Tired of regular golf? Try GolfCross

The game played with the oval golf ball. The funny thing is, this one is real.

Dihydrogen monoxide is spreading.. prepare yourself

It seems you can't pick up a copy of the Sierra Club Newsletter these days without reading a story about the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. Get the facts before it's too late!

Boost your blog site traffic the legal way!

"VCs are breathing down your neck to bring in more traffic. Your Media Metrix numbers are plunging because they "forgot" to include your biggest site in your consolidation. Customers are pissed because they aren't getting enough exposure. Your sales staff is fuming because you don't have enough impressions. Click Monkeys!!™ can solve all your problems!!!! Their off shore click farm can guarantee over 10 million new impressions per month and a million new unique visitors!!"

Afterlife Telegrams

For a donation of $5.00 per word (5 word minimum), Afterlife Telegram Service can have telegrams delivered to people who have passed away. This is done with the help of terminally ill volunteers who memorize the telegrams before passing away, and then deliver the telegrams after they have crossed over to the other side.

But what's the punchline?

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifed from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ’Take a clean dish’".

Neutrinos escape a government lab!

Attention Wisconsin residents... the government is currently covering up a snafu that resulted in the 'loss' of neutrinos somewhere in our state!

Top 5 Secrets the government doesn't want you to know

According to The Weekly World News, here are the top 5 secrets the government is hiding.

1. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

2. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

3. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

4. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

5. Warning: This information has been removed by the FCC

When they government demands less, they get more

The truth behind those evil tax cuts for the rich. History has consistently shown that a lower tax burden results in increased prosperity for everyone, including the government.

On this day in 1870

The 15th Amendment, granting voting rights to blacks, slaves and all minorities, is adopted

Following its ratification by the requisite three-fourths of the states, the 15th Amendment, granting African-American men the right to vote, is formally adopted into the U.S. Constitution. Passed by Congress the year before, the amendment reads, "the right of citizens of the United States to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of race, color, or previous condition of servitude." One day after it was adopted, Thomas Peterson-Mundy of Perth Amboy, New Jersey, became the first African American to vote under the authority of the 15th Amendment.

In 1867, the Republican-dominated Congress passed the First Reconstruction Act, over President Andrew Johnson's veto, dividing the South into five military districts and outlining how new governments based on universal manhood suffrage were to be established. With the adoption of the 15th Amendment in 1870, a politically mobilized African-American community joined with white allies in the Southern states to elect the Republican Party to power, which brought about radical changes across the South. By late 1870, all the former Confederate states had been readmitted to the Union, and most were controlled by the Republican Party, thanks to the support of African-American voters.

In the same year, Hiram Rhoades Revels, a Republican from Natchez, Mississippi, became the first African American ever to sit in Congress. Although African-American Republicans never obtained political office in proportion to their overwhelming electoral majority, Revels and a dozen other African-American men served in Congress during Reconstruction, more than 600 served in state legislatures, and many more held local offices. However, in the late 1870s, the Southern Republican Party vanished with the end of Reconstruction, and Southern state governments effectively nullified the 14th and 15th Amendments, stripping Southern African Americans of the right to vote. It would be nearly a century before the Republican-controlled Congress would again attempt to establish equal rights for African Americans in the South.

Bad joke du jour

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila." Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said "Never mind. I found one."

Our borders are terrorist highways

Congressional investigators testing U.S. port security smuggled enough radioactive material into the United States last year to make two radiological "dirty" bombs, officials told a Senate panel yesterday.

In December, undercover teams from the Government Accountability Office, Congress's audit arm, carried small amounts of cesium-137 -- a radioactive material used for cancer therapy, industrial gauges and well logging -- in the trunks of rental cars through border checkpoints in Texas and Washington state. The material triggered radiation alarms, but the smugglers used false documents to persuade U.S. Customs and Border Protection inspectors to let them through with it.

"These are documents my 20-year-old son could easily develop with a simple Internet search," said Sen. Norm Coleman (R-Minn.), who chaired the hearing into covert nuclear threats before a Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs subcommittee yesterday. "It is a problem when it is tougher to buy cold medicine than it is to acquire enough material to construct a dirty bomb."

I'm sick of antibacterial products

by Christopher Wanjek

Pity the poor bacterium, the Rodney Dangerfield of the unicellular world. It eats our trash, makes soil fertile, turns the food we swallow into useful vitamins, and yet it gets no respect. Most people, when you get right down to it, are just plain bacteria bigots. They want to run all 2,000-plus species of bacteria out of town just because of a few ornery germs that can harm us.
And now, it seems, our pursuit of a bacteria-free world is making us sick. Got antibacterial soap? It could be doing you more harm than good.

A study published this month in Chest (trust me, it's a medical journal) finds that antibiotic exposure during infancy is associated with asthma. This follows a string of studies from the past few years, such as those from the Immune Tolerance Network, revealing that early exposure to harmful bacteria builds a healthy immune system. Kids exposed to endotoxin-releasing bacteria, for example, are less likely to be allergic to dogs and cats.

These docs have a sense of humor, too. They call this the Pigpen Effect, after the Peanut's character with his protective cloud of dirt. It's a dirty little secret the antibacterial soap people don't want you to know about.

The rising incidence of asthma and allergies in the developed (cleaner) world, doctors say, could be tied to the relatively sterile environments our children live in compared to a generation ago. Children not exposed to harmful bacteria, or conversely, given antibiotics to kill bacteria, do not receive the germ workout required to make antibodies. More specifically, they do not develop T-helper cells, which fight foreign cellular invaders and minimize allergies.

Unfortunately the American consumer is at war with all bacteria. According to the Soap and Detergent Association (too bad its acronym couldn't spell SUD), more than three-quarters of liquid soap and over a quarter of bar soaps on supermarket shelves contain triclosan, an antibiotic that kills most bacteria, both good and bad.

Ridding ourselves of bacteria is a hopeless endeavor. Bacteria outnumber human cells in your body 10 to 1. This is a good thing. The entire digestive tract is lined with bacteria, from top to, uh, bottom. These bacteria work with the body's own chemicals in breaking down food, converting it to useful vitamins and minerals, and making sure the intestinal walls can absorb the nutrients for the blood stream to circulate. Without these bacteria, we could not digest food. Babies, born relatively bacteria-free, are extremely limited in what they can eat.

Human skin contains many species of harmless bacteria. Their presence prevents harmful bacteria, what we commonly call germs, from gaining a foothold on your skin. Numerous studies show that antibacterial soap is no more effective than ordinary soap in cleaning your hands. Either kind lifts off germ-laden dirt. But antibacterial soap kills helpful bacteria on the skin, freeing up valuable real estate so that harmful bacteria can move in later.

The marketing of antibacterial products during flu and cold season is a scam, because colds and flu are caused by viruses, not bacteria. Most bacterial infections in the United States are food-borne: salmonella, listeria, and E. coli. We cannot wash food in triclosan. Apparently we tolerate feces in our food supply yet reach for an antibacterial wipe to clean some jelly off the counter. It's enough to make you sick.

I crack myself up

On a whim, I started yet another photoblog. This one is strictly for amusing, or the occasional exceptionally good, photos that I find on flickr. Check out Not My Photo.

250-Year-Old Tortoise Dies

Cut down in the prime of his life, Addwaita, a 250-year old tortoise died in the Calcutta zoo on Wednesday.

Addwaita, which means "the one and only" in the local Bengali language, was one of four Aldabra tortoises brought to India by British sailors in the 18th century.

Zoo officials say he was a gift for Lord Robert Clive of the East India Company, who was instrumental in establishing British colonial rule in India, before he returned to England in 1767.

This reminds me of the famous Ronald Reagan quote, "The new Democratic candidate claims he is the new Thomas Jefferson. My friend... I knew Thomas Jefferson! And you are no Thomas Jefferson!"

This tortoise really could have known Thomas Jefferson.

Elf finger found in box of cookies

Pine Meadow resident Ed Swaney made a gruesome discovery Sunday, when he opened a package of E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and found a tiny, golden-fingernailed appendage believed to be an elfin index finger.

"It was horrifying," said 43-year-old Swaney, a shoe salesman and frequent snacker. "At first, I thought it was just a broken-off little cookie chunk, but then my tongue brushed a tiny bone on the end, and I spit it out."

Forensic investigators say the digit is an index finger, measuring nearly three-quarters of an inch, and bearing a small signet ring embossed with a tree design. A spokesperson for Kellogg's, Keebler's parent company, denied responsibility for the incident.

No wonder I'm still not married

My friends and relatives can never understand why I'm still not married in my late 30s. I tell them that it's a tough world out there, in a dating sense. And getting tougher every day. A perfect example just rolled into my email inbox, and I felt I had to share it, so others watch and learn. The email is from Karen, a woman I had met online, and exchanged a handful of emails with late last year.

"I got your phone message..I am not at all interested in someone who calls whenever they feel like it...especially from a man who has a bunch of kids to pay for..and is a bit alcking [sic] in a few other departments...i think you were rude and inconsiderate and have absolutely no use for you.

Karen"

I found this to be extremely entertaining, given the fact that the last contact I had with this particular woman was over 4 months ago. I called the day she gave me her phone number, but since she wasn't home, I left a very polite 15-second message. I never heard back from her, either by phone or email.

