scroll down for each answer. Don't look before you answer! That would be cheating, and cheaters never prosper...

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put the giraffe in and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?"

Wrong. The correct response would be: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant, and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory...

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show that you're a real 'smarty pants'.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

It's Groundhog Day... again

This February 2nd, Punxsutawney Phil.. the seer of seers... prognosticator of prognosticators... emerged reluctantly, but alertly in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania and stated in Groundhogese... "I definitely see a shadow. "

Sorry, folks. Six more weeks of winter.

On this day in 1942

Vidkun Quisling, a collaborator with the German occupiers of Norway, is established as prime minister of a puppet government.

On April 9, 1940, German warships entered major Norwegian ports, from Narvik to Oslo, deployed thousands of German troops, and occupied Norway. German forces were able to slip through the mines Britain had laid around Norwegian ports because local garrisons were ordered to allow the Germans to land unopposed. The order came from a Norwegian commander, Vidkun Quisling, who was loyal to Norway's pro-fascist former foreign minister.

Hours after the invasion, the German minister in Oslo demanded Norway's surrender. The Norwegian government refused, and the Germans responded with a parachute invasion. In September 1940, "commissarial counselors" in the control of the Germans replaced Norway's administrative council. Chief of these "counselors" was Quisling, who was given dictatorial powers and who proceeded to earn the enmity of Norwegians as he sent thousands of people to German concentration camps and executed members of the resistance movement.

On February 1, 1942, the commissarial counselors formed a formal government loyal to Germany, with Quisling as its prime minister. When Germany finally surrendered in May 1945, Quisling was arrested by Norway's Allied liberators, tried for treason, and executed.

The name Quisling, just like "Benedict Arnold", continues to be a synonym for "traitor".

53% of all American children don't graduate from high school!

Sen. John Kerry claimed this morning on NBC TODAY that 53% of America's children do not graduate from high school -- a claim that raised eyebrows in the NBC control room.

Kerry made the comments after host Katie Couric asked the failed presidential candidate about Bush's State of the Union call to train 70,000 additional teachers in math and science.

COURIC: He wanted to train 70,000 additional teachers in math and science.

KERRY: That's terrific. But 53 percent of our children don't graduate from high school. Kids don't have after-school programs... He didn't ask America to sacrifice anything to achieve great goals and the biggest example is making the tax cut permanent for the wealthiest people in America. The average American struggles to find time to take care of families, working two or three jobs... It's a disgrace. He did not tell the real state of the union.

Kerry's 53% claim conflicts with a recent press release from the U.S. Census Bureau: "High School Graduation Rates Reach All-Time High"

And the Census Bureau's own website states: 85.9 Percent Of Americans Aged 20-24 Are High School Graduates. (U.S. Census Bureau Website, www.census.gov , Accessed 2/1/06)

Now if we could just get John Kerry to shut up and work at least one job.

I can relate

Evel Knievel: America's Legendary Daredevil

There wasn't a person living in America during the 70s that wasn't well aware of the man in the star spangled helmet. His motorcycle stunts captured the attention of everyone, and influenced the behavior, perhaps unwisely, of many a young man... myself included. His confidence and persistence was a sterling example of what America was made of.

Best known for his ill-fated attempt to 'jump' the Snake River Canyon in 1974, he held several world records prior to that, mostly for jumping an ever-increasing number of cars, and later, buses. Taking off from the highest ski-style jump ramp ever used he thrilled the crowd of 35,000 by flying over 50 cars stacked in the center of the Los Angeles Colliseum on February 18, 1973.

His popularity spawned an episode in Happy Days in which Fonzie jumps 14 garbage cans to maintain his 'coolness'. Evel himself even starred in an episode of the highly-rated television show "The Bionic Woman". Then there was the cover of Sports Illustrated for September 1974.

Eager to emulate Evel, schoolboys took to creating bike ramps and broke countless bones (just as Evel did). Ideal Toy Company created various action figures and stunt toys and made over $300million.

In the winter of 1976 Evel was seriously injured during a nationally televised performance of an attempt to motorcycle jump a tank full of live sharks in the Chicago Ampitheater. For the first time a bystander was also injured when a cameraman was struck, eventually losing an eye. Knievel, who suffered a brain concussion and two broken arms, decided to retire from major performances but continued to do smaller exhibitions around the country with his son Robbie, establishing him as his successor.

Evel still holds the all time ABC's Wide world of Sports TV viewing audience record for his 52% of household share when his Kings Island performance was broadcast in 1975.

But if you look beyond the unflinchingly confident icon, there is the man, whose real name is Robert Craig Knievel. He was born in Butte, Montana in 1938. A natural athlete, he held records in ski jumping and formed a semiprofessional hockey league known as the Butte Bombers.

'Evel' worked in the copper mines as a diamond drill operator, then served in the Army. Upon his honorable discharge, he operated a hunting guide service back in Montana. In 1961 at the age of 23, he learned that the overpopulation of elk in Yellowstone National Park were being killed by park rangers. He travelled alone to Washington DC and convinced several congressmen and an aide to John F. Kennedy to relocate the animals rather than kill them. A practice which is still done to this day.

For a short period in 1962, he took a job as a salesman for the Combined Insurance Company of America. Although it might seem an odd fit for him, he set a company record by selling 271 polices in one week. Later, he went into motorcycle sales and was very successful with his sales pitch of offering a $100 discount to anyone who could beat him at arm wrestling.

In a career as an artist in the 1980's he painted mostly western and wildlife scenes and sold thousands of limited edition prints in art galleries nationwide.

He has been a generous contributor to charities and currently is promoting the work of the "Make a Wish Foundation", an organization that arranges the fullfillment of the dreams of children suffering from terminal illnesses.