Fast forward to the present. She obviously wasn't intending to sendt this message to me as I have no kids, and haven't called her since before Christmas. But I'm more than a bit disturbed by her attitude.

She isn't interested in a guy who calls whenever he feels like it? If anything, women most frequently criticize men for not calling often enough.

And how about the part about "a bunch of kids to pay for". How does that make you feel, reader? How many single people over the age of 30 DON'T have kids to pay for? If anything, I'm the weirdo in society for being childless.

But the final line "you were rude and inconsiderate and have absolutely no use for you" truly sums it up. The pot that has just called the kettle black is now off to find a polite and chivalrous guy.. and make his life hell.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

If you buy right now, we'll throw in this

How often have you heard the phrase "if you believe that, I've got a bridge I'll sell you"? Well, if you had accepted the offer, you would have gotten a cold war era fallout shelter included in the deal.

NY State Senator shows her compassion

According to the Albany Times Union, Queens Democrat Ada Smith threw coffee in a staffer's face, and pulled her hair.

This wouldn't be the first time Smith faced allegations by a staffer. Last year, she was cleared of an accusation by a former chief of staff who said he was terminated because he is homosexual. Also, in 1996 she allegedly threatened one employee with a knife.

I personally had to read the article twice to confirm they weren't referring to Hillary Clinton.

For all you Monty Python fans

The Camelot scene from The Holy Grail.. performed with Lego people. Hilarious!

President Bush orders loyalty checks

Today, President Bush had an unexpected press conference in which he announced an executive order requiring all federal employees to submit to 'loyalty checks'. Fearing that employees who are sympathetic to foreign governments are in sensitive positions within the government, Bush plans to investigate the background and 'loyalties' of every federal employee, saying that he expects "complete and unswerving loyalty" to the United States. Anything less, he declared, "constitutes a threat to our democratic processes."

Loyalty boards will be set up in every department and agency of the federal government. Using lists of "totalitarian, fascist, communist, or subversive" organizations provided by the attorney general, and relying on investigations by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, these boards will review every employee. If there exists "reasonable grounds" to doubt an employee's loyalty, he or she will be dismissed. A Loyalty Review Board will be set up under the Civil Service Commission to deal with employees' appeals.

For all you liberals out there who are now screaming "that neofacist Chimpy McBush can't do that!", I'll let you in on a little secret. He isn't really planning to. That was already done once, by the Democrat, Harry S. Truman. Instituted on this date in 1947.

Thank you, McCain and Feingold!

The fallout is still dropping from the radioactive legislation known as the McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance "Reform" Act. Bloggers from all political affiliations are very concerned how the law will affect their ability to express their political opinions, regardless of their 1st Amendment rights.

Since the McCain-Feingold legislation took effect, political funding has been shuffled into the various loopholes, the most famous known as 527's, which are generally unregulated. In effect, the campaign finance 'reform' has caused campaign financing to be more abused now than ever. Consider George Soro's millions of dollars channeled into MoveOn.Org. In pre-reform days, the hungarian billionaire who made his money through currency speculation (often causing nationwide recessions through his influence, but at his profit) would have had his personal influence reigned into to under 1 percent of what he currently controls.

But now it seems the Campaign Finance "Reform" Act actually will start imposing restrictions. Not on millions of dollars pouring in from billionaires with an axe to grind. No, they can still do pretty much whatever they want, as long as they form a 527 group. It's YOU that will be restricted. Your personal opinions might be silenced if you want to discuss politics online. This goes contrary to everything our Constitution is founded on, and it's a travesty that George Bush signed this idiotic law. George, have you ever heard of something called a VETO?

This is still a government of, by, and for the people, isn't it? Apparently those assholes McCain and Feingold know what's best for the people. We shouldn't trouble our pretty little heads about it.

IRS plans to make your tax return public

Imagine having the option to fill out your tax return and post it on a 'tax site' similar to Monster.com, with all your information available for everyone to see. Your name, address, income, deductions. Basically, your entire net worth. Would you do that? Especially since it won't give you any sort of advantage. You won't get your refund any quicker. The IRS won't be any less likely to audit you.

Yes, I can see tens of thousands of people logging on to upload all their most private information.

But that's essentially what the IRS plans to do, whether you like it or not. They plan to allow tax preparers to sell your information to anyone who pays.

If you think you should have some say in who H&R Block sells your information to, send a letter (no emails) to:

CC:PA:LPD:PR (REG-137243-02)
Room 5203
Internal Revenue Service, Box 7604
Ben Franklin Station, Washington, D.C. 20044.

Love will solve everything.. just ask any divorcee

Rock legend Carlos Santana gets all geopolitical and gives everyone the benefit of his like, wisdom man:

Carlos Santana quoted his old friend Jimi Hendrix in an anti-war message here today and said his philosophy is the antithesis of President George W. Bush's.
"I have wisdom. I feel love. I live in the present and I try to present a dimension that brings harmony and healing," the 58-year-old rock icon said. "My concept is the opposite of George W. Bush."

..."There is more value in placing a flower in a rifle barrel than making war," he said. "As Jimi Hendrix used to say, musical notes have more importance than bullets."

Like, yeah man! Yeah! We didn't need to fight the Nazis with like gun and tanks man, we should have just used crunchy grooves! And Saddam? After he raped and murdered a bunch of people, the people who weren't dead yet should have just walked up, stuck flowers in the soldier's guns, and then they could have just all held hands and turned Iraq into a big groovy commune, man.

So like when you're captured by a terrorist who's going to saw off your head cause you're like a Jew or something, don't wish for a bunch of Marines to kick in the door, just start singing Voodoo Child man, and everything will be all right! Cause music will produce harmony and healing dude!

This special message has been brought to you by the group: "Have a glass of shut the hell up Carlos Santana, you stupid, ^%$$&$^&^ hippie."

John Hawkins, via Right Wing News

Top Ten Ways To Annoy an IRS Agent

10. Instead of I.R.S., pronounce it "IRS"

9. Whenever he starts using his calculator, start yelling out a bunch of numbers.

8. Tape all your receipts up into a giant ball and then whip it at his head.

7. Pour a jar of honey on your W-2, let a bear loose in his office.

6. Be Leona Helmsley.

5. Tell him: "You know who makes a lot of money? That Oprah."

4. Keep saying, "1040, good buddy!"

3. Whenever he disallows a deduction, say "Oh, Mr. Gotti isn't going to like that..."

2. List his wife under "entertainment expenses."

1. Keep yelling "Hey, audit this!"

The tolerance of Islam

An Afghan man is awaiting sentencing for the unforgivable crime of converting to Christianity. He is expecting to receive the death sentence by the Kabul court.

And no, this is not a joke.

The prosecutor, Abdul Wasi, said he had offered to drop the charges if Rahman converted back to Islam, but he refused.

"He would have been forgiven if he changed back. But he said he was a Christian and would always remain one," Wasi told AP. "We are Muslims and becoming a Christian is against our laws. He must get the death penalty."

And in the muslim nation of Pakistan, it's no better to be a woman.

"Honor killings" are committed for the crimes of women choosing their own husbands, seeking divorce, or being raped. Yes, being raped is considered a crime for the victim since women are allowed essentially no rights in muslim nations.

But what happens to the killers, you ask. Oh, they have to appear before a court and pay a fine. About the same as getting a speeding ticket in America.

UPDATE: Here is a heartbreaking story about an Afghan girl who was married at the age of 4 and suffered daily beatings by her father-in-law. The good news is that she escaped and is now learning that staying alive doesn't require having bones broken on a regular basis. The bad news is that there are thousands more of these girls in muslim countries.

South Park "Scientology" episode

You can watch the South Park episode that Tom Cruise had banned on your computer. (Tom finally comes out of the closet!)

The not so wholesome side of Whole Foods

Ever notice how people who love Whole Foods are the same ones who hate Walmart? As is often the case with those people, they're not seeing the Whole (Foods) picture.

The Iceman Cometh

The latest online edition of The Straight Dope answers a question that I had been pondering just a few days ago.

Dear Cecil:

When I'm reading novels of, say, the antebellum south and there's a guy who goes around on a cart selling blocks of ice, how the heck did he get it? I mean, they didn't have the fridge to rely on. Did they go way up north and cut blocks of ice and pack it in straw for the summer, or was there a way to manufacture ice at that time? I can't figure this one out and have nowhere else to turn. Please help.--Terwiliger Paige

Read it all here.

Idiotic headline of the day

T-shirts Brand Kids as Potential Alcoholics

The associated article presses the logic that wearing a t-shirt with a beer logo on it makes the wearer more likely to become a problem drinker.

That's why I always wear pants that are 2 inches too long, because I'm pretty sure it'll make me grow taller

Iraqis angry that U.S. forgot anniversary of war

Iraqi citizens, already furious at the United States for a host of issues, are now miffed that the U.S. apparently forgot the third anniversary of the war there, sources said today.

Across the war-torn nation, Iraqis expressed a range of emotions from dismay to outright anger at the U.S. for failing to recognize the anniversary of the March 2003 invasion.

And while Sunnis and Shiites have found little to agree about as sectarian violence has surged in recent weeks, they both seemed in accord about one thing today: the United States should have at least sent flowers.

“A third anniversary is a big deal, and it should have been marked with a tasteful bouquet,” said Tikrit resident Hassan El-Medfaai, 47. “Apparently, this anniversary means a lot more to us than it does to them.”

At the White House, aides were scrambling to make amends with the Iraqi people over the apparent omission, with President Bush reportedly suggesting that the U.S. send a Mylar balloon with the words “Mission Accomplished” on it.

But at the Pentagon, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defended the U.S.’s failure to recognize the anniversary, telling reporters, “When we invaded three years ago, the Iraqis didn’t greet us with flowers, either.”

Secretary Rumsfeld added that a third anniversary is not “a major one,” and that the U.S. would still be in Iraq to celebrate the twenty-fifth.

Elsewhere, after Belarussian President Alexander Lukashenko called President Bush “terrorist No. 1 on the planet,” Osama bin Laden said that the ranking should be determined by a tournament and demanded that he be included in the Final Four.

Satire by The Borowitz Report

Republican Party: Born On date

On this day in 1854 in a small one-room schoolhouse in Ripon, Wisconsin, former members of the Whig Party meet to establish a new party to oppose the spread of slavery into the western territories. The Whig Party, which was formed in 1834 to oppose the "tyranny" of President Andrew Jackson, had shown itself incapable of coping with the national crisis over slavery.

With the successful introduction of the Kansas-Nebraska Bill of 1854, an act that dissolved the terms of the Missouri Compromise and allowed slave or free status to be decided in the territories by popular sovereignty, the Whigs disintegrated. By February 1854, anti-slavery Whigs had begun meeting in the upper midwestern states to discuss the formation of a new party. One such meeting, in Wisconsin on March 20, 1854, is generally remembered as the founding meeting of the Republican Party.

The Republicans rapidly gained supporters in the North, and in 1856 their first presidential candidate, John C. Fremont, won 11 of the 16 Northern states. By 1860, the majority of the Southern slave states were publicly threatening secession if the Republicans won the presidency. In November 1860, Republican Abraham Lincoln was elected president over a divided Democratic Party, and six weeks later South Carolina formally seceded from the Union. Within six more weeks, five other Southern states had followed South Carolina's lead, and in April 1861 the Civil War began when Confederate shore batteries under General P.G.T. Beauregard opened fire on Fort Sumter in South Carolina's Charleston Bay.

The Civil War firmly identified the Republican Party as the party of the victorious North, and after the war the Republican-dominated Congress forced a "Radical Reconstruction" policy on the South, which saw the passage of the 13th, 14th, and 15th amendments to the Constitution and the granting of equal rights to all Southern citizens. By 1876, the Republican Party had lost control of the South, but it continued to dominate the presidency until the election of Franklin D. Roosevelt in 1933.

Anti-War Movement gains momentum

The news has been full of recent reports of millions hundreds of thousands dozens of anti-justicewar protestors marching to show their support for bin Laden Saddam Hussein peace.

You've probably seen a lot of photos of this fun-loving bunch. But I thought I'd post a few more.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: polo champs

According to eyewitness accounts, the fearsome foursome known in theological circles as War, Famine, Pestilence and Death took on all comers in several polo matches and won every chukker.

"They performed very well indeed," says one club member who has played with Britain's Prince Charles but called his experience with the bonnie Four Horsemen "incomparable even to that."

"They are superb horsemen and very fast to the ball. Of course, their appearance is very unsettling, but overall they did seem a splendid bunch of chaps."

But not everyone was kosher with the idea. "Death on a Pale Horse riding against Joe Blow on a polo pony? I'm sorry -- for me, that just doesn't compute. Besides our guys were all dressed in regulation attire. These Four Horsemen looked like rejects from the World Wrestling Federation.

Run Windows XP on a Mac

For Mac users who feel left out of the loop by not experiencing a Blue Screen Of Death several times a day, there is hope. You can now run Windows XP on the latest Intel-based Macs. Why you would want to is beyond me.

What to do if your eye pops out

Villanova basketball star Allan Ray had his eyeball literally poked out of its socket by an opposing player in a recent game. Ray has been treating the injury with eye drops, and he planned to meet with doctors to find out if he can play in the first round of the NCAA tournament. What should you do if your eyeball comes out of your head?

Get it put back in, and soon. The longer you remain in this rare condition—known as "globe luxation"—the more strain you'll put on the blood vessels and nerves that connect your eye to the rest of your head. Your luxated globes will also be susceptible to corneal abrasions or inflammation, and the feeling of your eyelids clamped down behind them won't be pleasant.

You should be able to get your eye back in place without serious, long-term damage. (If the ocular muscles tear or if the optic nerve is severed, your outlook won't be as clear.) The treatment for globe luxation is pretty simple: Doctors apply some topical painkillers, hold back your lashes, and poke your eyeball into its socket by pressing on the white part with gloved fingers. (In some cases, they'll use a simple tool like a bent paperclip to shoehorn it back into place.) You might get antibiotics, lubricating drops, or steroids to follow up for a few days while your vision returns to normal. If your doctors can't pop your eye back in—because you've got too much swelling in the socket, for example—they'll give you an eye shield and consider a more invasive procedure.

Not all popped eyeballs come from head trauma. A few people can luxate their globes on purpose, and certain others get "spontaneous globe luxation" when their eyelids are pushed in the right way. Someone with shallow eye sockets or floppy eyelid syndrome, for example, might pop his eyeballs during a regular eye exam. You can also trigger luxation while putting in your contact lenses, or with a particularly violent sneeze. You might even pop your eyeballs by trying to exhale while keeping your nose and mouth closed (i.e., performing the Valsalva maneuver).

If your eyeballs fall out of their sockets repeatedly, you might be a candidate for a lateral tarsorrhaphy—in which doctors sew up your eyelids part of the way to keep them from opening too wide. You could also learn the following technique for popping your eye back in yourself: First direct your gaze downward. Now pinch and pull your upper eyelid with the thumb and index finger of one hand. Lay a finger from your other hand on the top part of your luxated eyeball, taking care to press only on the insensitive white part. While you continue to hold your eyelid up, push your eyeball gently down and back at the same time until it's part of the way in. Then try to look upwards; if everything goes right your eyeball will rotate under the upper lid and back into its socket.

Stephen, try the title "Goldilocks"

Stephen Spielberg's stylist for the miniseries cast decided to cut an Apache girl's hair without permission. The family is suing for $325,000. Apparently the hair didn't look 'just right'.

The Porsche debutes on this day

The first car to carry the Porsche family name was introduced at the 19th International Automobile Show in Geneva, Switzerland on this day in 1949.

After serving a two-year prison sentence for his participation as an engineer in Hitler's regime, Ferdinand Porsche and his son Ferry went to work on a car that would carry the Porsche name. The Porsche prototype, named the 356, was a sports-car version of the Volkswagen that Porsche had designed at Hitler's request. Its rounded lines, rear engine, and open two-seater design set the standard for all Porsches to come. The classic design and the incomparable engineering of Porsche cars attracted loyal customers at a record pace.

In 1950, Ferdinand Porsche celebrated his 75th birthday. He had risen to fame as an engineer for Mercedes; he had developed the Volkswagen; and he had finally put his name to his own automobile. One year later, Porsche suffered a stroke from which he would never recover. He died in January of 1952. Ferry Porsche, Ferdinand's son, built the Porsche Company into the empire it is today.

On this day in 1901

On March 17, 1901, paintings by the late Dutch painter Vincent van Gogh are shown at the Bernheim-Jeune gallery in Paris. The 71 paintings, which captured their subjects in bold brushstrokes and expressive colors, caused a sensation across the art world. Eleven years before, while living in Auvers-sur-Oise outside Paris, van Gogh had committed suicide without any notion that his work was destined to win acclaim beyond his wildest dreams. In his lifetime, he had sold only one painting. One of his paintings--the Yasuda Sunflowers--sold for just under $40 million at a Christie's auction in 1987.

Born in Zundert in the Netherlands in 1853, van Gogh worked as a salesman in an art gallery, a language teacher, a bookseller, and an evangelist among Belgium miners before settling on his true vocation as an artist. What is known as the "productive decade" began in 1880, and for the first few years he confined himself almost entirely to drawings and watercolors while acquiring technical proficiency. He studied drawing at the Brussels Academy and in 1881 went to the Netherlands to work from nature. The most famous work from the Dutch period was the dark and earthy The Potato Eaters (1885), which showed the influence of Jean-Franýois Millet, a French painter famous for his peasant subjects.

In 1886, van Gogh went to live with his brother, Thýo, in Paris. There, van Gogh met the foremost French painters of the postimpressionist period, including Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, Paul Gauguin, Camille Pissarro, and Georges Seurat. He was greatly influenced by the theories of these artists and under the advice of Pissarro he adopted the kind of colorful palette for which he is famous. His painting Portrait of Pýre Tanguy (1887) was the first successful work in his new postimpressionist style.

In 1888, van Gogh, mentally exhausted and feeling he was becoming a burden on Thýo, left Paris and took a house at Arles in southeastern France. The next 12 months marked his first great period, and working with great speed and intensity he produced such masterful works as his sunflower series and The Night Cafý (1888). He hoped to form a community of like-minded artists at Arles and was joined by Gauguin for a tense two months that culminated when van Gogh threatened Gauguin with a razor blade and then cut a piece of his own ear off. It was his first bout with mental illness, diagnosed as dementia.