International media attention to Evel's heroic, death-defying feats and his popular messages to the world's youth, promoting abstention from drugs and a healthy lifestyle with a positive mental attitude quickly transformed him into a National Icon. He became America's Legendary Daredevil. Though having attained super-star status, and genuine friendships with other stars like Elvis Presley, Jackie Gleason and Muhammed Ali, he remained affable and accessible to ordinary working people and children.

News Flash. Stop.

After 145 years, Western Union has quietly stopped sending telegrams.

On the company's web site, if you click on "Telegrams" in the left-side navigation bar, you're taken to a page that ends a technological era with about as little fanfare as possible:

"Effective January 27, 2006, Western Union will discontinue all Telegram and Commercial Messaging services. We regret any inconvenience this may cause you, and we thank you for your loyal patronage. If you have any questions or concerns, please contact a customer service representative."

The decline of telegram use goes back at least to the 1980s, when long-distance telephone service became cheap enough to offer a viable alternative in many if not most cases. Faxes didn't help. Email could be counted as the final nail in the coffin.

The world's first telegram was sent on May 24, 1844 by inventor Samuel Morse. The message, "What hath God wrought," was transmitted from Washington to Baltimore. In a crude way, the telegraph was a precursor to the Internet in that it allowed rapid communication, for the first time, across great distances.

Western Union goes back to 1851 as the Mississippi Valley Printing Telegraph Company. In 1856 it became the Western Union Telegraph Company after acquisition of competing telegraph systems. By 1861, during the Civil War, it had created a coast-to-coast network of lines.

But most importantly, how soon will it be before children don't understand jokes such as this:

An Irish Setter went to a Western Union telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely informed the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But sir," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Lady Liberty in Madison, WI

In February 1979 Lady Liberty poked her head above the icy waters of Lake Mendota. Astonished local Wisconsin residents flocked to the lake to witness the bizarre spectacle. Unfortunately, she was only there for three weeks before she disappeared in a blaze of fire, the victim of arsonists. But the next year she returned (fireproofed this time) though again she didn't stick around for long. This time she fell victim to the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, which determined that she resembled a fishing shanty and demanded that she be removed from the ice to satisfy their regulations. She was duly relocated to a shed.



The presence of Lady Liberty on Lake Mendota was the handiwork of Jim Mallon and Leon Varjian, the two leaders of the University of Wisconsin-Madison's notorious Pail and Shovel (P&S) party. That year the P&S party had assumed control of the student government (much to the dismay of their rivals), thanks to compelling campaign promises such as the pledge to dump the entire penny value of the student budget onto the ground and allow students to scoop up whatever they could get with a pail and shovel (hence the name of their party). Mallon and Varjian had also promised to buy the Statue of Liberty and bring it to Wisconsin. Being men of their word, they actually made good on their campaign vow, much to everyone's surprise.

Varjian claimed that the statue had been flown in by helicopter, but that the cable holding it had snapped causing Lady Liberty to crash through the ice until only the top of her head and her arm remained above water. In actuality, the statue had been constructed in a woodworking shop out of chicken wire, papier-mâché, and plywood and then moved out onto the ice. The plan was for the statue to appear overnight, but it actually took three days to erect (ensuring that absolutely no one believed Varjian's tale about the statue plummeting from a helicopter). Once in place it towered 40 feet above the surface of the ice.

The submerged appearance of the statue fueled speculation that it was a veiled commentary on the widespread political apathy of the students, by way of an allusion to the end of The Planet of the Apes. But Varjian always denied this suggestion.

Whatever the symbolic meaning of the statue, its presence caused the enemies of the P&S party (and there were many of them) to see red, especially when it became known that Mallon and Varjian had spent $4500 of student funds on its construction. The enemies of the P&S party, who were well represented on the staff of the student newspaper, the Daily Cardinal, felt that Mallon and Varjian were nothing more than clowns who had hijacked the student government and were proceeding to make a mockery of it.

The Daily Cardinal spearheaded a campaign accusing Mallon and Varjian of illegal use of student funds. In response to this criticism, Varjian noted that the total cost of the statue had only been ten cents per student, and he offered to refund this amount to any student who so desired. 60 students staged a rally to demand their dimes, and Varjian obligingly wrote each of them a check for ten cents.

But the Daily Cardinal was not to be satisfied by this concession. It continued to denounce the statue for three weeks until March 2 when unknown arsonists torched Lady Liberty in the middle of the night and burned her to the ground. Mysteriously, the Daily Cardinal had a photographer on hand to record the burning, even though it denied any involvement in the deed.

Though they lost their statue, the P&S party got their revenge by winning re-election to head the student government again the following year, and the next February they gleefully rebuilt the statue. This time it cost over $6000 to construct. But while the second Lady Liberty eluded any would-be arsonists, it did not escape the notice of the bureaucrats at the Department of Natural Resources, and so it had to be removed.

Lady Liberty on Lake Mendota occupies a treasured place in University of Wisconsin lore. Postcards of her remain popular, and keychains and refrigerator magnets bearing her image are even available. In 1996 Lady Liberty made a brief reappearance when she was rescued from her shed and lovingly reconstructed by the Hoofers, the University of Wisconsin-Madison's outdoor recreation club.

The construction of Lady Liberty represented an ingenious spin on the perennial fascination college students have with stealing statues. Instead of stealing a statue, Mallon and Varjian simply built their own. But the sheer bizarre, brilliant spectacle of Lady Liberty sticking her head up above the Wisconsin ice alone earns this prank a place in the top ten college pranks of all time.

Incidentally, the P&S party, while campaigning, had also promised that if elected they would cover the lawn outside the University's administration building with pink flamingoes. They made good on this pledge also.