Van Gogh spent two weeks at the Arles Hospital and in April 1889 checked himself into the asylum at Saint-Rýmy-de-Provence. He stayed there for 12 months and continued to work between recurrent attacks. One of the great paintings from this period was the swirling, visionary Starry Night (1889). In May 1890, he left the asylum and visited Thýo in Paris before going to live with Paul-Ferdinand Gachet, a homeopathic doctor and friend of Pissarro, at Auvers-sur-Oise. He worked enthusiastically for several months, but his mental and emotional state soon deteriorated. In late July 1890, feeling that he was a burden on Thýo and others, he shot himself. He died two days later, on July 29, in the arms of his brother.

He had exhibited a few canvases at the Salon des Indýpendants in Paris and in Brussels, and after his death both salons showed small commemorative exhibits of his work. Over the next decade, a handful of other van Gogh exhibits took place, but it was not until the Bernheim-Jeune show in 1901 that he was recognized as a truly important painter. In subsequent decades, his fame grew exponentially, and today his paintings are among the most recognized works of art in the world.

Dutch treat

A Dutch bank got a bonus on Thursday when police turned up with its stolen Vincent van Gogh painting during an earnings news conference.

"The Pollard Willow" was one of the last works the Dutch painter made in Nuenen in 1885 before leaving the southern region of the Netherlands where he was born.

The still life on a wooden panel, valued at several million euros, was stolen from a meeting room at F. van Lanschot Bankiers' Den Bosch headquarters in May 1999 in a heist police still have yet to solve.

"The most important thing was to get the painting back in a good state," Jac Nouwens, chief investigator for the district police, told reporters.

Two men, aged 25 and 33 were arrested for attempting to sell the painting and are being interrogated, Nouwens said. He declined to give more details of the continuing investigation.

Van Lanschot, which owns some 3,500 works of art, is still looking for a secure place to display the painting.

"For the time being we will definitely keep it in the safe. We need to get used to the idea again that it's back," Van Lanschot Chief Executive Floris Deckers told reporters.

Happy St. Patty's Day!

Anyone who's set out to find a four-leaf clover knows it's not an easy hunt. With so many also-rans to weed through, wouldn't it help to know the odds of getting lucky? Well, we've got good news and bad news. The good news is we found the answer. The bad news is, once you know it, you might think twice before diving into a field, fingers ready to pluck.

According to several sources, there are approximately 10,000 three-leaf clovers for every four-leafer hiding amid the blades of grass. Those are pretty tough odds, but certainly not impossible -- just ask George Kaminski. He holds the world's record for finding the most four-leaf clovers. As of St. Patrick's Day 2005, the Pennsylvania inmate had gathered 72,927 clovers from the prison yard.

While many like to claim a mythical explanation for the existence of four-leaf clovers, a simple genetic mutation is the real cause. But don't let the science ruin the romance for you. According to legend, on a four-leaf clover, each leaf stands for something. One leaf symbolizes hope, one is for faith, another for love, and the fourth is, of course, for luck.

Sweet Baby Jesus and the orphans

Quite possibly the best story ever regarding a Nigerian 419 (advance fee) scam. Check out the photos!

Weirdest google hit so far

Apparently a google search for "flogging aboard 17th century Ships" will bring up this blog.

That somehow reminds me of the greatest episode of Saturday Night Live ever.

A 1978 episode with Eric Idle playing Miles Cowperthwaite aboard the Raging Queen. Not only did you see a bare-chested Dan Akroyd in his glory years; it also featured scenes with scantily-clad Gilda Radner and Laraine Newman.

But the best part is Garrett Morris saying, "Captain! I threw the first blow. If anyone is to be punished, let it be me. I ask only that whatever you do, please don't put me in a tight-fitting Lassie costume and make me eat from a monogrammed dog dish."

Women and traffic tickets

"Wow, I didn't know the police force had such handsome officers! I'm really sorry, but I was busy adjusting my fishnet stockings. You know these things go all the way up. See? Anywho, I had no idea I was doing 95 in a school zone. I promise not to do it ever again today. Can I go now? Aw, thanks. You're sweet!"

Do women get out of traffic tickets more than men? You betcha.

On this day in 1881

The first PMS crime is committed.

Francisco "Chico" Forster is shot to death on downtown Los Angeles street by his jilted lover, eighteen-year old Lastania Abarta. The forty-year old Forster was the son of wealthy Los Angeles land developer and considered one of the city's most eligible bachelors despite his reputation for womanizing and poorly treating women.

Abarta worked in her parent's pool hall, where she sang, played the guitar, and met freqent customer Forster. On March 14, she was invited to perform at a party given by Pio Pico, California's last Mexican governor. The former politician had just lost a sizable tract of land near San Diego to Chico Forster's father. During a song, Abarta changed the lyrics to mock Pico and then ran off with Forster to the Moiso Mansion Hotel.

Apparently, the couple made love after Forster promised to marry Abarta. But when Forster disappeared and didn't return with a ring or priest to perform the ceremony, Abarta and her sister Hortensia started to comb the city in search of him. They finally found him at a race track gambling and dragged him to their carriage for a trip to the church.

But Forster got out of the cab on the way, the women closely following behind until Abarta suddenly pulled out a gun and shot him through the eye. Outraged by his son's untimely death, Forster's father hired a special prosecutor to make sure that Abarta was properly punished.

Abarta's lawyers tried a novel defense, they ran with America's 1880s obsession with "female hysteria." Medical theories of the time held that women could be driven crazy because of their reproductive system. Their first step was to introduce in evidence the blood stained sheets from the hotel where Abarta lost her virginity to Forster. The lawyers then trotted out no less than seven medical experts who expounded their hysteria theories. They testified that Abarta was clearly displaying classic "hysterical symptoms" caused "because her brain was undoubtedly congested with blood," when she killed Forster.

However, the most important testimony came from Dr. Joseph Kurtz who received applause from the spectators in the courtroom when he stated that "Any virtuous woman when deprived of her virtue would go mad, undoubtedly." The jury, all men of course, took just twenty minutes to acquit Abarta, who left town and disappeared out of sight

Hollywood is officially out of ideas

Just what everyone has been screaming for... a movie version of the tv series Dallas.

What haven't they remade yet? I bet within 2 years we'll see:

I Dream of Jeannie (with J.Lo in her career death spiral and Ewan McGregor)
Welcome Back Kotter (starring John Travolta, ironically)
Three's Company (starring Jessica Simpson, Janeane Garofalo and Ben Stiller)

Love at second sight

by Susan Rabin and Barbara Lagowski

As an author, therapist and flirting expert, let me share this story with you: Tara, 31, was looking for a guy who appreciated art and liked physical activity. And most of all, she was looking for a man she could talk to who would talk back. Not from his vocal chords but from his heart. Esteban, the professor Tara had been set up with by her friend Jen, had none of these qualities. Esteban peered at her and said little. Tara sat quietly, hoping that silence would draw out her reticent date. The date, of course, was their last.

But a week later, Tara was at a street fair when she saw Jen salsa dancing with Esteban! Tara was shocked. Who was this wild-and-crazy guy? And why had Esteban been such a stick-in-the-mud with her? Jen shared: Esteban didn’t like talking about himself, but he was a font of information about history—and a wonderfully enthusiastic dancer. Esteban had come to life at the street fair. He wasn’t just erudite, he was loads of fun. Esteban was just the kind of guy she had told Jen she was seeking. Why hadn’t she seen that when she had a chance?

The myth of love at first sight

Love at first sight is the cosmetically-enhanced superstar in the emotional pantheon. It is showy; explosively, totally overblown; and it gets all the media. Think of the way it is portrayed: Two hapless people are miraculously drawn into each other’s orbits. Their eyes meet. Their hearts open. Bells ring, birds sing. But how many of us are so busy listening for bells that we never hear the quiet “click” that signals deep, lasting affection?

It gives us pause when we hear someone say, “I married my best friend.” Finding both passion and devotion in a single person can seem impossible until we take a closer look at our attitudes. Many of us believe that love “happens,” but friendship develops. That kind of thinking eliminates all of those worthy prospects who capture our hearts day by day.

So your date was not love at first sight. Is he or she worth a second look? Consider these eye-opening romantic strategies.

Don’t be the typecasting type.

“I like tall, slender blonds,” my friend Vicki announced. That’s fine. I have an inclination for classical art—but that doesn’t keep me from appreciating a cubist sculpture.

If you feel that you can discern which partner might be right for you on first glance or from across the room, look at your belief system. Does the physical type you prefer reveal something about the image you want to portray? What physical characteristics denote success to you? Sensitivity? Uber-cool?

Your happiness is at stake here. The choosing of a new friend should at least merit the consideration you would put into selecting new shoes: Style is a factor, but comfort is key. It may take a bit of aimless strolling to know if the fit is right.

Focus on what’s really important.

Some people come to us for a reason; others are important to us for a season. Which type of person is the one you are with? If a fling is in order, throw caution to the wind. But if it’s lasting love you’re looking for, then friendship and communication must develop. Give a new friendship time to take its course.

Set to “defrost.” Wait.

Even in this age, when confession is considered good for the soul, there are still many people who do not spill their guts until they’ve gotten to know you. If he seems reserved, maybe he’s saving himself for someone who’ll put in a little effort. If she is the kind of nut you might like, but a tough one to crack, maybe she’s looking for the right person to open up to. People don’t warm at the same rates. Give your partner a little time to acclimate.

Are you being too picky?

Think of the last 20 men or women you’ve dated. Go through it, checking off the men or women you were attracted to. If you feel attracted to at least half of the men/women you date, you are open to a healthy range of types and personalities. But if you are having a hard time mustering up interest in the people who want to see you, you may have set your sights especially high.

Know the difference between a harmless habit and a deal-breaker.

Something may be bugging you about a recent date, but is it a permanent or passing issue? I can’t tell you how many men and women I know how gave a perfectly nice date the boot because he or she was too chubby, couldn’t dance, didn’t like museums, was a vegetarian, or showed some other characteristic that might evolve. Meanness or intellectual dullness may be a permanent condition, but hair, hips and habits are subject to change. Don’t be quick to say good-bye forever to someone who might mellow over time.

Consider a change of venue.

If he’s a dud over dinner, if she’s a clod on the tennis court, it is possible that these are not the places where he or she can shine! Set up a second date, but allow him or her to choose the location or the activity. Even a jewel loses its luster when it’s not in the right setting.

In recent years, I've been a victim, for lack of a better word, of just about every one one of these examples. Women have bought into the storybook romance, perpetrated on them by Hollywood and Harlequin. If I had a buck for every woman that has told me, in one form or another, that she wants a man to 'sweep her off her feet', I'd be rich enough to buy a Mercedes convertible. In which case, I could chew with my mouth open and they'd still want a second date.

My labor of love

Think you can do better? Express yourself at www.mrpicassohead.com.

Go ahead, drink bacon grease for breakfast

Here's a very informative article from LiveScience.com

Two very big and very expensive health studies were published in February to the glee of people everywhere who enjoy drinking bacon grease for breakfast. Maybe you saw the reprints in Cynicism Today. Both studies had a "cheesesteak does your body good" feel to them.

One study found that a low-fat diet didn't reduce the risk of cancer or heart attacks. The other found that taking calcium supplements did more harm than good. This was the kind of back-to-back, one-two punch my hefty coworker had been waiting to deliver to me; and as soon as he caught his breath from the 25-meter walk to my office, boy, did he let me have it.

The low-fat study was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Dr. Michael Thun, director of epidemiological research at the American Cancer Society, called it "the Rolls-Royce of studies." Perhaps he was talking about the sticker price, $415 million, which is astoundingly high for a health study. But lift up the hood on that baby, and you'll see the study as the engine of a Dodge Dart.

The main problem with the low-fat study was that it didn't study a low-fat diet. Oops. A low-fat diet recommends only 20 to 25 grams of fat per day, which would be about 10 to 15 percent of a 2,000-calorie diet. The subjects, all women, couldn't reach the modest study goal of 20 percent. They tried, but they ended up with 24 to 29 percent of their calories from fat. The researchers compared these ladies to a control group at the 35-percent fat level. And they found no difference? Amazing!

This was an eight-year study of women over 50, another gross limitation. Whether or not cancer or heart problems develop during this tiny window after 50 years of undocumented lifestyle is inconsequential. And the study didn't differentiate among fats now known to be healthy, such as those with omega-3 fatty acids, and unhealthy fats, such as the aforementioned bacon grease.

''These studies are revolutionary,'' said Dr. Jules Hirsch of Rockefeller University in a New York Times article. Well, they're revolutionary in the fact that we spent a lot of money and learned nothing about a low-fat diet. You may think a low-fat diet is bunk, and maybe it is, but this study provides no insight.

The calcium study, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, found that popping calcium tablets didn't prevent broken bones but instead led to kidney stones. What the calcium study reveals is that grand American philosophy: If something is good for you, then even more of it must be better.

We see this with megadoses of vitamins, even though an excess of vitamin C can cause health problems. We see this with the recommendation to drink more tea because of antioxidants, with no regard for the fact that tannins in tea interfere with iron absorption.

Of course excess calcium causes kidney stones; kidney stones are made of calcium. The truth about osteoporosis, or weak bones, is that animal protein leaches calcium from bones. Because the American diet is high in animal protein, Americans require two to three times more calcium than other cultures do. The trick is to minimize leaching through exercise and less animal protein, and to start early in life.

Racist Republicans

For those who missed that one day in high school history class when they discussed segregation and Jim Crow, Larry Elder explains everything you need to know about the connection between racism and Republicans in America in his book, The Ten Things You Can't Say In America.

Georgia governor Lester Maddox famously brandished ax handles to prevent blacks from patronizing his restaurant. He was a Democrat.

Alabama governor George Wallace stood in front of the Alabama schoolhouse in 1963 and thundered, "Segregation now, segregation tomorrow, segregation forever." He was a Democrat.

Birmingham Public Safety commissioner Eugene "Bull" Connor sicced dogs and turned fire hoses on black civil rights demonstrators. He was a Democrat."

In 1954, Orville Faubus tried to prevent the desegregation of a Little Rock public high school. He was a Democrat.

President Eisenhower, a Republican, sent in federal troops to prevent violence and enforce a court order desegregating the school. As a percentage of their respective parties, more Republicans voted for the passage of the Civil Rights Art of 1964 than did Democrats. A Republican President, Richard Nixon, not John F. Kennedy or Lyndon B. Johnson, instituted the first affirmative action program with goals and timetables.

But don't take Elder's word for it, kids. You know how to google.

Scumbag gets out of jail, is arrested within minutes

A scumbag who stole an off-duty Orange County deputy's car with her 4-year son inside had just been released from jail on similar carjacking charges minutes before the crime,

Investigators said Deputy Tonjali Frost, 37, her bail-bondsman husband and her son were at a gas station across the street from the Orange County Jail Monday night putting gas in both of their cars.

Police said when Frost's husband went into the station to pay for gas, Jerome Nez jumped into the couple's white Jeep sport utility vehicle and drove off with the family's 4-year-old still in the vehicle.

The child somehow managed to exit the vehicle by either jumping or being pushed out near the gas station. When the child was out of vehicle, Frost and her husband opened fire at the fleeing SUV. Blocks away, Ex-con Scumbag crashed into another vehicle and was taken into custody after a search of a nearby subdivison.

Nez is charged with grand theft auto and burglary in connection with the incident. "After being released from jail, Nez may not have had a ride home so investigators said he simply carjacked the deputy's vehicle," Mike DeForest said.

After an investigation, detectives learned that just weeks ago, Nez was accused of carjacking a man outside a Mobil gas station near Apopka, Fla.

How to keep your wife happy

The key ingredient to a woman's marital bliss is her husband's emotional commitment, suggests a new study based on a survey of 5,000 couples across the country.

The finding is in contrast to previous research that focused on a husband's salary and division of household work as the main drivers of a woman's perception of a happy marriage.

Even so, the new research determined that women whose husbands bring home more than 68 percent of the bacon are the most content.

"Regardless of what married women say they believe about gender, they tend to have happier marriages when their husband is a good provider — provided that he is also emotionally engaged," said W. Bradford Wilcox, a University of Virginia sociologist. "I was very surprised to find that even egalitarian-minded women are happier when their marriages are organized along more gendered lines."

Fairness is also considered an important element.

Women who perceive that housework is shared in a fair manner consider themselves happier partners. Fair in this case does not necessarily mean splitting housework evenly—most of the women in this happier category perform the majority of household chores themselves. But because they believe that their husbands are playing an important role as providers, they view the unequal work split as fair.

"Wives are surely sensitive to imbalances in routine tasks and efforts, as almost all research shows. However, we find that they are more concerned with their husband's investments in the emotional content of the marriage," said study team member Steven Nock, a professor of sociology at University of Virginia. "We interpret our results to suggest that partners need to pay more attention to how their partners feel about their relationship and about marriage generally because equality does not necessarily produce equity."

So all a woman really wants is a man who earns more money than she can spend, while listening to her complain about all the housework she has to do.

Democrat debates

If Democrats always use the same response to certain stimuli (like mention of tax cuts or social security reform), that sounds like the perfect thing to automate. I think I could build a robotic Democrat (must... resist... obvious Gore joke...) that could perform the same function as any Democratic politician on a talk show. All I would have to do is take a mannequin that could be made to sit up in a chair and then insert a microphone, speaker, and a simple computer system running voice recognition software. It will scan the speech of the Republican he's it's supposed to be debating, and then start repeating in a loop its standard response.

Stimulus: "tax cut"
Response: "It's just a tax cut for the rich! It's just a tax cut for the rich! It's just a tax cut..."

Stimulus: "social security"
Response: "Republicans want to throw old people out on the street! Republicans want to throw old people out on the street! Republicans want to throw..."

Stimulus: "environment"
Response: "Republicans want to poison our air and water! Republicans want to poison our air and water! Republicans want to poison..."

Stimulus: "affirmative action"
Response: "Republicans are racist! Republicans are racist! Republicans are..."

Stimulus: "welfare"
Response: "Republicans want to starve school children! Republicans want to starve school children! Republicans want to..."

Stimulus: "guns"
Response: "Redrum! Redrum!"

If no recognized stimuli are found, a number of universal responses can be used such as "Republicans are mean-spirited!" or it can just emit some sort of high-pitched, incomprehensible whine.

Once I've produced a prototype, I can then pitch it to news organizations as a replacement for getting an actual Democrat politician on their show. This will remove all the costs associated with having to book Democrats on their programs and allow them to immediately have a Democratic response to any major issue. I think I could make a bundle.

Quote of The Day

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.” ~ P.J. O'Rourke

Happy Birthday, Einstein!

On March 14, 1879, Albert Einstein is born, the son of a Jewish electrical engineer in Ulm, Germany. Einstein's theories of special and general relativity drastically altered man's view of the universe, and his work in particle and energy theory helped make possible quantum mechanics and, ultimately, the atomic bomb.

After a childhood in Germany and Italy, Einstein studied physics and mathematics at the Federal Polytechnic Academy in Zýrich, Switzerland. He became a Swiss citizen and in 1905 was awarded a Ph.D. from the University of Zýrich while working at the Swiss patent office in Bern. That year, which historians of Einstein's career call the annus mirabilis--the "miracle year"--he published five theoretical papers that were to have a profound effect on the development of modern physics.

Albert Einstein, one of the most creative minds in human history, died in Princeton in 1955.

A few of his more notable quotes...

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

Going nowhere fast

Feingold's plan to censure Bush garners zero support from both Dems and Repubs.

While I might criticize my senator's work, at least he's doing some. Unlike John Kerry, who puts in an average of less than 3 days per month on the Hill. But what can the citizens of Massachussetts expect for their measly $158,000 a year?

A smart idiot is still an idiot

While George Clooney has almost all the facts wrong regarding the War On Terror, at least he has the guts to stick to being wrong rather than blaming his ignorance on someone else.

Still, as the saying goes... It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

That goofy Feingold

Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold, always a source of entertainment for us Wisconsinites, has introduced a censure proposal against President Bush.

Not one to worry about facts, Feingold told the Bush-hating Associated Press, "The president has broken the law and, in some way, he must be held accountable." Exactly how Bush has broken the law is a mystery to everyone but Feingold. And he's not explaining.

Instead, Feingold is busy putting his ducks in a row for his obvious bid for the presidency in 2008. It should be interesting, and mildly amusing, to see Hillary Clinton pick off those ducks one by one. After all, Hillary was once a duck hunter. Or so she told the NRA during a campaign tour of New York state. Even better, Hillary was named after a mountain climber 5 years before he would become famous. Talk about precognition!

How are you going to top that, Russ?

On this day in 1781

The German-born English astronomer William Hershel discovers Uranus, the seventh planet from the sun. Herschel's discovery of a new planet was the first to be made in modern times, and also the first to be made by use of a telescope, which allowed Herschel to distinguish Uranus as a planet, not a star, as previous astronomers believed.

Herschel, who was later knighted for his historic discovery, named the planet Georgium Sidus, or the "Georgian Planet," in honor of King George III of England. However, German astronomer Johann Bode proposed the name "Uranus" for the celestial body in order to conform to the classical mythology-derived names of other known planets. Uranus, the ancient Greek deity of the heavens, was a predecessor of the Olympian gods. By the mid-19th century, it was also the generally accepted name of the seventh planet from the sun.

Unfortunately, many people I know can't locate anything by that name, even with the aid of a flashlight and a funnel.

Something you don't read every day

Hells Angels are suing Disney.

Today's Top Ten iPod Playlist

Secret - Maroon 5
Sway - Michael Buble
Tempted By The Fruit of Another - Squeeze
Put The Lime In The Coconut - Harry Nilsson
Josephine - Reamonn
Express Yourself - Charles Wright
Crazy (Britney Spears cover) - Richard Cheese
It's Not Unusual - Tom Jones
Righteously - Lucinda Williams
Love Is All Around (Mary Tyler Moore theme song) - Joan Jett

Scientists say stuff-shaking reaching dangerous levels!

Newsflash courtesy of The Onion Radio.

Men demand equal opportunity to be losers

Mona Charen tells the story of a Michigan man who is suing to dodge his responsibility as a father. Personally, I see his point. If women demand the 'right' to be completely selfish when it comes to post-conception birth control, why shouldn't men, too? In any case, it's a lose-lose situation involving losers.

A legend is born

The first Ford Mustang was produced on this day in 1964.

The Mustang wasn't released to the public until April 16, 1964. However, one journalist described its unveiling as "the most sensational introduction of modern times." The Mustang was the result of Ford's desire to make a small, sporty car which was inexpensive enough to appeal to young car buyers, an increasingly important market.

The Mustang was the brainchild, or at least the mouthchild, of Ford executive Lee Iacocca. David Halberstam explained Iacocca's relationship to the Mustang: "Outside the industry, Iacocca, who controlled the publicity for the car, was always considered the father of the Mustang... Within Ford, however, Don Frey, the product manager, was seen as the brains behind it." But to sell short Iacocca's impact as a salesman would be a mistake. The car's development never would have made it past the reluctant upper echelons of Ford management without Iacocca's push.

The Mustang was not an entirely new line of car in the traditional sense. In fact, Iacocca's production team intended to make a car readily adaptable to existing Ford parts. By making the Mustang a Ford Falcon under the hood, Iacocca's team cut their costs dramatically. Iacocca called the Mustang a Ford Falcon with "a whole new skin and greenhouse." He would never have called it that during its development, however. Iacocca stressed the Mustang as a whole new breed of Ford: muscular, small, and young.

The base price of the car was only $2,368, but buyers averaged over $1,000 of extra features. Iacocca said, "People want economy so badly they don't care how much they pay for it." Over its first two years the Mustang earned $1.1 billion in profits for Ford. Iacocca created an astounding media blitz surrounding the car's release. He and the Mustang made the covers of Time and Newsweek, and the car appeared in every major business and automotive publication.

Historian Gary Witzenburg explained, "No new car in history had ever received the publicity and attention that the media lavished on Ford's sporty small car." One of America's most popular car models, then, is a testament to one of America's greatest salesman.

On this day in 1917

Pancho Villa raids the United States.

In the early morning of March 9, 1917, several hundred Mexican guerrillas under the command of Francisco "Pancho" Villa cross the U.S.-Mexican border and attack the small border town of Columbus, New Mexico. Seventeen Americans were killed in the raid, and the center of town was burned. It was unclear whether Villa personally participated in the attack, but President Woodrow Wilson ordered the U.S. Army into Mexico to capture the rebel leader dead or alive.

Before he invaded the United States, Pancho Villa was already known to Americans for his exploits during the Mexican Revolution. He led the famous Divisin del Norte, with its brilliant cavalry, Los Dorados, and won control of northern Mexico after a series of audacious attacks. In 1914, following the resignation of Mexican leader Victoriano Huerta, Pancho Villa and his former revolutionary ally Venustiano Carranza battled each other in a struggle for succession. By the end of 1915, Villa had been driven north into the mountains, and the U.S. government recognized General Carranza as the president of Mexico.

In January 1916, to protest President Woodrow Wilson's support for Carranza, Villa executed 16 U.S. citizens at Santa Isabel in northern Mexico. Then, in early March, he ordered the raid on Columbus. Cavalry from the nearby Camp Furlong U.S. Army outpost pursued the Mexicans, killing several dozen rebels on U.S. soil and in Mexico before turning back. On March 15, under orders from President Wilson, U.S. Brigadier General John J. Pershing launched a punitive expedition into Mexico to capture Villa and disperse his rebels. The expedition eventually involved some 10,000 U.S. troops and personnel. It was the first U.S. military operation to employ mechanized vehicles, including automobiles and airplanes.

For 11 months, Pershing failed to capture the elusive revolutionary, who was aided by his intimate knowledge of the terrain of northern Mexico and his popular support from the people there. Meanwhile, resentment over the U.S. intrusion into Mexican territory led to a diplomatic crisis with the government in Mexico City. On June 21, the crisis escalated into violence when Mexican government troops attacked a detachment of the 10th Cavalry at Carrizal, Mexico, leaving 12 Americans dead, 10 wounded, and 24 captured. The Mexicans suffered more than 30 dead. If not for the critical situation in Europe, war might have been declared. In January 1917, having failed in their mission to capture Villa, and under continued pressure from the Mexican government, the Americans were ordered home.

Villa continued his guerrilla activities in northern Mexico until Adolfo de la Huerta took power over the government and drafted a reformist constitution. Villa entered into an amicable agreement with Huerta and agreed to retire from politics. In 1920, the government pardoned Villa, but three years later he was assassinated at his ranch in Parral.

Florida woman contracts HIV from stolen body parts. Is Clinton involved again?

A 65-year old Pensacola, Florida woman most likely contracted HIV from bone tissue that was illegally harvested from corpses and sold to hospitals.

This is remarkably similar to the Bill Clinton Blood Scandal, in which tens of thousands of people around the world contracted AIDS through blood transfusions using blood supplied by Arkansas prisons under the supervision of Governor Bill Clinton.

A documentary, "Factor 8: The Arkansas Prison Blood Scandal", explaining Clinton's involvement, is planned for release soon.

If you've ever had any doubt about Clinton's corrupt nature, do yourself a favor and read the story behind the documentary.

Google takes a $90 million hit

Google Inc. has agreed to pay up to $90 million to settle a lawsuit alleging the online search engine leader overcharged thousands of advertisers who paid for bogus sales referrals generated through a ruse known as "click fraud".

The proposed settlement, announced by the company Wednesday, would apply to all advertisers in Google's network during the past four years. Any Web site showing improper charges dating back to 2002 will be eligible for an account credit that could be used toward future ads distributed by Google.
The total value of the credits available to advertisers will be lower than $90 million because part of that amount will be used to cover the fees of lawyers who filed the case last year in Arkansas state court. The proposed settlement still requires final court approval.

The lawsuit, filed by Lane's Gifts and Collectibles on behalf of all Google advertisers, revolves around one of the most sensitive subjects facing Google and Yahoo Inc., which runs the Internet's second largest marketing network.

Yahoo, which is also named in the suit, said Wednesday that it intends to fight the lawsuit's allegations.

Mountain View, Calif.-based Google makes virtually all of its money from text-based advertising links that trigger commissions each time they are clicked on. Besides enriching Google, the system has been a boon for advertisers, whose sales have been boosted by an increased traffic from prospective buyers.
But sometimes mischief makers and scam artists repeatedly click on specific advertising links even though they have no intentions of buying anything. The motives for the malicious activity known as click fraud vary widely, but the net effect is the same: advertisers end up paying for fruitless Web traffic.
The lawsuit alleged Google had conspired with its advertising partners to conceal the magnitude of click fraud to avoid making refunds.

The frequency of click fraud hasn't been quantified, causing some stock market analysts to worry Google's profits will falter if it turns out to be a huge problem.
Google executives have repeatedly said the level of click fraud on its ad network is minuscule - a contention that the proposed settlement amount seems to support.

The $90 million translates into less than 1 percent of Google's $11.2 billion in revenue during the past four years.

Google disclosed the settlement after the stock market closed. The company's shares fell $10.57 to close at $353.88 on the Nasdaq Stock Market, then shed another $2.11 in extended trading.

Why, I declare!

A lucky bargain hunter became a millionaire after finding an original print of the Declaration of Independence in the frame of an old painting.

In 1989, a Philadelphia financial analyst discovered something unusual in an old picture he'd bought for $4 at a flea market in Adamstown, PA. He'd purchased the painting (an old, torn depiction of a country scene) because he liked the frame. He liked it even more once he discovered that a rare copy of the Declaration of Independence lurked within it.

When he had attempted to detach the frame from the painting, the frame fell apart in his hands. He then found a folded document between the canvas and wood backing which appeared to be an old copy of the Declaration of Independence. A friend who collected Civil War memorabilia advised him to have it appraised.

It was real: one of 500 official copies from the first printing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. (Only twenty-four similar copies were known to exist before this find, of which a mere three were privately owned.) This rare document was offered for sale by Sotheby's on 4 June 1991, and the lucky find fetched even more than had been anticipated: the $800,000 to $1.2 million estimate turned into $2.42 million by the sound of the gavel.

What did Donald Scheer of Atlanta, head of Visual Equities Inc., get for his $2.42 million? Months prior to the auction, Sotheby's had confirmed the printed broadsheet not only as authentic but also as one of the three finest known, as crisp as it was on the evening it was printed by John Dunlap to carry the news of America's independence to the people of the thirteen colonies. (This copy was put up for sale again in June 2000, fetching a $8.14 million bid from television producer Norman Lear in an on-line auction.

Get out of the way for WiMax

Imagine surfing the web from your backyard. Actually, that's pretty easy to do with a laptop and wi-fi. I've been doing it for years, myself. Now, imagine surfing the web with your laptop from the city park... or your dentist's waiting room. Unless the city council approved a multi-million dollar wifi grid to be installed, or your dentist is thoughtful enough to set up his own wifi network, it ain't gonna happen. Actually, let me rephrase that.. it WASN'T going to happen... until now.

Enter WiMax.

WiMax is seen by many in the field as a successor to wifi, which provides fast wireless Internet connections in homes and businesses but has a limited range of a few dozen yards. WiMax has a much longer range, varying from a couple of miles in an urban area to 10 miles or more in open country.

Intel Corp. said on Tuesday it has moved up to this year its expected roll-out of cards that will let computers access the Internet using Wi-Max, a new long-range, high-speed wireless technology.

Intel, which had previously said it expected to have WiMax products in 2007, now plans to have WiMax cards for laptops in the second half of this year, Sean Maloney, vice president of Intel's mobility group, told a company conference.

"The cost is coming down significantly while the volume is coming up significantly," Maloney said of the adoption of WiMax around the world.

India and Spain are running pilot WiMax services, and the technology's supporters are optimistic it will find broad use in developing nations where Internet access is still too expensive.

Intel is also working on a chip that integrates WiMax and wifi, Maloney said.

"Over a period of three years or so, these two technologies essentially will merge," he said.

How can we teach our schools?

John Stossel, over at RealClearPolitics, explains the problems with public schools today.

Teachers unions are mad at me. The New York State United Teachers demands I apologize for my "gutter level" journalism, "an irresponsible assault on public school students and teachers." This is because I hosted an ABC News TV special titled "Stupid in America," which pointed out:

-- American fourth graders do well on international tests, but by high school, Americans have fallen behind kids in most other countries.

-- The constant refrain that "public schools need more money" is nonsense. Many countries that spend significantly less on education do better than we do. School spending in America (adjusted for inflation) has more than tripled over the past 30 years, but national test scores are flat. The average per-pupil cost today is an astonishing $10,000 per student -- $200,000 per classroom! Think about how many teachers you could hire, and how much better you could do with that amount of money.

-- Most American parents give their kids' schools an A or B grade, but that's only because, without market competition, they don't know what they might have had. The educators who conduct the international tests say that most of the countries that do best are those that give school managers autonomy, and give parents and students the right to choose their schools. Competition forces private and public schools to improve.

-- There is little K-12 education competition in America because public schools are a government monopoly. Monopolies rarely innovate, and union-dominated monopolies, burdened with contracts filled with a hundred pages of suffocating rules, are worse. The head of New York City's schools told me that the union's rules "reward mediocrity."

All that angered the unions. But when they criticize my "bias and ignorance," I don't hear them refute the points listed above. They don't refute them because they can't. It's just a fact that rules that insist an energetic, hard-working teacher who makes learning fun must be paid exactly the same as a lazy, incompetent teacher are rules that promote mediocrity.

Ironically, before I did "Stupid in America," the New York teachers union wanted to give me an award. The United Federation of Teachers' Social Studies Conference wrote: "Our organization, ATSS/UFT, would be proud to present you with the Hubert H. Humphrey Humanitarian Award for the outstanding work which you have done for social causes. ... Your development and generous sponsorship of In the Classroom Media provide students with the opportunity to enhance their civics education. This is the highest award that we can give to an individual. Past honorees have included Mario Cuomo, Shirley Chisholm, Charles Schumer, Dolores Huerta, Major Owens, Charles Rangel ... "

Wow! Chuck Schumer, Charlie Rangel and me! Alas, after my education special aired, they decided not to give me the award. Apparently my work with In the Classroom Media -- which provides teachers with videos about the free market -- only helps kids as long as I stay away from the "social cause" most relevant to them: their education.

Instead, teachers' unions announced that Wednesday (3/8), they will hold demonstrations against me and ABC in New York City, Chicago, Atlanta, Detroit, and elsewhere. One police permit suggests the crowd outside my office will number 750-1,000 people. It should be interesting.

"We want to make sure that ABC hears the voices of incredibly hard-working teachers," says the union website, quoting New York City's UFT President Randi Weingarten. "The network needs to hear how unfair and biased those of you in the trenches believe their broadcast to have been."

I'm sorry that union teachers are mad at me. But when it comes to the union-dominated monopoly, the facts are inescapable. Many kids are miserable in bad schools. If they are not rich enough to move, or to pay for private school, they are trapped.

It doesn't have to be that way. We know what works: choice. That's what's brought Americans better computers, phones, movies, music, supermarkets -- most everything we have. Schoolchildren deserve the joyous benefits of market competition too.

Unions say, "education of the children is too important to be left to the vagaries of the market." The opposite is true. Education is too important to be left to the calcified union/government monopoly.

Poltergeist Paws Patrons

A british ghost is being investigated for sexual assault

Warner Bros. debutes White Trash CDs

You heard it here first.. and probably last. Paris Hilton, the upscale white trash diva, is planning to release her own cd.

The track listing is as follows:

1.) Turn it Up
2.) Turn You On
3.) Stars Are Blind
4.) Jealousy
5.) Heartbeat
6.) Fightin’ Over Me featuring Fat Joe and Jadakiss
7.) Are You With It?
9.) Do You Think I’m Sexy?
9.) Screwed
10.) Not Leaving Without You

Rumor has it, the cd will also feature a video-clip of Paris in action to accompany track 9.

How does the lunatic get through Traverse City?

USA Today brings us the Wackiest street names in America.

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas

9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.

8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.

7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.

6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.

5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston

4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.

3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)

2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.

and to answer my original question... he takes the..

1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.

Go fly a kite.. and get arrested

Flying a kite in Pakistan is a dangerous pastime. Already it's banned for all but 15 days of the year but a provincial minister warned kite-flyers this week that any who cause injury or death with string made from metal or coated with glass could be tried under anti-terrorism laws.

The Punjabi chief minister's unprecedented threat came just ahead of the start of an annual kite-flying festival in the provincial capital, Lahore, Sunday.

Kite-flying in Pakistan and neighboring India often involves aerial duels in which participants try to bring down each other's kites using string coated in a sticky paste of ground-up glass or metal.

Every year, Pakistani media report dozens of deaths and injuries caused by kite flying, mainly of children and motorcyclists whose throats are sometimes cut by metal or glass-coated string.

"It is a matter of concern that a healthy sport is being turned into a game of death," the official APP news agency quoted Punjab Chief Minister Pervez Elahi as saying Tuesday.

Elahi said a crackdown had been launched against the sale of sharp kite string and threatened a permanent ban on kite-flying if deaths continued.

"Action under the Anti-Terrorism Act would be taken in case of deaths due to ... dangerous kite-flying string," he was quoted as saying.

Pakistan's Supreme Court banned kite-flying nationwide last year in response to an outcry over injuries and deaths. The ban was lifted for a 15-day period to allow the holding of this month's traditional kite-flying festival of Basant.

Some Islamist groups have staged protests in the past week after newspapers reported several deaths caused by kite-flying, denouncing the activity as un-Islamic.

10 facts of love and dating

1. It’s like looking in a mirror! It turns out we all have a little something in common with Narcissus—the mythical fellow who fell in love with his own reflection. Scientists at the University of Liverpool recently concluded that our brains favor people with familiar faces. The research team asked over 200 participants to view a number of digitally altered human faces. They found that subjects preferred the features they found the most familiar—whether that means his or her own visage or that of a family member. This may explain that common phenomenon of couples looking like they could be siblings.

2. Manner, schmanners: Go ahead and stare. Another new study says that when a woman walks into a room, she is considered more attractive if she turns her eyes directly toward a certain man. Men would rate the same woman as less desirable if she doesn’t make strong eye contact. In this study, conducted at Dartmouth University, lead researcher Malia Mason had male participants sit and view a series of faces of fashion models, digitally enhanced to either be gazing toward or away from the participant. The study authors asked the viewer to rate the likeability of each model and found that those who turned away were seen as less agreeable. The study’s researchers went on to suggest that a woman’s gaze can be a powerful arousal cue and that our impressions are largely formed by nonverbal communications such as eye contact. So start locking eyes, ladies!

3. You’ll know it when you see it. A recent study at the University of Pennsylvania reveals that regardless of what people say they are looking for in a dating situation, they don’t need a lot of time with or information about a person to tell if they’re interested. Single people’s behavior suggests that individuals know “it” (a person who appeals to them) when they see it—almost instantly. Lead researcher Robert Kurzban and his colleagues studied data from 10,000+ daters. They found that men and women assessed potential compatibility within moments of meeting, using primarily visual cues such as age, height, and attractiveness. Says Kurzban, “Somewhat surprisingly, factors that you might think would be really important to people — like religion, education, and income — played very little roles in their choices.”

4. Listen up. The next time you call up a potential love match, pay special attention to how they sound. Researchers at the University of Albany had 149 men and women rate the attractiveness of a series of recorded voices on a scale from 1 to 10. The researchers also gathered information about the sexual histories of the people whose voices they recorded. They found that the voices found to be the most appealing belonged to people who had sex at an earlier age, had more sexual partners, and were more prone to infidelity than those rated as having less appealing voices. So know that what’s a seductive voice to you may be linked to a person with a bit of a past…

5. I couldn’t help it baby, it’s in my genes. There may be a genetic component to infidelity, says a professor at the Twin Research Unit at St. Thomas’ Hospital, London. This is based on the fact that if one twin exhibits infidelity, the other twin strays 55% of the time. In the general population, the number is 23%. The tendency to remain faithful is a component of personality, the scientist elaborates, which is governed both by a number of genes and societal factors.

6. It’s official. Love makes us crazy. For one, it causes serotonin levels in the brain to drop, which may lead people to obsess about their lover. (The levels of serotonin, a chemical produced by the body, are also low in people who have obsessive-compulsive disorder.) Next, it ramps up production of the stress hormone cortisol, leading to slightly higher blood pressure and possible loss of sleep. Finally, a scientist at the University of London has found that when people look at their new loves, the neural circuits that are usually in charge of social judgment are suppressed. All in all, love kind of leaves you obsessive, stressed, and blind. And we love it.

7. Why broken hearts hurt... A recent UCLA study suggests the psychological hurt of a break-up is just as real as a physical injury. Two areas of the brain that respond to physical pain also become activated when a person is dealing with social pain, such as being dumped. The study’s authors used an MRI to monitor brain activity in participants while they played a game simulating social rejection. The researchers believe that the pain of being rejected may have evolved as a motivating force that led humans to seek out social interaction, which is crucial for the survival of most mammals.

8. Blushing is best. If we take our cue from apes, rosy cheeks are crucial in the dating game, says a new study. Scientists at Stirling University in Great Britain have found that primates prefer mates with red faces. A rosy glow might also act as a similar cue in humans, say the British researchers, sending a message of good health. They speculate that it could explain why women use blusher.

9. Kiss this way. Did you know there is a “right” way to kiss? People are more likely to tilt their heads to the right when kissing instead of left, says a report published recently in the journal Nature. A scientist from Ruhr University in Germany analyzed 124 pairs of smoochers and found that 65 percent go toward the right.

10. Meet for drinks before dinner. Researchers at NYU and Stanford have discovered that hungry men prefer heavier women. By staking out a dining hall, scientists had hundreds of students fill out questionnaires about their preferences in a mate. Men who filled out the questionnaire just before they entered the hall described their ideal woman as an average of three or four pounds heavier than men interviewed after they ate. Incidentally, researchers did not find the same change in women’s preferences, so guys: Go ahead and schedule that drinks date for before or after dinnertime.

6 new curse words it's ok to say

Courtesy of the Weekly World News

You can't say @#$% today. That's the &*@#$%! problem. Everybody's trying to be politically correct. No one wants to offend anyone . . . well, except for those jerks who flip you off on the freeway.

In the United States, we have sensational cuss words -- slang dictionaries full of them -- but most of us are too fearful to use them. As psychologist Dr. Herman Fugmunker noted, "It's dangerous to say '&*@# off' to a truck driver. Five days in intensive care convinced me of that."

But help is on the way. Fugmunker did extensive research for his latest book, Cuss Your Head Off, and came up with six new curse words it's O.K. to shout from the rooftops, because no one has ever heard them before. They're nasty, vile and disgusting. Learn 'em and use 'em. You'll let off steam and that @#$%head you're cussing out won't know what the &*@# you're talking about.

The six new curse words are pfnark, snog, kuq, chuz, jizzlewax and zighumple. They can be used alone or combined (to form compound curses); when you're mad or when you're happy; as adjectives, verbs, nouns and, especially, interjections. Pfnarkin' A!

Speaking of the word "pfnark," Fugmunker traces its derivation to the sleepy coal-mining town of Winsley, Wyo., where Dalwood Comstock fell down a murky shaft and screamed, "Holy pfnark! Somebody help me!"

Comstock was probably trying to say "Holy &*@#," but due to his speech impediment and a mouthful of coal, it came out "pfnark."

Fugmunker gives examples of how the word can be used. "Pfnark off, pigeon head!" "Go pfnark yourself!" and, "You're a pfnarkin' loser!"

The next word in Fugmunker's book is "snog," which sounds a mite dirty because it resembles "smog."

Changing the "m" to an "n" makes all the difference in the world, according to Fugmunker. "If you scold someone in an irritated voice by saying, 'Don't be such a snog!' the individual will cringe with embarrassment, for no one wants to be called a 'snog.' It sounds disgusting."

Colorful variations of the word include "snogpuss," "snog off" and "snoggle," as in "Snoggle this, you bastard!" And if you want to hit someone with a double whammy, you can say, "Snoggle this, you pfnarkin' bastard!" Of course, most people understand the word "bastard," so be prepared to put up your dukes or run like hell. And if you choose the latter, you can always get the last word in by shouting, "Kiss my pfnarkin' snog!"

"Kuq" (pronounced kook) was first heard by Fugmunker in a sleazy El Paso, Texas, bar. "This drunken cowboy walked in and said, 'What lily-livered kuq stole my woman?' When no one responded, the cowboy added, 'Well, whoever it was, I want to thank you, 'cause she was an obnoxious chuz.' " This brings us to the next word: Chuz. It can be used to describe a man or a woman, and it's quite unflattering. "Picture a bowl of clumped kitty litter, chunky spoiled milk and rotten chopped liver, and that's what 'chuz' looks like," Fugmunker explained. "So to call someone a 'chuzzbucket' or a 'chuzball' is the ultimate insult."

The penultimate word on the list is "jizzlewax." It conveys utter angst, as in "I'm totally jizzlewaxed. I'd squash my head in a vice if I had one!" It's another way of saying, "I'm totally &*@#ed up," without getting your mouth washed out with soap.

Last on the list, is "zighumple," which actually is more fun to do than to say, because when you're "getting a zighumple," you're partying, baby.

So there you have it, six new curse words you can say wherever and whenever you want. At least until they catch on. So don't be a dumb kuq. Get zighumpling!